I am sitting in class. My teacher drones on, and I start to drift away. I think back to earlier that day...
He walks into the room. He wears a backwards hat and a simple t-shirt. He walks to his desk and sets his backpack down. Then he walks towards me.
Oh god. He is walking towards me. I love him so much. Why do I like him so much?
Crazy thoughts run through my head. Then I realize he is walking over to hug my friend. Not even a hello. But that doesn't matter.
Why are we so different? Can't you realize I am right here for you? Always here for you. It doesn't matter how many times I am rejected I will still love you.
Class starts. I glance at him occasionally, sometimes see him glancing at me. I wonder what he is thinking. Maybe that I am ugly? Not good enough for him?
I start thinking. I never used to like him .. Why did this suddenly start? He is not even a real close friend. I don't even think we talked till a month or 2 ago.
Then I remember the worst 3 days of my life. We were in another class together. The kid next to me had found a note I wrote about him, Joe. My Joe. Stanley, the kid next to me, tells everyone around me I like Joe. Including Joe. I have never been more embarrassed in my life.
For 3 days after that, Joe didn't talk to me. I eventually started crying at lunch one day.
But, soon my friend, Jez, started making him walk with us to our class. Joe and me talked a little then, but not much.
Lately Joe hasn't been walking with us. Joe has a girlfriend now. Not me, never me. Even crazier thoughts start ... Including death.
I come home from school. I don't have anything to do, I never do. I don't have anyone to talk to on the phone and complain to about my life. I am home alone, my grandma being gone with my aunt. I walk towards the cupboard, to grab some pretzels. I start eating, and I can't stop.
God, I am so disgusting. I drop the pretzel bag, and my dog starts eating them off the floor. I open the knife drawer, trying to decide which one to use.
No, I can't go like this. It's not right. I walk to my parent's room, and open my dad's medicine drawer. I look through the bottles, and finally find one to my satisfaction. I start to cry. I walk downstairs to grab a pop.
No pop, I gave it up, don't want to be fat. I want to look good for Joe tomorrow. My restrictions run though my head, as they regularly do, making me stop in my tracks.
Oh wait, it doesn't matter anymore. I open the pop, savoring the first drink of it. Then I pop the whole bottle into my mouth, almost choking as all the pills are swallowed. I go to lie down, and fall asleep almost instantly.