Have you ever had that feeling? The one where it feels like your whole world has been shattered to bits. Where you feel so sad and like everything you believe in isn't real anymore. Where your fantasies and dreams suddenly don't seem as much fun as they used to be, you feel like you've been snapped back to reality, and can't get out. Trapped, and nowhere to go anymore. All those escapes routes you took have been discovered, and now you must face the truth of it all.
That's how I feel, like nothing is real anymore, and nothing was. I feel like I have just woken up from a life long dream, a wonderful dream. And how much I wish I could escape back into that world right now, but it's gone and will never come back. At least it'll never be the same; I just can't look at it the same way anymore, not now that I know.
Knowing, why do I have to know? If I didn't know, nothing would be like this; I could be back to where I was, back where everything was safe and back...Home. Where everything was just me and my many secrets, and I could be myself; who I really am.
They know now though and that changes everything, knowing that they know, knowing that whatever I do is known, my secrets found out. I just began to realise how important it was, that no one knows, the safety of my secrecy was what held me together, and in losing that, I fall apart.
They are always searching, why must they search? Curiosity is a wicked thing, and yet, that is what I thrive on. Ironic isn't it? I fall apart from the main thing that keeps me alive. Always so curious, if I wasn't curious this probably wouldn't have happened, I might have never found this... this... place, this wonderful paradise. I don't want to share it, though I know I must. Sharing it with the world, and the ones I love.
The ones that mean the world to me, and yet don't know me. They don't know my hopes and dreams, they don't know my world. So quiet I am to them, they think there isn't much to know. I suppose I couldn't have expected it to last forever, nothing ever does; like a piece of pie, you savor every bite, but you can't make it last and when its done, you wish you hadn't eaten it so quickly and go looking for more.
I guess that's what I'm doing, looking for more, like a lost puppy trying to find its way home but doesn't know the right direction. So confusing life is, there are too many directions, I must find a way; a way to go, to find my world, to pick up the pieces and put them together, like a puzzle. Right now I am the lost piece to that puzzle, searching for the pieces to match; and like a lost puzzle piece I am being searched for, there is always someone looking.
I will find those other pieces, it will just take time. Time for me to recover, and time to believe and learn to believe. When I do find the pieces, I will put them together and begin to patch my world.