Not the Same

By: Christina Csiszar

Fifteen year old Joey was standing in front of the auditorium. He sighed and leaned against the wall, flicking his black hair out of his grey eyes. When will this assembly start? He wondered as he checked his watch impatiently, making his many spiked bracelets rattle. A few people he knew passed by him to go into the auditorium and he greeted them. Some people gave him dirty looks as they walked past, but he just shrugged it off. He was used to it by now. Being gothic and gay was no small feat, especially in this school. The P.A finally came on and announced the beginning of the assembly, so he walked in and took a seat by some of his friends.

It was getting near the end of the assembly when he heard a voice behind him that he recognized. It's not possible, he thought, Luke can't be here. Joey turned around to the direction of the voice. It was him. Joey couldn't believe it. Luke, the guy of Joey's dreams, the guy he had spent an entire incredible summer with, was now attending his high school! Joey quickly turned his head so he wouldn't be caught staring. He gripped the sides of his seat, trying to keep his breath at a steady rate, even though fireworks were going off in his head. It took all his willpower to keep from just running over to him at that moment and giving him a huge hug.

After what then seemed like another hour, the principle finally stepped down from the podium and the assembly ended. Joey raced out of the auditorium and scanned the front foyer for Luke. He finally spotted him standing with a group of guys. Unfortunately all of them were people he greatly disliked, most of all their ringleader Mike, who was a great big homophobe that made fun of him every chance he got. Joey just figured that Luke had talked to the first people that he had seen and that's why he was with them. He ignored any doubts he had of this idea and walked over to him.

As Joey approached them Mike looked up and sneered. Luke must have noticed so he turned around, becoming very white at the sight of Joey.

"What do you want fag?" Mike asked, crossing his arms over his chest. Joey mimicked his tone,

"Nothing with you, so don't feel flattered. I'm interested in Luke thank you very much." Joey shot back and went to go hug Luke, "Hey babe, I thought I'd like never see you again. You never told me you were transferring here." Luke blushed crimson as Joey hugged him.

"Umm, what are you doing dude?" He asked, squirming to get out of Joey's hug. Joey looked up at him, slightly confused,

"Well hugging you, duh! Can't I hug my summer love?" Joey looked at Luke with puppy dog eyes, the eyes that used to make him melt, now they just made him seem more uncomfortable and nervous. Luke gulped and looked at Mike uneasily, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. He tried to avoid Joey's gaze as he spoke,

"Okay look. I know we kinda had a thing over the summer but summers over, and we are too." He looked at Mike again, his disgusted face making Luke sweat a little more and talk a little faster, "In fact the whole thing was kind of like and experimental phase, it's totally over now. I'm not even gay, I absolutely like chicks and I always will. I'm sorry if you got the wrong impression, but I don't want to be with guys."

Joey blinked, shocked. Confused thoughts were racing through his mind,

"What do you mean? I thought you loved me, you said you loved me! You said we were soul mates!" He was trying not to cry as he reached out and put his hand on Luke's arm. Luke immediately pushed it away. Joey could tell he was getting angry,

"Don't touch me! I don't like you in that way and I never did! So if you ever try anything like that again I won't hesitate to hurt you!"

Joey was taken back by this. He turned away from Luke's angry eyes and Mike's jeering face, and walked quickly in the opposite direction. He could hear their laughter, and he was even more crushed when he heard Luke's laugh as well. Joey was very bewildered and hurt. How could this blonde haired, blue eyed angel just throw away their perfect summer in a moments notice? Joey tried his hardest to hold back the tears that threatened to spill at any moment.

He turned into the bathroom, went into a stall and crouched down on the seat, rocking back and forth, letting the hot tears run down his face. His heart had just been smashed into a million pieces by the one person that he thought cared about him the most. More then his abusive parents, more then the bullies at school, more then the few friends he had.

Joey didn't know how long he had been in the bathroom before he got up and went to go look in a mirror. His black eyeliner had smudged all down his face and his eyes were bloodshot. He washed off the eyeliner and hoped that no one would notice his eyes, or at least think he was stoned or something. He would prefer it if Mike and Co. didn't know they had won. He decided that maybe Luke had acted that way because Mike had been there. He decided to try and get Luke by himself, though that proved harder then he thought.

Luke always seemed to be with Mike and his friends. Whenever Joey passed them they would throw things and yell out profanities. After a few days Luke even beat Mike's score in saying the meanest things possible.

Joey would go home crying. His parents didn't help the situation much either, calling him a sissy and telling him to buff up and be 'a real man,' and not some homo weirdo. After about a month he even started to cut himself, something he swore he'd never do. He couldn't help it though, his life had come crashing down because Luke had bailed out on him when he couldn't face the fact that he was gay and people would hurt him for it.

Joey knew that the summer hadn't been an act. Luke had shown him so much love in those two short months and it just wasn't possible for him to have been faking it. He was just a coward who couldn't face the fact of who he was and Joey couldn't bear it.

His life had become a tangled web of sorrow, pain, and false hope that Luke was just pretending to hate him and that he would come around. He knew that wouldn't happen though. Luke proved it everyday by hurting him emotionally, mentally and even physically. It was nearly a two-to-three days a week sport to see how many times they could beat him up without being caught by a teacher. Joey would come home with more bruises then he left with and his parents would do nothing, telling him that he deserved it for being the 'thing' that he was.

At school his friends gave up trying to make him feel better and they abandoned him, at a time when he would have needed them the most. Joey was completely alone in the world. He had no friends, no relationship, and no loving, supportive family. He decided the only thing to do now would be to end it all.

It was the first day of December and Joey came home carrying everything from his locker. He figured his parents wouldn't even notice he was gone for at least a week, so he saved them the chore of having to come to the school and collect all his things. He went into his room armed with candles, a razor, his favorite picture of Luke, and a pen and paper. He arranged the candles into a circle around him, leaving enough space so that he could lie down as he died. He wrote his suicide note, consisting of only a few sentences. He picked up the picture of Luke and kisses it. He still couldn't understand how he could have hurt him so much without even slightest hint of guilt. He glanced at the photograph before picking up the razor. He positioned it over his wrist and took a deep breath, making the first cut. He did it a few more times on the one wrist and then he did the same on the others, making them deep. He let the crimson blood pour down his wrist, slowly covering the floor around him. He laid down into the fetal position and cried as the blood touched the photo. Joey stared into those beautiful blue eyes one last time before closing his eyes, taking his final breath, and leaving his world of pain and sorrow forever.