Hey.

You won't even get this for a long time, so I don't know why I'm writing it..

I miss you so badly it hurts. I can't sleep. I don't eat as much..sometimes I wonder if you had other reasons for what you did, and it bothers me. I don't even want to eat anymore.

I'm sorry I called you and made you sad...you were starting to get over it all, I think, but I had to go and screw it up. I just wanted to hear your voice. We don't talk much anymore. When I hugged you today, it was like..God, I hadn't touched you in forever, and I missed it so fucking bad. Feelings came rushing in faster then I could take them and breathe all at the same time.

You're right, though..we never talked anymore, except when we argued. And I feel like that's my fault. Don't waste your time trying to correct me. You say I can do better, I know, but.. I'm not lying when I say I really don't want anyone else. I can't SEE myself with anyone else.

On the other hand, I guess you're right. We're just a couple of kids. It's the truth that we might not last forever, and it hurts, but I don't want this to end now..however long it takes us to reach the end, I want to be with you. I want to be with you until we can't stand each other so much that we're clawing at each other's throats. Can't we wait until then to break up, instead of now when I KNOW you still love me, and I love you so much I don't even know what to do with myself anymore?

I miss when you'd fall asleep and I was laying beside you just watching you. I'd be torn between waking you up because I knew we had limited time together or just letting you sleep because you look so pretty when you do that. Then you'd open those eyes...I love your brown eyes, you know. Did I ever tell you that? I know you were happy when you woke up to mine looking straight into yours. I know you want us, again. But probably not half as much as I do.

There's things we don't get, though, and things we can't understand about each other.

So the one conclusion I've come to so many times resurfaces:

You and me just aren't meant to be.

The only problem with it is that I really don't want to believe it. I would rather stay in my own little world, and think, 'Hey..maybe we'll get back together.' Even though I'm torturing myself tonight, I'll probably call you again, until we're both hurting so fucking much we'll hate each other and ourselves.

I wish you'd put a gun to my head, baby. Just do it. Maybe we'll be better off that way. Because everytime you call me sweetie, I just fall in love even more. Everytime I see you I wonder if I should say something other than a mumbled greeting, but I don't. It's dumb, every bit of it. And I just...

Well, I miss you so badly, baby. It hurts.