Wake up. Come on, there we go, let me have a look at your eyes. Pupils dilated, oh dear. That's not good. These eye drops should help with that a little. Tell me, do you feel like you're cross-eyed at the moment? Buggeration. Must have messed something up in there. Don't worry, it's all very fixable. We'll just have to push you back the other way. But please, try not to scream so loudly this time. You made my ears bleed last time and I'd rather not have to wear those garish ear protectors used by the engineering staff.

Oh, come on, don't you think you're over-reacting a little bit? It can't have hurt that much, I'm very good at this you know. You've been through worse! Children! Complaining about every scratched knee and bumped elbow, really I do wonder sometimes. I was so very proud of my daughter when she fell over and not only didn't cry but brushed off any concern.

Hmm? Oh. Yes. Well, no. I was married, said marriage produced a child, and then I was unfortunately reduced to the much-reviled state of single father.

Certainly not! What kind of man do you take me for? My wife died of complications related to diabetes, a hideously mundane demise for such a woman. But she did lead quite the active life; I'll be honest, I thought she'd be killed by something exotic like ebola when she finally went down.

Oh, good heavens no! Of course I didn't expect us to grow old together. She was engaged in horrendously dangerous work most weeks of the year, sooner or later it was inevitably going to catch up with her. But that is not to say that I do not miss her terribly. Tea and crumpets aren't the same without a bit of crumpet on the side, if you get my meaning.

You're not laughing. Let's rectify that, shall we?