Pete Yorn made her think and these days all she did was think. She had too many thoughts bouncing around in her head and all she wanted to do was escape. It figures she'd be trapped in the one thing you can never escape from. There's no way to avoid your mind. It's with you no matter where you go. Trying to run from yourself is pointless too. You just end up running away from everyone else and then you're left alone. Being alone is the worst way to be when your thoughts are drowning you. Her thoughts had the ability to literally stop her in her tracks. Sometimes her mind was so intense she couldn't breath. Then one day she found a way to make it stop and that's the day she died.
It was a painless death. More emotional then anything. At this point, I'm betting you're confused. Well, don't be. I'm clearing it up. She didn't die physically, if that's what you're thinking. She just killed her ability to feel. Her soul died, not her body. She was a pussy to the core, and a healthy pussy at that. She'd never kill herself, too creepy, and there was no way she'd die naturally. She had to find another way. So one day she concentrated, really focused, and just turned herself off. It was like a switch that she'd been feeling around for in the dark and finally she'd found it. Once she'd turned herself off, the rest was easy. She avoided people at all cost, stopped having conversations that became anymore intimate then "How are you?," and ran from anyone who seemed to be interested in her as a person. There was no way she was ever going to open up to anyone again. People would need to deal with that. She'd made up her mind and there was no changing it now.
She didn't miss feeling- most of the time. Sometimes when she walked down the hall and saw a group of girls giggling at their lockers or a couple flirting and laughing she missed it. Laughing had always been her favorite part of emotion. It didn't happen often though, even when she participated in the world, so it was more something she felt she SHOULD miss. Like when someone dies. You feel like you should be sad, like your world should stop for at least a moment, even if you didn't know them. It was entirely like that. She felt like she should miss something from before- even if it was never really hers. Happiness had always been a thing she'd borrowed or faked. It was never something she'd actually possessed. Oh god, it was coming. The feelings. Her chest was beginning to tingle and her eyes felt kind of moist. Time to turn herself off entirely. Time to run away and escape the world. She'd finally learned how. There was no reason to waste the ability.
Dinner was hell. Sitting with a group of people who pretended they didn't feel the same way she did. They all ran. They all wanted to escape. It was what made them a family, their collective need to get away. Her father drank the pain away, her mother used attention to feel beautiful, her sister used sex, and she forgot. It's sad when being emotionally unattached is the norm. At dinner they sat in silence. Her father would pour a glass of whiskey and lie about work. Things were good, he loved it. It was the job he'd dreamed about all his life. This made her laugh. She knew for a fact that this job was his dream because it paid money. If he could be whatever he wanted it he'd certainly be leading a different life then this. Her mother sat twirling her freshly died hair between her manicured fingers. The shiny pink polish matched her blouse perfectly and her blouse was cut low enough to show of her perfectly shaped, thousand dollar breasts. Her cliché blond comments were always good for a laugh. Oh and the baby sister, don't forget her. If you can make eye contact long enough to actually see her eyes, the truth is revealed. The truth about who she really is and how she really feels. She never stops texting her latest fling long enough for that to happen though so use your imagination. Her bright makeup is caked on and she doesn't even face her family without it. No one is sure what she really looks like anymore. This is a picture perfect american family. Someone take a picture of this natural beauty. Let's pretend it's not a freak show.
The highlight in this pathetic world is her group of friends. They're her real family. They're the people she would die for, the people she's alive for. They know when she is sad and they care to know why. They even attempt to make her smile which is the most anyone does for her these days. They tell her she's beautiful and that she has so much potential. With them she pretends to listen. They're the only ones who get that much. Sometimes they even make her smile. Once or twice they made her laugh. It was a miracle and the reason she decided to keep them around. That, and the world just wasn't so bad if they were there. At least they loved her or they were the best fucking actors in the world. She didn't really care to know and that was the way it would say.
Of course there was a boy too. There's always a boy, isn't there? This boy was beautiful, smart, athletic, cliché as fuck. Everything you'd expect him to be. Oh yea, he was the best friends older brother too. Yes the older, gorgeous boy who sees you as his kid brother's best friend. That makes your chances slim to none, if you can be given that much. She relives the times he said hello and the varied hugs - oh yes she's counted (there were 17) - with her friends every chance she gets. They assure her that he loves her. He looks at her and his eyes scream for her. She says no and in her head she hopes it's true. They say it's just a matter of time. She repeats it in her head over and over again. She knows it won't happen but she prays with all her soul it might.
You called it again; it does all come crashing down. It explodes, if you will. There are no survivors. It leaves a huge mess. It starts when she sees him with her. She always knew he'd date but she never though he'd date her best friend. It's what she gets for letting herself feel. With him she always let herself feel because he felt good. He was the only good she'd found in this god-forsaken world. She'd claimed him and he'd been stolen. By her best friend no less. Oh, this was betrayal. Cold-hearted, painful betrayal. She may never be the same. What was the point? She'd just lost everything that mattered. The love of her life and her best friend. There were no excuses. She couldn't claim to be oblivious. She'd known what he meant. She'd known how much she'd loved him and she'd taken him. She'd taken her boy. Oh god, too many feelings. Have to shut them off. Have to pretend to be happy. Oh how exciting! She exclaims. She pretends she's really happy. She pretends it's great and when the whole world turns around, when they are off being happy, she lies down and cries.