Dear Mr. Person,

I realise that this letter might freak you out somewhat, considering I'm putting this on your welcome mat and you have no idea who I am. But please take the time to read my letter, for I know if I take this chance you could be The One (unless you're gay- but even so, couldn't you take a chance at heterosexuality once more?).

I am a woman of little stature; literally, I'm four foot ten.

I love walks in the park as long as all animals are at least five miles away at all times (I'm allergic to fur and feathers). Also, it must be a very dry walk as I'm H2O intolerant.

I love all things with chocolate in them, but it must be a chocolate substitute as the chemical sweeteners they put in the cocoa makes my toenails drop off.

I have two pet goldfish (the doctors were relieved to say that I'm not allergic to or have any problems with scales). Their names are Salt and Pepper. I was going to name them Fish and Chips but I named the last two Fish and Chips and my friend Bertie ate them. It was a grievous time for me and I would not like to have the experience repeated.

Judaism interest me greatly even thought I was born a Christian. I recently visited a local synagogue but found that the outward display of hygiene was not to my liking. I now study it at home and frequently read about it to Salt and Pepper. I read them stories from Jewish texts and the other day they went to sleep. I didn't even know they could, seeing as how they haven't got eyelids, but they sleep like logs. They went to sleep on Thursday and haven't woken since.

I really should feed them in a minute but there might not be much point. They haven't eaten very much since they went to sleep. Their food's gone mouldy; I wouldn't like to eat mouldy food.

If you decide to contact me further, leave your letter on the blue swing in your back garden. I will come and collect it when the Sun goes down tomorrow. But please don't look out of your windows for me, as I have acne and a unibrow.

If you wish to leave me flowers for my secretive displays of affection then please do, but I would rather they weren't red, white, yellow, purple or blue as those colours put me off my food.

Thank you very much for reading my letter.

Yours sincerely,

Freddie the Milkman

P.S. That's my codename from now on. I will reveal my name in good time.

P.P.S. Please don't involve the police; last time someone did that I lost an ear for my honesty.