A/N: this is a rant that I wrote for my composition class. It did moderately well...

"I just fried 50 of my brain cells watching commercials!"

Why is it that every time I turn on the TV or radio, I am accosted by an obnoxious little green gecko who speaks with an Australian accent or some tone-deaf singer yodeling about an SUV? Really, what has our society come to, to stoop so low as to anthropomorphize a steak sandwich or an M&M? Why do commercials have to interrupt a show every two to three minutes and then have the audacity to treat us like idiots? Do advertisers really think we're amused by talking food? At times, I find myself wondering whether commercials are an actual form of entertainment, or a slow torture device designed to implode our brains into mindless gray sludge.

Every time I hear a corny tune about Daisy Sour Cream, Mor Furniture, or Kia cars, I feel a incredible urge to vomit. Somehow advertisers whole-heartedly believe that filming overly ecstatic salesmen blathering away about an unfinancable car, an ornate piece of furniture, or a family happily gathering over a delectable dollop of sour cream (that is really white glue), is going to inspire the public to immediately rush out and purchase said item. Of course some morons do, but most intelligent people just change the channel. The next time I go to the car dealership, I'll lick the door handle so no one will buy it. It worked for the guy in the commercial. Gee, I guess I'll go ahead and buy that hideous couch too. I'll save more money than spending it on a nice one. I have just one question though, why is the sour cream I buy runny on top and not as white as the kind in the commercial?

Do you advertisers really think we're that stupid, or are you just lacking in creativity? Do you truly believe we turn on the TV and say "Oh look! I should switch my car insurance to Geico!" because some bald actor with a comb-over screwed up and insulted an "un-extinct" caveman? What does a Neanderthal with a latex nose have to do with saving money on car insurance? Maybe you're deliberately making your commercials as inane and garish as possible so that there's no sufficient way to ignore them without turning off the TV. You just keep plugging away, until we're practically up to our necks in muck. That's what you keep spitting up, praying some idiot will come along and lick it off your shoes. Please give us a break or at least make your commercials mildly interesting. It doesn't take that much work.

You're so incessant about pounding your ads into us that after several re-runs, we all have this glazed look, like we've been hit over the head with a two-by-four and lobotomized with a TV antenna. Why can't they play after the show and actually tell a story, rather than belt out a long unintelligible string of "save this, save that, must buy this, must buy that?" Commercials shouldn't be about "must," they should be about "consider." People don't like to be told what to do. Stop demanding and start suggesting, and for God's sakes, please try (and I mean really try) to add some creative spark. Make it a story: comedic, dramatic, romantic, whatever, but not crass, showy, or manipulative. Chuck the "way too happy for his own good," salesmen, and treat us like smart individuals. We don't need propaganda in the form of a loud-mouthed guy dressed in a cheap suit to understand it.

Take for example the advertisement where young male roommates grovel in front of "the magic fridge" that bestows to them the nirvana of Budweiser beer. Thinking that he has come up with the safest (and most outrageous) way to hide his stash of beer, this guy creates a revolving wall with his fridge attached. Unfortunately for him, a band of post-adolescent college students share the adjacent apartment room. "Look guys, the magic fridge is back with all the beer!" This commercial is (gasp!) actually amusing, because it has a real and humorous story line (needless to say I was shocked, having already decided that commercials atrophied my level of intelligence). Despite its absurdity, it is more palatable than those brassy in-your-face commercials that repeat inane phrases, like "Mor! Get more furniture for less!" every five seconds! Their moronic repetitiveness makes me want to bash in my head with a sledgehammer (after doing the self-lobotomy with the TV antenna).

The best of possible worlds would undoubtedly be on in which commercials did not exist. People don't even listen to commercials anymore. They zone out and wonder when the football game is going to come back on, or leave the room to do something more worthwhile. I know you think that by being as obnoxious as possible, you'll get our attention. The only thing is we're not listening; we're just getting annoyed. Please, let us keep what little remaining brain cells we have left and make an actual "good" commercial, one that doesn't make us feel like our brains have gone through a blender. Please?