1i need to write- to speak- to sing, to cry, to scream, to laugh, to do something-
i'm so full it hurts
i need an outlet, something, anything, everything to leech it from me
(bleed the poison from the wound of my heart, the pressure from the swelling of my mind)
i contain the entire universe in an instant,
and it is connected
(and beautifully, so beautifully, blinding in its intricate strands),
but how?-
welling up inside me, bleeding out from under my skin, rolling off me in rivulets of-
what?
what is it?
it's meaning, it's life, it's love, it's the answer
it's there and not, just barely at the edges of my mind
fumbling blindly, grasping wildly, lurching tentatively,
sneak up on it from the side or it will be lost forever, forever
but hurry- it might
it gathers mass inside my chest,
more and more with every passing heartbeat,
heavier with every slow breath-
i won't explode, i'll implode, simply fold in on myself infinitely
hurry-
i'll become a black hole, not a supernova
this is the sort of thing that deserves no explosion,
no brilliant radiance,
no fleeting blaze of glory
it might be lost-
you will not be able to look directly at me,
but not for the same reasons;
quiet, unnoticed,
your eyes will slide over me
impossible to see, to touch
(without being ensnared yourself)
i need-
you-
but even as i formulate this,
the meaning slips from my mind-
it's not what i had meant,
it's never what i mean-
why don't-
why can't-
i deflate
the dam has burst-
and what did it?-
(no rain of concrete,
no awe-inspiring force)
an anticlimactic crack,
though now the slow seeping of it all
is too far gone to ever be staunched
thousands of words in this language,
and they're all stupid-
i'm different, changed-
the mark made,
even though i can tell only by tracing the ragged, frictionless edges
of this new negative space inside me
(you can only sense its presence by falling through)
it's useless
it's worthless, futile, impossible
i'd mourn its loss,
the loss of its possibility,
the loss of everything,
but-
did i fall?