19ICE CUBES: Frigid Assassins
A useful guide to the types and tactics of Ice Cubes.
Ice Cubes come in many forms; some are aggressive, and others can be quite timid. The Author believes that it would be in the reader's best interest to familiarize him/herself with these forms. Remember: knowledge is power!
TYPES OF ICE CUBES
Ice Cubes are commonly encountered in 5 basic forms:
A) Crushed Ice- Crushed Ice is the most timid form of Ice Cube. Usually found in refrigerator ice and water dispensers or in bags at gas stations, this form of Ice Cube is comfortable in the homes of humans. It has medium attack potential, but typically refrains from attacking. Crushed Ice is so peaceful because it is the only form of Cube domesticated by humans. It has been beaten and broken to the point that it no longer possesses much of a will to fight. Nevertheless, when it does attack, it can do reasonable damage.
B) Cubed Cubes- Cubed Cubes are a fairly aggressive form of Ice Cube. They are obviously the most well-known cube because after all, Ice Cubes are called Ice Cubes no matter what shape they take on. Cubed Cubes are also typically found in the home. Taking refuge in freezers, they reproduce using a symbiotic relationship to humans. The way this works is that the humans fill reproduction chambers called "Ice Trays" in which the cubes grow. Once they have frozen to full thickness, they feign innocence as the humans crack them from their trays and place them in drinks. Cubed Cubes are dangerous from birth, however, as you will soon be instructed.
C) Crescent Cubes- Crescent Cubes can either be spawned in freezers or reproduced commercially (in restaurants). They have evolved perfectly to fit the insides of cups and glasses: a quality that is very effective at tormenting human beings. This form of Ice Cube is more placid than most other forms of cube and relies on defiance to bother its victims. Attack methods will be explained in the "Tactics" section.
D) Cylinder Cubes- Cylinder Cubes are the most infamous type of Ice Cube. Typically residing in expensive restaurants, they are mistaken as being domesticated and thus, they are not taken seriously. Their hollow, cylindrical form is quite appealing to children and teenagers alike. A favorite activity of humans is to string them on straws, playfully sliding them back and forth.
WARNING: DO NOT DO THIS! Ice Cubes' most hated enemies are straws. Even the peaceful Crushed Ice Cubes are provoked to violence when sucked through a straw.
With that said, please use extreme caution when dealing with the vengeful Cylinder Cubes.
E) Fast-Food Cubes- Fast-Food Cubes are only slightly more tempered than Cylinder Cubes. Their form looks like that of a stout icy Pringle. Almost all fast-food restaurants distribute these cubes, unaware of their hidden, primal nature. Not much needs to be said about the Fast-Food Cube except that it, too, should be monitored with the utmost observance.
Now that you have become familiar with the forms and natures of Ice Cubes, the Author feels that it is urgent that the reader know the eccentric tactics characteristic of each type of cube.
ICE CUBE TACTICS
Ice Cubes have concocted a number of different attack strategies. Each form of Ice Cube has a tactic that best suits its form and nature, while many tactics can be done by various forms of ice cubes. It would be beneficial for the reader to familiarize him/herself with these tactics, in order to defend him/herself against potentially hazardous situations.
1) The Shift- An offensive strike in which a cluster of cubes will huddle together in a cup, motionless, letting the liquid flow between them placidly. Once the victim has become confident that the Ice Cubes will remain still, he/she takes larger sips. When the cubes sense this, they topple over, shifting toward the victim's mouth and causing liquid to spill all over the victim's shirt, pants, etc. They often aim said liquid at the zipper are of the pants in order to cause maximum embarrassment to the victim. -Usually executed by Cylinder or Fast-Food Cubes.
How to Avoid: The best method that can be employed in order to avoid "The Shift" is that you shake the cup or glass as you tilt it up to drink. This render the cubes unable to wall up for the attack. A good tip to remember is that you should never allow the angle of the cube wall to become steeper than the angle of the liquid you are drinking. Make sure that the cubes float along with the liquid instead of rising behind it.
2) The Dam- A defensive maneuver in which the cubes arrange themselves in a manner that will block the most liquid from the victim's mouth. -This maneuver is most effective when performed by Crescent Cubes because they form an almost perfect seal in most cups and glasses. The Crescent Cubes' semicircular shape allows them to seal off the rim of the glass while also blocking the flow of liquid over them.
How to Avoid: Unfortunately, there is no clear cut way to avoid this technique. Its effectiveness lies in the very shapes of the cube and the glass. The only counter for this maneuver is to prod the cube with your tongue, causing it to slide sideways. However, this is only a temporary fix. Cracking the cubes or using a larger mouthed glass work as well.
3) The Lunge- A simple offensive strike in which the cube lunges for the victim's mouth in order to slide down the throat, causing a freezing/choking sensation. -All Ice Cubes are capable of performing this strike. It is least effective when performed by Crushed Ice and most painful when executed by the Cubed Cube.
How to Avoid: Easily avoided, you must simply drink slowly and with your lips mostly closed.
4) The Stick and Plunge- A versatile two-part tactic that is mostly employed by hostile freezer-dwelling cubes. In order to execute "The Stick and Plunge," an Ice Cube will rest patiently in its tray, making sure not to exert any energy that would cause it to lose its dry cold. When the victim reaches for the Ice Cube, the cube sticks adamantly to his/her fingers. Normal human reaction causes the human to become startled, shaking the cube violently for fear that it will forever bond to his/her fingers. That was part one. In part two, the cube plummets to the floor, shattering into tiny hard-to-pick-up pieces that either slide under appliances to form puddles or remain in the open for humans to slip on. -This tactic can also be performed by all cubes, but is usually performed by Crushed Ice, Cubed Cubes, or Crescent Cubes.
How to Avoid: If your cubes reproduce via an ice-maker, keep a non-metal scoop in the "Holding Tray" and transport the cubes with it. If you spawn Cubed Cubes, extract them from their "Cultivation Tray" and place them into a "Holding Tray." Then, transport them with a non-metal scoop. Finally, if your cubes exit your refrigerator from an ice/water dispenser (which means that they are either of the Crushed Ice or Crescent Cube species), there is not much you can do because they have already entered the plunge stage of "The Stick and Plunge." If they dodge the cup, all you can do is try to collect the pieces or wait for them to melt and sop them up.
5) The Sploosh- A hide-and-seek guerilla tactic including two variations. In the first, an unsuspecting customer at a fast-food restaurant attempts to retrieve some ice from the ice dispenser before he fills his cup with liquid. Upon failing, the victim fills the cup up with beverage to about 80 of its total height. He/she then tries once more to retrieve a minute quantity of ice cubes from the dispenser, except that this time, an overload of ice pours into the cup, causing major spillage (down his/her hands, over the counter, and onto the restaurant floor). In the second variation, the victim is sitting at a more classy restaurant, usually with other co-victims. The waiter/waitress kindly attempts to refill one of the victims' glasses when a large amount of Ice Cubes throw themselves into the glass. The resulting "Sploosh" sends liquid flying out of the glass, wetting anything in a 5-inch-plus radius. -The first variation is always executed by Fast-Food Cubes; the second can be accomplished by any number of cubes, but is mainly chosen by the diabolical Cylinder Cubes.
How to Avoid: In general, "The Sploosh" is hard to avoid. The first variation can be avoided by always filling your glass with Ice Cubes before liquid. If the Fast-Food Cubes resist the pull of the ice cube dispenser, bang on the dispenser like a maniac. Remember, this is a fast-food restaurant. If anyone asks what you are doing, simply respond, "It ate my quarter," and the questioner will walk away satisfied or confused. Either way, he/she will walk away. Unfortunately, the only way to avoid the second variation is to politely ask your waiter/waitress to pour from the spout instead of showing off by pouring out the side. Now you are at the waiter/waitress's mercy, and only he/she can prevent "The Sploosh."
6) The Meltdown- A desperate Ice Cube's last ditch effort is "The Meltdown." This technique is self-explanatory. The cube has found it impossible to attack the victim in any other way (because he/she was prepared by reading this manual), so it melts in his/her drink, thereby diluting it and making it taste bad.
How to Avoid: Some old people are already immune to this tactic, but for everyone else, the answer is purely common sense: put it in a cold place (such as a refrigerator) that is NOT a freezer. Freezers allow the cubes to rejuvenate and form mega beverage-tasting cubes. However, as they are not naturally occurring, they were not included as a separate Ice Cube form in this manual.
Now that you are aware of the wiles of Ice Cubes, memorize the counters in order to prepare yourself for any attack. Good bye and good luck!
Thank you for reading 's "ICE CUBES: Frigid Assassins"! All proceeds will be donated to the "Save the Whales; Kill the Cubes Research Organization" of Iceland. Also, be sure to check out other works by this beloved author- just don't look for his works in a "Library." He's too good for those.