Kilian's babble: Last chapter, before the epilogue. Which I think I am not going to wait until next week to post so … maybe on Sunday, just to be evil.

Chapter 34: The end

Sky lead us to another hideout. He didn't try the usual flat, didn't even mention it or Stan for that matter. Actually he didn't talk at all aside from an order here and there to turn right or left. The others weren't so withdrawn and discussed the whole thing through and through. Every little detail got thrown in at some point and I wasn't feeling very good about it. There were things I'd have rather forgotten, especially the events that led to my almost scarification and Stan's death. Not only that but when they ran out of things to analyse, they tried to make me tell what had happened to me while I was away. They were surprised to find me unhappy to comply and rather vague on the subject. Kevin even accused me of being obtrusive. I mocked him for his being able to use three-syllables words and then started to walk faster. They didn't try to talk to me again after that but I heard them mention my sudden bad mood and my almighty attitude. I let them think whatever they wanted. I didn't want to explain the centre to them. How playing football with people my age and babysitting a band of brats had been enough of a life for some weeks wasn't something they could understand. I smiled bitterly when I thought of explaining Brian to them. Not the part where I had used him and his attraction to me for my own ends, but the sweet and devoted friend he had also been.

John was already at the hideout and was almost as surprised to see us turn up there as we were to see him. Apparently he had left while everyone was panicking about the broken shield. Since he hadn't been there for the battle all the others wanted to tell him what had happened. Sky stayed with them, still as taciturn as he had been since the ghost left his body. I, on the other hand, was fed up with the whole thing and I left quietly to go get some sleep. There was a room in this particular building that had always been considered as mine even though I hadn't slept in it for ages and I just didn't feel comfortable enough sharing a bed with Sky like I would usually do so I went there. There was a mattress and some pillow in a corner. The mattress was a bit small because it was the one I had used as a child and there had been no reason to change it until now. Despite the tiredness it took me a long time to fall asleep. I kept thinking about Angela and Brian, they were probably alright by now, back at the centre and thinking back on everything that had happened just like I was. I thought of the words Angela had told me, how people like me always ended up hurting others even when trying not to. If she was right then I was doing Brian a favour by staying away from him. Sky had seemed to be able to handle me just fine until now, it would be just like the old days, without Stan, with one place less and with a lot of memories that I didn't know what to do with.

Later that night I was awoken by a hard shake of my shoulder. I felt groggy and couldn't get my eyes to focus on the person beside my bed so it took me time to react. Too much time apparently because I was suddenly lifted by strong arms and carried away. I'd have tried to fight but it was Sky and he didn't look too pleased with me. He carried me all the way to his room and put me on the bed. Then he joined me and dragged me against him for a rough kiss. I let him dominate it and didn't protest when he pushed me down and laid on top of me. That was Sky's way of getting some comfort after a very miserable event. It had always been like this and I knew that pushing him away wouldn't do any good so I didn't try to stop him when he undressed us, I didn't help either but if he noticed, he didn't comment on it. Whether he was angry at me for not going back to our usual sleeping arrangement or not he was still rougher than I liked. But I didn't say a word when he threw my boxers away, kept silent while his hands roamed over my body as if he needed to make sure he hadn't forgotten anything. Maybe, just maybe, he was also making sure that I was okay. I let out a few moans when he stretched me and a few more while he fucked me but overall it was the most quiet I had ever been during sex. It even surprised me to have an orgasm. I hadn't expected to be able to come with the way Sky was slamming inside me and not seeming to care that I wouldn't be able to walk the next day. Though, now that I thought of it, it had never been one of his greatest worries. It had always seemed enough to him that I wasn't bleeding when he was done. It wasn't even a lack of care or affection from his part, he just liked it rough and didn't think I might be any different.

Feeling him come inside me almost made me sick but I couldn't point out why. The feeling persisted while he cleaned us up and tuck me in bed. It only faded when he laid next to me and took me in his arms. After that I fell into a dreamless sleep and was very thankful for it.

For a few days afterward we mainly stayed inside, licking our wounds and reacquainting ourselves with each other. John was spending a lot of time outside gathering new and getting a feeling of how things were for their little business. Sky seemed to be brooding and I didn't see much of him during the days. At nights, though, he always seemed to come find me and we'd be having sex again, a bit gentler than the first night, not gentle enough that I would be free of pain the next morning.

We talked as well. About the news John brought back, about old stories and the few ones I agreed to share about the centre. He prodded a bit but I didn't tell much and he didn't push too much. It was both a relief and a source of irritation. Relief for not having to explain Brian to him, irritation at his lack of curiosity that could come from his respect of my private life or a lack of interest. Brian's dog-like adoration and fidelity had been an ego boost now that I thought about it. Was that it? Different and flattering and I had taken it for something deeper?

One day John came back and came straight to me instead of going to find Sky first. "Word on the streets has it that Chen is looking for you." He said almost dismissively.

"Chen?" I frowned "I thought he was dead."

"Apparently not. Do you know why he wants to see you?" John sounded truly concerned. Chen wanting to see me was probably for this help I had promised. Or maybe he was really dead and his people had set up a trap to avenge his death. Not very likely after all this time but the Triad was very fond of its honour after all.

"Chen wants to see me or the Triad does?"

"Chen. Does it make a difference?"

"Chen, you're sure?"

John's expression darkened. "Yhea pretty much. Did you do anything while we weren't around that you want to tell me about?"

I relaxed considerably. "It's nothing. If it's just Chen then it's normal. I owe him a favour.

"You usually know better than that." Remarked John suspiciously.

I tried to smile reassuringly. Why John seemed so upset about all this was beyond me. "I tell you it's fine. I'm just going to work for him on something and then all will be well."

"Sky should know about…"

"Nothing." I interrupted. "Sky doesn't need to know." John didn't look like he agreed with me so I pressed my point. "It's my life, Sky isn't my father, neither are you. I'll deal with Chen, it won't be the first time either." I started walking toward the door, not so much for the cool exit than running away. What was the man's problem all of a sudden?

"It was wrong of Sky to take you in. It was wrong of all of us."

That made me react. I turned around with a disdainful expression. "Now who's turning into a useless softy?"

John's face hardened. Whatever had come to pass it was now gone. "Don't delay too much, Chen has a tendency to overestimate what he is due if he has to wait." Then he left, effectively stealing my exit.

That night I pushed Sky away when he joined me in bed. I didn't want to go see Chen with a limp, when you go see someone who likes to poke jokes at you, you don't give him the stick to beat you with. Sky didn't accept to be rejected too well though..

"What's with everyone tonight?" He snarled. "First John goes all moralizer on me and now you. What's next? Simon will refuse to cook?"

I didn't think Simon would stop cooking, it was his only pleasure in life. That John would go against his so precious boss was something entirely different. "What did he say?" I asked, trying to sound less interested than I actually was.

"John?" I nodded, but Sky must have sensed the topic held more importance to me than I wanted him to know because he became suspicious. "What's with the interest all of a sudden?"

I tried to change the subject by asking him why he didn't want to tell. It didn't work as I wanted. He pushed me roughly on my back and repositioned himself on top of me, face inches from mine and looking very intimidating. "What's going on with you Nathan?"

"Uh? Nothing."

"Then why was John so worried about you? He's always been a mother hen when it comes to you but lately he can't leave me the fuck alone with it."

I was at a loss. John had never seemed like the easily worried type. I remembered that Simon always asked where I was going when I was younger and maybe Henri had given a lot of advice I knew for a fact he had never followed himself. But John?

"I don't get it." I murmured. It was the truth as well.

"Neither do I. Hell yesterday the guy was a millimetre away from calling me a child molester." I winced. That had been a topic everyone had tiptoed around when Sky and I started to fuck. Gosh I had had to practically molest the guy in front of the others before they would get it through their thick skulls that I was a willing party in that relationship. Not that there had been much of a relationship at first. I was a teenager with raging hormones and Sky was just the only gay man I knew. Add to that a serious case of hero-worship and you can probably imagine pretty accurately what had happened when I understood he wasn't uninterested. I still didn't know why Sky had accepted, sometimes I had wondered if it was only because I was a convenient fuck.

Sky resumed his renting about how John told him it couldn't have been good for me to grow up with a bunch of criminals like them, how they still even didn't know where my family was, if I still had one, wasn't it a pity that I didn't know at least whether they were alive or not and Christ maybe there were parents still looking for a son they couldn't believe was dead.

"Then today he came back saying we should at least have made you go to school. Said that it wasn't too late and we should send you to interact with kids your age, that we owed you that much."

I couldn't believe my ears. "What!? Repeat that again!"

Sky chuckled humourlessly. "Yhea I mean what the fuck? You'd never fit in a school. I bet it wouldn't take you more than a week to blow something up. Beside you'd be so late on most subjects they'd have to put you with kids at least five years younger than you are."

It hurt to admit it but he was right. At the centre there were so few students of so many different ages that everyone had their own program and worked on their own with the teachers helping as much as they could. It was the only reason I had been able to follow the class with the others. And even like this, the teachers hadn't been impressed by my level at all.

"But the best part is still to come." Warned Sky with a dry expression. "His ultimate plan is to make a respectable man out of you. He wants you to leave us plain and simple."

I pushed Sky away. I needed space to think, a lot of space. I climbed of the bed and started putting my clothes on. Sky didn't say anything, didn't try to stop me as I left. I didn't cross path with any of the others on my way out.

Outside the night was clear of clouds but rather dark. We were staying closer to the middle of the town than ever, but despite, or maybe because of this commodity, our current residence wasn't really anyone's favourite. I started walking at a fast pace. I needed to clear my head. My life wasn't what I had pictured it to be after freeing the others. But somehow I wasn't too surprised about it. Sonia had warned me, Angela had warned me, I had suspected it all along. Too many things had happened, Stan's death, the lost of two places that had been important, if not for me then for the others. Everything that I had lived while I was on my own, half of which they weren't aware of, mainly because I didn't want to tell. I just hoped that I had grown up a little and not just became a spoiled brat. Change hadn't touched only me though. John thinking of sending me to school was something I would have never thought possible. What did he think it would change? I was nearly eighteen; you don't change all that much when you reach that age and you certainly don't go back to school. So what choice did I have? On one hand I could go back to Sky, hope that things would settle down. Everyone would get used to things the way they were now, maybe they would resent me a little for what I had done to Stan but it wasn't entirely my fault. They wouldn't hate me, I knew it for sure. But things would never be as carefree as they had been. As for Sky, I didn't know if his behaviour would come to pass but even if it didn't I could get used to it. That was the thing, I could get used to anything if given enough time. But then? If I stayed with them and John really tried to put his plan in action he would soon find out how stupid it was. Either he'd drop it or he would become bitter, on the long run it could be the end of the gang. Either way I was only good for odd jobs so I would stay with them and do my part as long as they accepted me. If they ever came to reject me I could probably find work with Chen or any group dealing in illegal traffic. I had powers most people didn't have and I would always find work. I could stay with Sky. One way or the other I would get through, maybe not always very prettily and it wouldn't be easy, but I would survive and live even longer than most. Maybe become old, but that was a worry for later.

The other possibility was much less certain. I could go back to Brian, hope that he would forgive me. He probably would, his heart was too kind and he had fallen too hard to not jump on a second chance. But then what? Going back to the centre? I wasn't sure they would want me and I was pretty certain that I didn't want to have Appletone, Newton and the old Simon Durand on my case. Brian was sweet but he wasn't worth that much, though I had been able to deal with it once. Why not twice? Playing at being almost normal… well as normal as the others were anyway. I would just have to let them prod a bit and I could spend time with Brian, maybe instead of learning math and stuff I could help him around? It was boring work but it certainly wouldn't kill me like working for Chen or Sky might. Until I grew tired of it and went back to my delinquent ways. I am sure Angela already had a theory on how I just couldn't enjoy simple happiness and would destroy it in my need of adrenaline rush. No, leaving with Brian was definitely not worth it.

Maybe I was taking this the wrong way around. What did I want most? The answer to that question seemed simple enough. I was tired of Sky, of John and of pretty much everyone aside from Brian. But as far as I knew Brian came with the centre and even possibly Angela. Oh god what had I tangled myself into?

I was still trying to sort it out when a hand fell heavily on my shoulder. On reflexes, I whirled around, ready to defend myself. Asian looking and probably weighing around two hundreds pounds, my assailant didn't look like he wanted to harm me, which was good because his build was more than impressive. Instead he looked at me closely before finally asking. "You Nathan?"

I nodded wordlessly.

"Boss wants to see you."

"Hu?"

The guy pushed me in front of him but never let go of my shoulder. I let him. I could have easily escaped but wasn't I going to see Chen at some point anyway? Might as well take care of that first. If it was dangerous and I never came back then it would settle matters.

XXX

The gorilla, thug, whatever followed me all the way in Chen's office like he was afraid I would escape. Upon entering the first thing I noticed was the clock and thus the time. Three in the morning suddenly seemed an odd hour to meet someone. Wasn't Chen supposed to be recovering or something? Last time I had seen him he was in the middle of a raging fire. But then my eyes moved to the person behind the desk and I was met by the smirking face of Chen. His hair had been shaved off and I could see bandages climbing up his neck from inside his suit. I should have figured the fucker would be enough to keep the important bits safe. Oh well good for him. I guessed he wasn't much competition anyway since he was into ladies.

"Nathan. Good to finally be able to enjoy your company."

"Scene looks familiar doesn't it?" Said a feminine voice from beside me. I turned my head just enough to see that Angela was indeed present.

Chen's smile widened further. "You'll be surprised to know that our dear Angela here visited me every evening for the last few days, if I didn't know better I would think that she was looking for someone."

I tried to smile as well but it felt forced and must have looked quite sour. "Yhea, how strange."

Angela stayed silent but I could feel her eyes throw daggers at me. I was ready to bet that I knew what her problem was. After all she had promised me to kill me if I ever hurt Brian and I had more or less done exactly so. Dear me, and to think I had been worried about what Chen had in store for me. What a joke.

"Excuse us please we need to talk." Angela's sweet voice got me back on earth. Without waiting for an answer she grabbed my arm and pulled me with her and out of the building. I just got enough sense to avoid the door that was in my way –she had done it on purpose I was sure-. Once outside she threw me none too gently against a wall and stood in front of me, hand on her hips on murder written all over her face.

"You, stupido, has a hell of a lot of explaining to do."

"I know, I was just…"

"Not to me cretino!" She cut me. "I don't care for your stupid excuses, I'd kill you myself if I ever thought that it could help matters any." I tell you that girl loves me.

"But…"

"Silencio!" She was more imperious than furious which I took as a good sign. The death-threats as well. If she really wanted to harm me surely she wouldn't have warned me first. "The other idiot won't do anything and is trying to convince himself that everything is for the best. And it's killing him!" I winced. Surely she was exaggerating a little. No one dies of a broken heart despite what some people want to think. "So now you're going to see him."

My eyebrows shot up as my eyes widened in surprise. "Now? But…"

"Ma insomma! How many times will I have to tell you? I don't want to hear it. You're going and you're going right now." And she grabbed me again and gave me a push that almost got me falling on my face. When I regained my footing I put some space between you and tried again. "But Chen? I…"

"I'm taking care of that." She growled. "Now I want to see you heading this way and if I learn that you didn't go see him I'll hunt you down and kill you for real. Got me asino?"

I nodded strongly. By that point anything she wanted. I had never seen such a scary woman in my live.

I made my way slowly. Because I didn't know what I would say to him. Mainly because I still didn't know what I wanted for myself. That things weren't like before I had gotten that much. But then what? "Hello, I know that I didn't tell you for Sky and that you saw him kiss me and I'm sorry I was back with him for the last week?" You just can't say that to people. Though I realised as I thought it that it was true. I was sorry to have let Brian see Sky kiss me and I felt guilty for not pushing him away. But what was really eating at me was the feeling of Sky fucking me and coming inside me. The sickening feeling was coming back but worse than that first night. And the closer I got to the centre the more I felt like I was about to puke.

When the building came into view I had to stop and take a few deep breathes.

I got in through a window and made my way to the part that held Brian's room. I watched it for a while, there was no light coming from underneath it to signal a presence, so late in the night it wasn't surprising. I didn't bother with knocking, just opened the door and let myself in. It was dark inside and so I groped my way along in the dark. As I had found out the last time I had been here, the room wasn't memory free anymore. And as always in the centre there was no way to keep my power at bay. I went through a lot of sadness mainly. It seemed as if most of the memories were from after Brian's return. A lot of tiredness, sore muscles, the sharper pain of a cut that awakened each time a certain finger moved. But always that lingering hollowness, that deep aching sorrow. I had experienced once the rawness of Brian's feeling and had been surprised to feel it echo in me. This time was no different. God, how much of a fool did I need to be to have just let him without a clear explanation for so long?

I covered the rest of the way and my leg bumped against Brian's bed. Still blind I put my hands in front of me and tried, as lightly as I could, to figure where he was. My fingers brushed against the fabric of his bed sheets, I moved them until I could feel strands of hair and the collar of a t-shirt. I had barely felt the softness of his skin when he woke with a jerk.

"What… what?"

"Shush." I murmured, inching closer and re-establishing physical contact.

"Who?" He grabbed my hand and kept it away from him. I ignored it and climbed on the bed, pushing my body against his.

"I'm so sorry." I said, surprised to realise that it was the truth. "I'm so, so sorry." I repeated.

"Nathan?"

I put my body as close to his as it could go and buried my face in his shoulder, almost missed too because of the darkness. Nothing happened for a while, but then his hand let go of my wrist and his arms encircled me in a gentle hug. It felt good. But Sky's hugs also felt good. And I realized that I might have finally admitted to myself how strongly I felt for Brian but I wasn't any wiser than an hour ago.

"Brian I…"

"It's alright." He said comfortingly. "It's okay."

It wasn't, we both knew it. "Liar." I said flatly. There is only so much energy one can allow to emotional roller coasters. I had reached the extend of my reserve and just didn't have anything left for make-beliefs for… oh for at least the coming day and even the one after and maybe the rest of the week as well. So I did something intelligent finally and I took it from the beginning and laid it bare. Not just what I needed him to know, not just what I felt comfortable with other people knowing, but the whole story. "I'm going to say it once." I warned, hoping that it would be enough to keep Brian from interrupting me. "Sky and his gang found me wandering the streets when I was… about nine. They took me in. Explanations were never really clear on the reason why, but be it because just leaving me there was too cruel, even for them, or because they found out about my power or some other reason, they still took me with them and as far as I can tell they were kind about it." Everything: childhood memories, teen years and the effects on my relationship with Sky, the bit I had already told Angela about the job, Stan's death, me lying to and using others because I thought that it was the only course of action, the last week in its most inglorious details; I said everything. I didn't skim over anything, told him details about my relationship with Sky that I would probably turn red thinking about later. Minutes turned into hours that turned into a lifetime, my lifetime. And all though it Brian remained silent. By the end of the story we were both lying on his bed, I was on my back, starring at the ceiling and Brian was on his eyes burning holes in my face. When the last sound of the last word died on my lips it gave life to a very, very long silence.

A little apprehensive, I waited for Brian to react. Instead of an answer I got a caress as Brian's hand brushed my hair out of my eyes. "And now what?" he asked.

I sighed in exasperation. Hadn't he listened? "I don't know. I can't figure it out."

"Then it's easy. You stay with me as long as you can stand me." Said Brian matter of factly.

Things couldn't be so simple. People would know if it were the case. "And then?"

"Then? Well, I'll be old by then. I won't care so much so it doesn't matter." Answered Brian in an uncharacteristically bout of mirth. Or maybe he didn't know anymore than I did but didn't want me to get troubled by it.

My incredulity was reaching summits "So that's it? You're really just going to tell me to stay with you?" What I actually meant was more along the lines of are you sure that you still want me. Brian seemed to sense it.

"You basically asked me to tell you what to do. Forgive my selfishness but yes, I want to keep you for myself for as long as you'll allow me." He moved his upper body on top of me so that he could look down at my face. There was still no light on and despite my eyes having had time to adjust to the darkness, I could barely make out the paler patch that was his face. "Now you are going to give me a kiss and then the both of us are going to sleep because it's late. It goes without saying that I expect you to still be here when I wake up tomorrow so don't you dare try to escape."

What was there to do but comply? My hands went to his head and fisted his hair to allow me to bring his head closer. Our noses touched first and then our faces slid into place naturally. When our lips met I started a slow kiss that remained close-mouthed for several seconds before any of us tried to deepen it. I surrendered completely and wasn't ashamed to nudge his lips open and suck his tong in my mouth to try and coax him to take control of the kiss. When he did I moaned in approbation and then just followed his lead. As tired as we were it was a little sloppy but it felt good and right. Just then, I allowed myself to enjoy being in Brian's arms, sharing a kiss and, more generally, I just enjoyed being happy.

TO BE CONTINUED