(Here we go.)
I don't know. Uh. How
to, um, say This.
(No, it's has been chewed, swallowed, fully digested,
and now, shat out.
I know exactly how to say it.)
I'm— oh God. This is
(It'll be harder for you.)
It's not, um—
(It's not nervousness, it's guilt.)
every couch fiber's got a story for listening fingers
For the past couple of days,
("Couple," hah. 13 and a half days.
19,440 minutes of pretending.
1,166,400 seconds were shams.)
brush his knee and
unwittingly submerge him in memories
Things haven't been
fuck, hands are still here
what to do with them
need to hide them and help him
get ready to forget
(Fuck, don't look at me.
It's not you.
If I could change the way I feel…
Nevermind. Fuck, I don't know.
I tried; I can't.)
And I want to be completely
Honest with you.
(But not about the suffocating.
That doesn't sound good: When I'm with you I feel like
Damn. Secret best kept.)
sing our newborn love to sleep
I don't want to be with you anymore.
his eyes burn red
more like a slap to the face
(That sounds awful.
I don't want to see you anymore.
I don't want to touch you anymore.
I don't want to talk to you anymore.
I still care for you, but
(Do I really?
I do. Wait. I'm not sure.
I want to care about you, but —
Is it bad? — I might not care if you dropped off the
face of the Earth.)
I'm not comfortable in The Relationship
(I was never really comfortable.
Fuck, Never really admitted that.
One foot out the door. And now,
The other in my mouth.)
feet are ready to leave
before the rest
tap tap tap
So, uh, I think that we need to,
close our eyes
sigh and tremble
the last time we move as one
No, no, no. Not now!
Monkey bars, skirt's riding up,
Vietnamese restaurant, bare feet,
Sobbing in the rocking chair,
Laughing, six hours on the phone.
(You do know.
I see it.
I hope you see that, too.
I hope you see all of this that I can't say out loud.)