Addiction Part II
He wakes up one morning, the sun filling his eyes. He gets out of bed and looks out of the window, into the cheerful spring atmosphere outside.
'How I wish my life could be like this,' he muses to himself. 'Bright, cheerful. Not a care in the world.'
'It can be', that little voice in his head says, making itself heard for the first time in… ages. 'You can break free and live your life the way you want it to be.'
'I will do this', he says to himself. 'I will break free. I will break free and live my life the way I want to. I won't let these primal desires and urges get the better of me. Not anymore…' You see, his life up to now hasn't been all that great thanks to a few skeletons in his closet. But today is the day that all that will change; today is the day that things will become better.
A long, loud laugh pierces the silence, shaking him to the bone.
'You stupid fool. You think you'll escape? You think you'll be able to run away from the mess you'd made? Nothing can save you. Nothing.' And it disappears, leaving him to deal with the poison of it's sting.
'No. I will do it. I won't falter anymore. I need to get away.' He repeats to himself in a bid to restore his flagging confidence. 'This addiction won't get the better of me. Not anymore.' He is resolved he will win. He is resolved that he will not fail. It won't get the better of him anymore. The darkness and murkiness of the life he leads will be cleaned out today. And finally, he'll be free...
'Don't do it. You know exactly what will happen. You'll cave in and you'll feel disappointed once you're done with it. It won't be what you're looking for.'
'And what, pray tell, am I looking for?'
'Besides, it'll be better this time, won't it?'
'Yes, it will. It'll be everything you've always wanted.' (the slight hiss is lost to my ears, as I rush headlong into my joy)
I take the plunge.
I fall deeper into the hole of my despair.
As soon as I'm finished, I feel disgusted with myself.
The weight of the familiar burden falls upon me like a ton of bricks, crushing me.
My mind rewinds to those fateful seconds, goes back to the point of no return, for the millionth time now. I could have stopped myself. I could have stayed true to myself and not defiled my honour in such a disgraceful manner. But I didn't. I failed. Myself, my God, and all those that matter to me.
I can't do this. These chains tie me too tightly. Every time I try to escape, they get closer to my flesh, cutting into me. I'll never escape, will I?
I promised myself I would stop. I promised myself it'd be different. I promised myself I'd escape from this hell. Yet promises are only words in the air; at best ink on paper. But even that isn't enough to change the world, and in many cases, the sword is indeed mightier than the pen…
'You're a fool. You'll never escape. You're stuck here forever, and you will never leave my cage'
Why do I have to be so blind? I know I'll fail, but I still keep on thinking I can break free.
'…And yet you know it'll never happen', the voice 'finishes' for me.
How she would hate me if only she knew what I was doing. I can picture her look of sadness; her look of disappointment. She'd leave me; I'd be alone.
'You are alone. Don't you see that? Nobody can help you. Nobody will help you. You are completely, totally alone…'
"No, I'm not. I have friends." I say out loud, hoping the sound of my voice .
'And where are these friends of yours right now?' My broken resilience is dashed yet again.
I see the picture playing in my head. Ryan, Jack, Stephanie, Raymond, all sitting together, watching the match on the TV; our usual ritual. I walk into the room and they all turn. See me.
Laugh out loud.
'You see? They don't care. Nobody does.'
The thing is, I feel it too. I feel the disgust every time I fall, but there's nothing to break it. And the thing is I know I will fall tomorrow, and again after that. So what's the point in me trying? There's only so much one can take before they give up, isn't there?
'You are my toy, my prisoner.', the voice lies in my ear, and the chains ensure that his promise is kept.
I'll never be free; I know it now. The cycle continues, and I am