My Beginning

"I love you."

"I love you too." I said in return. I smiled sincerely at the young boy in front of me and waited patiently for some sort of transformation. I said the words. I had meant it. What the hell were They waiting for?! Make me mortal! Make me human! I waited about a minute, but no change came. I felt no tingling sensation overcome my body. I just sat their dumbly and pondered over what went wrong. The boy had said 'I love you' first. We had even been together for six months. What was the problem? Every damn time it never works!

The boy beamed up at me and took my hands in his own. He gently caressed my face and leaned in for a kiss. So many times have I routinely kissed my 'boyfriends'. So many times have I had to give up my 'virginity'. And so many times have I fallen in love and was heartbroken in return. Every single relationships I was in I was sure I had fallen in love. And every single time I was sure I was heartbroken. I just don't understand. What was it that made me so unlovable? So damn frustrating is what it is!

The boy pulled away and smiled at me again. I smiled back, knowing that saying 'I love you' made him happy. So I sat quietly and listened while he chatted away the night. By the time he had dropped me off, I was in a fowl mood. Of course, the boy was oblivious and just kissed me goodnight before driving off.

I slipped into the house and let out a long awaited breath. It hadn't worked. Again. Two hundred and seventy-four times have I tried but failed miserably at falling in love. It was useless. If falling in love was so difficult why did people try so hard to find it? Obviously there must be some sort of reward when you DO fall in love if people are willing to get hurt so many times before finally falling in love.

But I was alone. No one to discuss my dilemma with, and no one to hold me at the end of the day saying that everything would be okay. My family died decades ago and here I was, moping around in a house not worthy of calling home. Why couldn't I just fall in love like I wanted to? I stripped myself of my clothes and stepped into the shower. The hot water cascaded down my body and engulfed me in an imitation warmth that I welcomed everyday. After cleansing my body, I dried my hair and lay idly in bed. Sleep was foreign to me. Rest was impossible. No longer could I sleep and wake up late only to run out the door and to school. No longer could I come home from a long day of school and rest my eyes before attacking my homework. Now, I spent my nights thinking of how my life would never change and how I would never find the love I needed to be who I was before.

Two hundred and seventy-four times have I gone through the same routine. But what could I change to produce a different result? Would could I possibly change that would actually help me find the love I was looking for? You would think that after all the time I spent thinking about this very enigma I would have found some sort of solution. But the uncertainty that obviously came with love made everything ten times harder. I have studied and researched anything and everything I could about the kinds of love in the world. I experimented every single type of love I could think of. I dated the popular jock. I dated the nerd. I dated the outcast. I dated the rebel. I dated the rich. I dated the older men. I even dated a girl. But I could never find what so many referred to as my 'perfect match'.

I was skinny. I was fat. I was tall. I was short. I was everything that my lovers had wanted. I was everything that could possibly draw them to me. And it still wasn't enough. So tomorrow, I will break up with the young boy I was with tonight and start a new life searching for a new loveā€¦