Chapter Four: Nit-Wit's Occupation
Later that night Whitney Christensen was creeping through Castleton Manor, humming The Pink Panther Theme Song under her breath and trying to seem inconspicuous. This was rather difficult, considering that she had on her red bridesmaid dress and was carrying a large, deadly-looking gun. The dress was a tribute to Kastle, sort of a private apology for missing her best friend's wedding. Whitney hadn't meant to, really, but tonight had been the perfect opportunity to put her carefully laid plan into action. Unknown to everyone else in "I Don't Know" land, she was actually a highly skilled thief, trained by the best in the business. Tonight she was going to steal Keturah's huge fortune, after which there would be enough money safely stored away for her to retire, marry that cute dairy farmer she'd always dreamed of, and live happily ever after.
Oh yes, she and Keturah really were friends, but that didn't mean Whitney was opposed to stealing all her money from her. A job was a job, after all. And who said money made a person happy anyway? Being poor would teach Kastle to be more appreciative of what she had. If you looked at it from a certain point of view, she was doing her friend a favor by relieving her of all her wealth. One less thing to worry about, right?
Just as she was about to climb up to the second floor, something caught her eye that was big, round, and shiny. "A big, round, shiny button! HURRAY!" Hurriedly, Nit-Wit ran over and read the words written on it. They said: SECURITY ALARM; press if you are a thief or assassin.
"Wow, that describes me perfectly... this button must have been specially made just for me!" Feeling special, she pressed the button. Someone began laughing evilly behind her.
"Mwahahahaha! You have just pressed The Button. Now your doom is sealed!" The evil laughing continued.
"Yeah, I did just press that awesome button! Pretty cool, huh? I'll bet Keturah made it just especially for me... she's such a nice friend, don't you think? What's your name anyway?"
Startled by someone seeming so cheery in the face of certain death, John thought it best to answer her. "I am John, and I am the great and terrible leader of the Evil Ninja Monkays!"
After taking some time to process this new information, Whitney turned white as a sheet. "Evil Ninja Monkays? WHERE?!"
John smiled to himself. That was more like it. "All around you! Mwahahahaha!"
Looking about her, Whitney did indeed see that there were now Evil Ninja Monkays all throughout the house. They were under tables and chairs, behind curtains, on couches, and many hung by their tails from the ceiling. It was a horrifying sight. Many lesser mortals would have shrunk in terror and begged for mercy, but she was no ordinary mortal. Ninja Monkays or no, she would make this John person deeply regret the day he decided he could mess with her.
"Okay, err, John... whatever your name is... I'm going to give you one chance to surrender. But if you don't, I warn you–you won't be shown any mercy just because you're too stupid to run away."
Puzzled, John backed away from Nit-Wit a little, pausing to think over what she had said. What a strange person... she isn't mortally afraid of me or my Ninja Monkays! Perhaps I really ought to be scared of her. He looked her up and down, glancing at the puffy dress, curly hair, and determined expression on her face. Unfortunately for him, he completely missed the big gun. "Prepare for death! Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!" With that, John disappeared into the shadows and let his ninjas do their job.
Whitney was quietly panicking. Ninja Monkays were one of the few things she was afraid of, not because they were more than she could handle in a fight, certainly not... but because they tasted terrible. She couldn't even describe how bad they tasted, and the only way to get rid of them all was to eat them.
"Go away, monkays! I don't want to eat you! You guys taste really, really nasty!" This was a statement which many people might have disagreed with her on. She was really quite a picky eater, and ate no meat at all except chicken. Naturally, monkay meat was not chicken, and as such was not a suitable thing to eat for breakfast, lunch, or her opinion, of , though, a person had to do unpleasant things.
"Hee-YA!" she yelled, swinging her gun at the nearest Evil Ninja Monkay and knocking it over backwards. John watched, amazed, as Whitney punched, kicked, and swung her gun like a baseball bat, eating monkays as she went and screaming like mad. "Die, monkays, DIE! I shall eat you all!" Effortlessly, she picked up a large statue of Keturah and threw it, at her enemies, smashing the remainder of them. "John, where are you? I have eaten all of your minions! Come out so I can eat you too!"
"Fine... I guess I'll have to take care of you myself! You may have defeated my minions, but I am a highly trained ninja. You will receive no mercy from me!"
"Draw your weapon!" exclaimed Nit-Wit, holding her gun at the ready (like a baseball bat, in other words).
With an evil chuckle, John pulled out his red lightsaber and sliced Whitney's gun cleanly in half. Becoming steadily more pleased with himself by the minute, he smiled smugly at the disbelieving look on his enemy's face and decided to show off a bit. "Like it?" he asked, swinging the glowing weapon through the air and jumping around like Yoda.
"Like it? It's amazing! Where did you get that major-cool awesomely sweet light-sword gadget thingy?"
"Oh, I have connections, you know... but anyway, why am I talking to you? I'm supposed to be slaying you!"
"But that's not fair!" pouted Whitney. "You have to give me a sporting chance, you know. I'm just a poor, helpless, defenseless girl... surely you can at least make it a fair fight?"
"John thought about this (slowly, I might add). "Well, sure. I'll still win anyway, since I'm so awesome. Here's an extra lightsaber."
"Yay, alifesaver! Readysetfight!"
Nit-Wit leapt at the Evil Ninja Monkay Lord, swinging her lightsaber around randomly. John was a highly trained professional, and as such he had learned to fight other highly trained professionals. But this crazy, uneducated, screaming Nit-Wit who running at him yelling "DIE! DIE! DIE!" was not something his masters had ever taught him to deal with.
So, he did the only logical thing he could think of—turned arouund and ran. Whitney chased after him. This continued for a while until John, exhausted, collapsed into a heap on the floor.
"You're pathetic," she laughed. "Now, I need to know where Keturah's money is hidden. You're the one she hired to guard it; you must know. Reveal her secret hiding place to me!"
"Okay..." He handed her a remote control with a big, red button on it. "Push this button and the secret will be revealed."
Hugging the button, Nit-Wit held it out in front of her, doing a happy little dance. "My preciousss!" She pushed it, and promptly fell down a large trapdoor that had opened up underneath her. "Mwahahahaha!" laughed John. How I shall torture and kill my victim in the torture and killing chamber!"