Focus #10

My boyfriend is a friendly person. I don't kno-WHAT THE HELL?! There's a lizard in my room! No, seriously! Right as I'm typing this, I'm watching a lizard run around! Okay, um...hold on a sec...

(Please enjoy the magical music of your mind while we address this technical problem)

Okay, sorry about that. Um...just to clarify, it wasn't a lizard, it was a salamander, and I released it happily back into the wild. Un-maimed. Okay, on with the story. I'll just cut to the chase. Actually...I'll just make this a focus in itself...I can't stop laughing...I'll continue the story I was going to tell in the next focus.

Focus #11

Anyways, my boyfriend came to my house one day. He is the first guy I've actually brought home. My dad didn't speak one word to him the entire time we were there. We have this thing that's like a souped up golf cart called a Rhino. You may know what I'm talking about, you may not. Look it up. To pass time, and to get Shaun away from my dad, I decided to take him for a ride on it.

I took the wheel, he was in the passenger seat, and my brother was in the back. The Rhino has no doors. Remember this.

I wasn't driving as fast as I normally do because I didn't want to risk having a wreck and embarrassing myself. We drive around the farm a bit, and then I decide to take him on a narrow trail through the woods. BIG MISTAKE!

Okay, so we're all laughing about something, and I'm being careful and everything, but I guess I'm driving too fast just out of habit. A random branch of a pine tree gets caught on the windshield, bends back...and hits Shaun right in the face. He yells really loud and kind of wrestles with it a bit.

I start to laugh. I can't stop. I have to stop driving.

"You did that on purpose!" he cries, now laughing also.

"No! I really didn't!" But I don't sound very convincing.

"I just discovered that I scream like an eight year old girl," he says.

So the first time my boyfriend comes to my house, I hit him in the face with a tree...yeah. Good job, Smarty.

Focus #12

I know with all of the stories I've told you about the creatures in my house, I'm sure you're genuinely freaked out by now. Bats, lizards...now I am going to address our mouse problem. Yes, I am sure you knew this was coming.

Last night, while sleeping on the couch again, (I just don't sleep in the basement anymore...) I was jolted awake by a violent snapping noise and a shriek. Being the coward that I am, I pull the covers over my head and order my dog, a little Pekingnese, to go find out what it is. The THING continues to squeak loudly. I suspect another bat.

Since bats really aren't that bad, I actually think they're kind of cute, I decide that I should go and find what's putting the poor thing in such a distress. As I go into the kitchen, I can hear it screeching, and I lose my bravery and immediately begin screaming for my other brother, Christian.

"CHRISTIAN! CHRISTIAN!"

I can hear the video game music, and I realize that he won't come. Annoyed, I run to his room and bang on the door. "CHRISTIAN! Come find this THING!"

Christian, and my other brother Luke, both come into the kitchen. I was actually surprised that I didn't have to pry the controllers from their hands. They open the kitchen drawer that the screeching is coming from. A little mouse, leg caught in a trap, is flopping around desperately, trying to free itself.

"YAY! We got one!" Luke cries.

"Mom'll be happy," Christian says.

"It's suffering!" Says I. My brother's look at me.

"Aww, but look, he's squealing you guys..."

"We are not letting him go."

"Give me a cup."

Being the merciful hippie that I am, I just could not let that poor mouse suffer. I was even making up a name to give to the cute creature as I prepared to unsnap the trap and let him go into the cup.

However, as soon as that mouse hit the inside of the cup, he leaped out again. I screamed and jumped back. He ran across the kitchen, hit a wall, and then disappeared beneath the fridge. By brothers gave me such looks that I thought for a moment that maybe they were going to shove the mouse trap down my throat.

"Nice job," they say before heading off to bed.

I sigh. Goodnight, mousie, I think, and then I turn off the kitchen light and go to bed.