4The non-Existent God
Last night I dreamt of floating on air with my arms shaped like wings. Feathers covered my chest, my face, my back, my legs, and my thighs. I flew over the skies overhead millions of people. Just when I was about to soar higher, a gunshot flew by my side that echoed through my ear. I spiraled downward. Further and further down. I hit the ground and splattered into pieces. Then, I was awakened.
A bad dream, that's all it was. It's another damn day. Waking up in a stupid, colorless room where only the smell of ass could be absorbed by your system. A nightmare happened the day before. Trauma ate your confidence for today that you pulled your weak legs up from its deep slumber and stood up.
You blamed your foolishness for believing in something non-existent. You hoped for the hopeless. You cling unto the slippery. You held onto the unheld of the fact that your dreams were only a light-year away.
Imagine yourself in a bubble empty of oxygen that kills your lungs but pumps blood in your heart and clears the toxins of your system. Yup, you're right. It's unimaginable. But, I imagined it all. And that's the point. You dreamed of something great. You could never achieve that dream. You couldn't even imagine a nasty bubble. Therefore, your dreams were but an impostor dressed as a dream only to tear down your sanity so you could blame a non-existent being called God.
As you shower, you held your arms around your chest around your chest caught in a melodramatic self-pity of impotence that stabbed the brain and killed tiny neurons. Just look at yourself in the bathroom mirror as you put styling gel on your still wet hair. It's one gross incompetent absurdity of nothingness. Then, you blamed it all on the non-existent God.
You set out for school with a hope of someway the trauma of yesterday would whisk away in a snap. The heavy traffic wouldn't cheer you up. They say that only the blood of the so-called non-existent God would save you. Only him. You pray to him very night, right? But, what did he give you? Only a piece of safety pin and tied you up in a knot. Ha! A God? Damn God?
In your way to your next class, you held back the near trickling down of your tears from your eyes. Clogging them up with tissues of anguish from your bag. But still, it shouted to be flowed. You brisk past faceless, scary, and shameful people whom sinned everyday. Yet, you feel that the non-existent God gave them more than the praying guy-fucking piece of queer shit which is you. You enter the bathroom now with your sore, red eyes. What for? You cried and blamed the non-existent God for giving you so much problems and confusions. Ha! You just proved that the non-existent God was a waste of time.
After your sudden surge of melodrama, you flew to class. Quacks of ducks flying to class could be heard. But, you? A simple tweet was all you could have. Why? It's because your on a mode of trampled eyes shut with glue so as you could pretend to be blind and then produced the gift of your emotions: the tears. Ha! Drama king! Self-pity again! Just last week, you smiled that the non-existent God would give you what you wished for. But, you're simply just implying. And now, you're having a guilt trip to your non-existent God. Last time you did that was on the airport ready for your flight to Death Valley. One more slash and it's done. But no, it's a miracle! You see the light! The light of the non-existent God. Ha! Some crazy fool's epitome of a perfect life.
You're nearing your room. Remember silence for today. You didn't want your buzz of silence to be ruined by the slash of jokes and pinches of insults. You continued to be on the mode of melodrama. What could you do? Pray? Fuck it! Shut up! What a waste of time for the non-existent God!
Remember all the things you prayed for? They were never answered. Remember all your wishes? They were never given. And still you continue to ask that damn God of yours for things. You know why you kept on praying and wishing but he seemed not to hear you? You know why you kept on blaming Him for all the bad luck in your life? You really want to know why? OK, I'd tell you…
It's because he's there listening thinking only about the best for you. It's because you continued to believe even if you thought of his non-existence. It's because you believed that He's waiting there to give you what is due to you…