The Boozers

By enchanting-magic

WARNING: May contain coarse language, alcohol, and middle-aged men. Read at own risk.

Long ago, in the middle of God-Knows-Where, somewhere in Australia (I think), there was a shitty old pub, The Booze Den. It served nothing but beer, and only one type: Desperate Alkie.

This pub was, as we have said, a shit place to be in. There was no roof and fuck-all tables (people drank their crapass beer standing on a carpet-less floor).

The Booze Den may have been the official name, but the (few) local residents called it by a different name: Show Howard Your Ass Hotel, in honour of the bartender, who had once gone on Today Tonight, and mooned John Howard (who was, for some strange reason, in the studio; no doubt he was proposing to Naomi Robinson).

The mooning, and the resulting riot across the country, had brought international fame and ten years incarceration for the bartender, who went by the name of Cappy McAssface.

McAssface was a right bastard, he charged 15 bucks a pop for a tiny shot glass of Desperate Alkie Beer, he spent half his time shouting random insults at his hands, and he had a rendition of John Howard's ass tattooed on his back.

All this paints a rather shit-ass picture of the Show Howard Your Ass Hotel, so there remains one question: why the fuck would anyone want to go there?

The answer was simple: no jacks.

The coppers didn't dare set foot in The Show Howard Your Ass Hotel, for the simple reason that they were scared shitless of the hotel and its inhabitants.

So, naturally, the place was great for gang meetings. You could go to The Show Howard Your Ass Hotel anytime, day or night, and there'd be at least one gang in there, smoking, swearing, stealing from each other, stealing from themselves, buying assault rifles from Cappy McAssface and drinking.

There was, however, one gang that only showed up once a month. They were known as The Boozers, and all they did was drink themselves stupid.

So now we come to the tale of The Boozers' April visit. It was a dark, humid night. The Show Howard Your Ass Hotel was actually full for a change, since it was "Free Assault Rifle Night".

The Boozers strutted in the pub with only one thing in mind: getting pissed.