I hate it.

I hate you.

I hate how you occupy my thoughts through all parts of the day. I hate how you're so kind and considerate and attractive. I hate how that, even though you're not an average person, you still charm people into wanting to be around you all the time.

Even me.

I was never like this. I never used to be so concerned so much about another person's wellbeing. Not even with anyone in my family. Even a while after you came, I never was so close to you. It was only this year. This year was the year that we got closer. We became really good friends.


I don't even know if I want to stay your friend, or whether I want to be something more. I don't know whether I'm crushing on you, or whether you're just a mild (mild?) obsession. I've never had a crush before. I've never been in love before. But is this what it feels like? Is this what it feels like to care for someone who doesn't feel the same way for you?

Well, not exactly.

I know you care for me too. But I highly doubt it's in the way that I do for you. You're a compassionate person, you would care for me. You notice when I'm down (though it's kind of obvious when I am) and you want to find out why. You keep secrets. You're mysterious. You're dark. You're good-looking. You're angsty. You're a teenager. You're one of my best friends. But I keep pushing you away.

Unintentionally though.

Sometimes I do stupid things. I love to prank you. But sometimes my pranks are bad, and I think that they hurt you. I don't know why though. Is it because you think that they're real? Is it because you feel that I don't trust you? Or are you jealous?

Right. As if.

But we always manage to patch it up. We're good like that. We're a light-hearted duo. We kid, we prank, we play, and we fight. Fight. I love our fights. The physical and verbal ones; they're never serious. We have yet to have one.

A serious fight, I mean.

I'm proud of that. We can always yell whatever's on our mind at each other and not take it to heart. Well, I tell you whatever's on my mind. It's always a comfort talking to you. I can pour out my soul to you, and you won't think any worse of me after it. Our verbal spars? I always lose, hands down.

And our physical fights.

Just to let out anger, my friend.

You may sometimes think its odd why I suddenly pick a fight with you. I could never win. I'm too afraid to break something… though never doubt that I can. Physically, I could never beat you. You're too strong, but hey, I'm agile. And if I do recall, in our last brawl, I won, though you'll never admit it. Fighting and talking with you always left me feeling better.

But that's not all…

You're a teenager too. You have your troubles. And you have confided things in me that I will never forget, nor repeat. But am I your only confidant? Do you confide in… other people as well? No, that's a stupid question. Of course you do. I'm just trying to make myself seem special to you.

Really special.

But when you're sad… it never leaves me happy. When you're sad, I hurt. And I know that it's cheesy, but it's true. I never like leaving you when I know or suspect that you're sad. It tears me apart. My finger always itches to dial your number, just to hear your voice at night. Sometimes I resist. Sometimes I give in. I just don't want to become an obsessive caller. Though I don't know whether you'd mind or not.

I hope not.

And I'll never forget the feeling of when we were curled up together, leaning on each other for support. It's the closest I'll ever get to you again, I think. I never give you hugs. Hell, I never give anyone hugs, unless it's someone's birthday, or they're leaving for somewhere, or whatever.

It's just another way of distancing myself from you.

Unintentionally, again.

Though I can't ruin my non-huggable reputation just for you. People would wonder. They would wonder why I was suddenly giving you hugs and not anyone else. And we can't have them wondering about us, can we…


But it torments me. The weekends are so hard without you. You have your life, and I have mine, but sometimes, I feel that you are my life. But we won't be together forever. We will eventually lose touch with each other, when we graduate, when we get jobs, when we have our own families. That's why I hope that this is only a phase. I want to be released from your cruel bindings.

I want to be free.

I hope that you never read this. Though somewhere within me, I hope that you do.

I hope that you read this, but don't suspect that it's you. 'Cause I don't know what would happen if you found out about me… about what goes on in my mind…

In either case, I hate you. But I want to be around you. I want to talk to you. I want to be your confidant. I want to be your best friend.

Though I know that's never going to happen.

So, I don't really hate you after all…

Because aren't hate and love opposite sides of the same coin?