The Elusive

There are many things in my life that seem to escape me in one-way or another. Sleep being the most elusive of them all is what flees from me tonight. This seems to be nothing out of the ordinary as it happens almost every night. Children are tucked away in their dreams, house is tidy, face is washed and lotioned. The day is at its end and it is time for sleep at last. I lay in my freshly made queen size bed, next to my just fallen asleep partner. I stretch and settle under the covers anticipating the heaviness of being drowsy, the familiar sting in the eyes, and the deep breath that seems to make me indifferent to all but my pillow. With eyes closed my mind begins to wander from earlier this week to years from now. I think of my dreams wondering if I am following a pointless worn pathway or making my very own. I always seem to think of the fanciful things first.

The endless things I would do if I were to win the lottery. I would give, give, give to every one who needed, I would build grand human service institutes, and I would ensure my children's hopeful future. I would hire a personal trainer and finally lose all my extra weight, maybe embrace a new bosom long lost after bearing children. I would start my own restaurant, magazine, and art store. Buy a tropical vacation house in the Caribbean. All the Caribbean, blue waters, and palm trees. The exotic women, and playboy men, nonstop beaches, the soothing sound of the ocean. All these things flirt for acknowledgement, as the want for sleep continues on. Very ironic how the elusive things in life come to mind first when sleep is also out of grasp. Once I have purged the most unlikely dreams from my mind and decide to concentrate on nothing at all. All is well for the first few minutes. I find it most difficult to think of nothing at all though when I feel I must think of nothing at all. How peculiar it all seems the plague of insomnia. As I think of nothing at all, which in my mind is a forced black blanket over my thoughts, I hear a voice telling me to stay grounded. In my mind I imagine my mother telling how dreams of grandeur will get me no where at all, and I need to keep my head out of the clouds and my feet firmly planted on the ground. My mind still trying to focus on a black abyss overlaying all thoughts is becoming more transparent. And in the depths of the void I see an elongated me, with my feet planted firmly on the ground, and my head is way up in the sky where the clouds would be if it were not such a sunny clear day. I walk over the valleys of green meadows and gurgling, bubbling, splashing little streams and brooks. I feel smugness as if I bested my mother by doing as I pleased and what she wanted all at the same time. I fight the smile spreading across my face. The battle proves pointless as I feel a quieted laugh overcome me. Of course this silly exaggeration only remains barely a moment as my mind quickly changes the scene and topics at hand. Now I am thinking of love and life in a deeper since. Am I really in love? Will I marry my partner? Will my son get over this extreme stage he is going thru. Will I ever feel accomplished? Many questions. So many I am no longer thinking in images. All that is in my head is the unheard voice battling every aspect in my current events. Thoughts racing through my mind so fast I can feel the frustration build to an intolerable level. AND just when I think I cannot handle anymore and I begin to question why god gave of the power of thought and emotion in the first place, my youngest son wakes up. I wonder if maybe I was thinking to loud, or if he was having troublesome dreams as well. I pick him up and hold him close to my chest. Rubbing the back of his neck and back as we lay down together in bed. As his crying resides I feel warmth of accomplishment finally arise. Finally the deep breathe that makes me one with the bed, the familiar sting of the eyes, and the blessed heaviness of being drowsy overcomes me. With my youngest son within my arms I melt into peaceful dreams. The elusive is easier obtained when I have love close to heart.