5A/N: A few things I must say about this story…
1) What you are about to read is pretty much an unedited story…why? Because this story is totally full of stupid jokes and an awful plot line…I wrote it for some of my friends and no one else, I don't see any reason to polish this one up…all it needs to do is make the people who understand the inside jokes laugh
2) This story is full of inside jokes with three different people…if have not in the past addressed you as "Isabella, El Beano or T.P., then I cannot be held responsible if you don't get any of the jokes in this story and think that it's the dumbest thing that you have ever read…although who knows maybe you'll still find it funny
3) Finally, I love the sovereign nation of New Jersey and have nothing against anyone from Jersey…however, Isabella is from Jersey and I make fun of her the same I make fun of myself and everyone in this story…on all accounts….so there are jokes about her and New Jersey in here…but to be honest, if you're going to get offended about a harmless joke about being from New Jersey, then you probably shouldn't be reading my story anyway…lol…
…and now…on with the show!
The Weirdest People I Know
El Beano awoke, knowing that something wasn't right.
"Jose hasn't called me in over 20 minutes! Surely there must be some sort of crime to report about by now…No something's not right…something's not right at all…"
After running outside to the nearest street corner, El Beano decided to start looking for Jose.
"Yes..yes…this is as good a place as any to begin searching."
T.P., only a few feet away, overheard El Beano talking to the voices in his head.
"Jose? Did you say that you're looking for a man named Jose? I'm looking for a guy named Jose!"
"Who said that…was that you..you in the….what the hell are you wearing? Are you covered in Toilet Paper?" El Beano suspiciously asked.
"Yeah...no you're right the pink cowboy hat, shirtless vest and tight leather pants are a much better ensemble..." T.P. shot back, full of sarcasm.
"Riiiiggghhhttttt," said a very confused, El Beano.
"Anyway, Jose," T.P. continued, "We should work together to find him. I think something has gone down."
"What makes ya say that?"
Well, I'm not sure but he did leave me this note.
T.P. Something's wrong! I've been kidnapped! Get you're butt down here and rescue me…
Love Jose
"Darnit, T.P., you might just be onto something, here."
"But where to begin…where to begin…"
"How about the big evil cave in New Jersey?" El Beano asked. "…No no, the kidnapper would be expecting that."
"You're right. We'd be walking right into a trap."
"Actually, ya know what. This is gonna be a real pain in the butt. Screw Jose."
"Yeah. Screw him. Let's go play some Smash Brothers."
"Sound's good to me."
Suddenly, their plan was interrupted by a stranger.
"So, you think you can rescue Jose? You think you can stop my evil plans? Think again, losers!"
"No, actually, we were just going to go play some Smash Brothers. Wanna play?"
"I am the Jersey Devil…I will…"
"Wait…wait wait wait. Stop. The Jersey Devil? Come on now. I mean come on. You can do better than that! That's so uncreative. The Jersey Devil."
"Yeah, seriously. You're not even using a cliché name. You're actually stealing someone else's name! I mean, for crying out loud, there is a Jersey Devil already. It's a big urban myth."
"Shut up! It's not my fault! I can't help it, the author named me that dumb name…"
Suddenly, T.P. turned toward the author. "Jose, you suck at coming up with names."
"Okay, okay okay," The new intruder shouted. "Tell ya what, just…. Just call me Isabella, okay? Isabella."
"Much better."
"Okay, enough of this… get em boys!"
Suddenly, a hundred zombie looking teenagers rushed out from the surrounding alleyways and streets. They wore menacing expressions on their faces as they stalked toward El Beano and T.P.
"Run!" El Beano shouted.
T.P. turned around, to see who was chasing them. What lay behind her, was an army of bored teenagers. For lack of anything better today, they immediately began to chase El Beano and T.P. on command.
After a few blocks of running, the duo was growing tired. Suddenly, help arrived.
"Quick, make a left!"
"Hurry! down this alley!"
Two identical looking strangers were yelling at them. Quickly running out of options, they did as they were told.
"Shouldn't we hide somewhere?" El Beano asked.
"No. We're safe here. They can't follow us, here."
"Why not?" T.P. inquired.
At that point, the crowd had caught up.
"Damnit, I think that they went left." One of the teenagers moaned.
"Now what?"
"I dunno… you get them."
"No way, I'm not gonna try to go left! I'm not tempting fate!"
Suddenly, one random guy sprinted down the left, trying to incite the crowd to follow them. "You guys are a bunch of spineless wimps!" He shouted, rushing toward T.P. and Isabella. He immediately exploded.
Soon after this, the two men led El Beano and T.P. to a nearby bar.
"So, you're trying to find Jose?" The first man asked.
"We can help you," chimed in the second.
"Wait, wait, wait. Who are you guys?" El Beano demanded.
"I…
…am Obligitory Guy Who's Supposed to Die #1...and my partner, his name is..
…Obligitory Guy Who's Supposed to Die #2."
"But you can just call me OGWSD for short…"
"Ummm…how about #1 and #2 instead…" T.P. added.
"That's a weird thing to call someone," the men laughed. "But whatever floats your boat, sister."
"So what happened back there?" El Beano asked, trying to get back on topic.
"The kids that we escaped were typical Jersey Mallrats. Bored out of their mind. Nothing to do in the vast wasteland that is New Jersey. Isabella recruited them all, made them part of her zombie, New Jersey army."
"How did you know that would work?"
"We turned left. No one from New Jersey can turn left. They aren't allowed. That's why they all have those goofy jug handles. Geez, everyone knows that!"
"Yeah, but why did they all look like zombies?"
"They were exposed to too much of the Nothingness…"
"The Nothingness?"
All of a sudden, Matt Patrick burst into the bar. "Joe Lacava! You stole that from The Neverending Story! You just added a "ness" to the end of it! Joe Lacava, you're a fool! Hurshkurburdeber!"
"Soooo….the Nothingness…what is it?" Emily shakily asked, trying to ignore the raving Matt Patrick.
"It's a disease that will slowly make all of America an extension of New Jersey," #2 said.
"Good Lord! America's armpit!" El Beano exclaimed.
"That's right. But imagine, if you will, an America where there's no body left….
just one big armpit…"
"So you're saying that she plans to turn all of the American people into the boring, lifeless teenagers that she found at the Malls?"
"Exactly."
"Wait, so where does Jose come into all of this?"
"Every experiment needs a guinea pig. She plans to test the Nothingness on Jose, until its pefect."
"Rudders and Sails, Boy! We need to rescue him!" El Beano shouted.
"Yes…ru…rudders and sails…That's right..." #1 said, a look of confusion now overtaking his expression.
"Well what are we doin around here?! Let's get to Isabella's lair," T.P. added.
"Not quite yet."
"See the thing is this, we're not quite sure where that is..."
"But we know that she hangs out at a downtown club. Maybe we can find some information there."
The club was full of life.
After a few hours of asking questions, they finally found some answers. It was in a room in the back.
Two bald men in suits approached them. "You guys are looking for Jose?"
"Yeah."
"Come with me."
They led them to a dingy back room, away from the club. There was a small, fat, bald man in there.
"The name's Character...Stock Character...you can just call me Senior Character..."
"What has Isabella done with Jose?" El Beano said, sipping a martini... it was his 57th that night.
"You come into my club asking questions? Questions aren't good for business. Questions can get ya killed."
"Is that a threat?"
"Get em,' boys."
The two balding men revealed iron chains and steel pipes, as they approached the team.
They heard footsteps outside the door. More people were coming in to take care of the problem.
"El Beano, I'll take care of these two idiots. You watch my back."
"Gotcha."
With his speedy limp-wrested-fireball, El Beano was making sure that no one entered the room. None of Sr. Character's assassins made it through the doorway alive. His hand was waving furiously as his incredibly flambouyant "limp-wrist" was emmitting scorching balls of fire. He had all entrances of the room covered as an array of fire shot out from where he stood.
Meanwhile, the men crept closer as T.P. prepared her special attack.
"I summon the army of sporks! ATTTAACKK!"
A very, now confused, El Beano glanced over… "What?"
The room was filled with a platoon of goofy looking utensils that immediately jumped on the first man and disposed of him quickly.
"Gang of gun-toting-badgers, finish the job!"
Once again, T.P. had filled the room with some ridiculous group of allies that destroyed the other man.
"Where do you come up with this stuff?" El Beano muttered.
T.P. squealed and then erupted into laughter.
"You're weird." El Beano stated.
"Alright, enough chit-chat," shouted #1.
"Yeah Sr. Character, your muscle is dead, so tell us where Isabella is, or you're join them!" threatened #2.
"Alright, alright. Her lair….its deep within the heart of New Jersey. A place called, Tom's River."
"Okay…" El Beano interjected "Yeah, then that's not really the heart, is it, chief? That's more of the coast of New Jersey, in't it?"
The team immediately set off to find this Tom and his River of doom.
::POOF:: oh look, they're there now. How convenient!
"Here we are. The Castle Hrosovosikowinaskowitzky." El Beano muttered.
"What the hell?"
"Isabella's surname."
"Ah."
"It's Italian," El Beano stated.
T.P. simply stared at him, dumbfounded.
The castle rested atop a a cliff called Cliché Peak. It would be a hard climb upwards.
They had been climbing for a half an hour. Almost there, they had just one overhang left.
Suddenly, T.P. heard a very alarmed voice from behind her. It was #1. He yelled out in fear. He fell downward when his rope broke. He was now hanging on a loose rock.
"I..I can't hold on any longer."
El Beano turned around to help. "No! Obligitory Guy Who's Supposed to Die #1! NOOO HAAANG OOONN!"
#1 responded with "::TYPICAL LINE ABOUT 'GETTING 'THOSE BASTARDS'::.'"
Then, #1 fell.
When they had finally made it to the base of the castle, they rested. #2 broke the silence.
"I can't believe he's gone. I really can't believe he's gone. I grew up with Obligitory Guy Who's Supposed to Die #1...and now he..he died…"
"His death won't be in vain," El Beano reassured.
"Who knows? I now understand the brevity of this mission. I mean…I mean…who knows…I could be next."
Suddenly, T.P. became very uncomfortable… "Um, #2..have ya…have ya ever thought about..ya know…your name? That its kinda weird that you're named that?"
"No…not really….why?"
"…nevermind."
Meanwhile, inside the castle, Isabella was making all the necessary preparations to begin the experiment.
"Pretty soon, Jose, you'll be nothing more than a brainless mall rat, wandering bored around the Castle Hros...Castle Horvo….ya know..My Castle."
"You'll never get away with this, Isabella! My friends will come and rescue me!"
"Who ya tryin' to convince, Jose. Me? Or you?"
"Yeah, no you're right, actually. They're probably playing Smash Brothers, right now."
"Probably. Well look at the time. I'm late. It's time for me to conveniently leave the room, giving you plenty of opportunity to escape."
As soon as she had left, Hulk Hogan burst through the wall.
"The Hulkster! You can get me out of here, Hulk! Help me! We have to save America."
"Oh yeaaahh brother, America rulzzz!"
"Yeah, yeah, I know, so let's save it, Hulkster!"
"Say all your prayers, take your vitamins!"
"What?"
"Brush you're teeth and eat right if ya wanna grow up to be big and strong like the Hulk!"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"I body slammed Andre the Giant in 1987!"
"So…so you gonna help me or not…?"
"Don't anybody touch my daughter, Brooke, or I'll leg drop ya into the floor, brotha!"
"Thanks…Hulk…um…thanks…"
With that, Hulk Hogan ripped his shirt and ran off, into the night. Rambling about Macho Man, Randy Savage.
At that same moment, the trio was creeping closer to the Castle. As they got closer, the area grew more and more treacherous. The castle was guarded by very tough looking guards.
"They're so darn proud of the fact that they're from New Jersey…"
"…They'll fight to the death for Isabella and her plan."
"So how do we get in?"
Suddenly, T.P. started thinking about #1. All the good times they had together…like meeting in the club a few hours ago, or climbing up a rock wall an hour or two after that…" An intense rage built, behind her eyes.
She leapt ridiculously high into the air as neon yellow and orange lasers seemed to replace the background of the scene.
Immediately, a few of the guards suffered from seizures at the bright colors. After that, T.P. yelled "Kamikowinaki!" which apparently means something in Japanese. Her hair grew about 4 feet longer and turned blonde.
After sweeping down on the guards like a storm, she had them all dead in a few minutes. There was just one left now. He marched toward her, ready to avenge his fallen comrades.
With a look of amused haughtiness, T.P. stared at the man. Suddenly, his look of determination melted away into fear and surprise as he turned into a muffin and then exploded.
Within seconds of this transformation, she was both physically and mentally back to her normal self. "Alright, lets move on!" she said, smiling.
They quickly hurried on, inside the castle. Sneaking around, they finally made it to Jose's holding cell.
Next to the cell was a small, round cake that looked innocent enough.
They set to work on freeing Jose.
Suddenly, they heard a kind of muffled struggling. It was coming from the cake… It was almost as if someone was trying to jump out of it.
Suddenly, the cake exploded, sending crumbs and bits of icing everywhere, as an Isabella, now significantly covered in cake bits, sprung out from it.
"Stop right there!" Isabella shouted. "No one is getting freed today!"
"I'll take care of her!" Obligatory Guy Who's Supposed to Die #2 said. Suddenly, Isabella transformed into Super Hippie Isabella. This new Isabella, adorned with raggedy, dirty hair, a beat up tie-die shirt from 1972 and no shoes, was more fierce than ever before. She went after #2 like a flash of lightning. He never knew what hit him. The awful hippie-stink killed him before any of her punches could.
"Oh my god!"
"We gotta get out of here! That poisonous odor is gonna fill up the whole room!"
Blinded by the tangible cloud of her own stink, Isabella could not see as the team escaped. As soon as she had noticed they escaped, with the now freed Jose, she immediately reverted back to her normal self and rushed to her hover-car.
The car was out of gas. She frantically rushed to a nearby gas pump to fill it up. She sat, staring in perplexity at the arcane machine. After a few uneventful moments, she called some of her brain-dead minions to help her work the pump.
"Ummm… so…do we have to like…put coins in?"
Isabella and her friends had never worked a gas pump before. The US government didn't feel that they could trust those from New Jersey to pump their own gas.
"No, you idiot! It's not a vending machine! …its ..umm…
…WHERES THE DAMN ATTENDANT!" Isabella anxiously screamed.
Meanwhile, the team was running on foot, desperately trying to escape the now unstoppable Isabella.
Finally, after Isabella and her team had called some out of state friends, they retrieved some fuel from the inner workings of the gas pump. After a few minutes, she caught up to the group.
"Stop right there! End of the line!" Isabella shouted. "Prepare to face the wrath of Isabella!"
"Hold on there, Isabella!" Jose somehow got a guitar. He had a plan, Isabella, had just one weakness. The only Coheed and Cambria song that he could play was Favor House Atlantic….but it was just enough to distract Isabella, allowing their escape!"
Rocking hard, Jose went into the first riff of the song….
"Wow…" T.P. said… "just…wow…" her ears almost bleeding
About twelve seconds in, El Beano couldn't take it any longer, "Jose…Jose…..JOSE! That's…that's really bad man. That's awful…in fact I might even say that that sucked…"
"Okay…yeah…now you're going to die extra hard, for that," Isabella said.
"Let me show you how it's done!" An inhumanly high-pitched voice rang out!
"Claudio!" Claudio Sanchez, the lead singer of Coheed and Cambria had arrived on the scene.
Suddenly, Isabella rushed to Claudio's side.
"Claudio… I love you! Your music is awesome! Coheed rocks!"
"Oh no…" Claudio said…
"What's wrong?" asked T.P.
"It's my hair…it…it must feed…"
Suddenly, a few bunches of hair extended toward Isabella.
"I love your new CD! And your old stuff rocks too! And….what the heck?" Isabella had begun to notice the hair now wrapping around her.
"What the heck is going on…hey wait…Claudio? What are you…mfmfmfffff,"
Isabella was now a bundle of hair with arms and legs. Suddenly, the strands of hair retracted, pulling Isabella with them. They kept going pulling her inside, into the last bit of her brown flip-flops had disappeared within the afro.
With a loud burb, Claudio's gigantic hair spit out two empty flip flops.
"Claudio! You saved the day!"
And they all lived happily ever after, until about 5 years or 3 CD's later until Claudio's hair grew so big that he could no longer sustain its hunger, developing a mind of its own and devouring pretty much all life on earth.
The End