Sunsets and Memories

Skies colored blood red, orange, and purple mixing with the blue sea. It was a beautiful sight and reminded me of the part of the world that is ok. I come to sit on this beach when times are rough and nothing feels right… when I feel hopeless and lost, not knowing how to handle things. For as long as I can remember I've been coming to this beach. Just before sunset every night, I'd sneak out of my house and run to the beach. Sitting in the warm sand, knees tucked up and my arms folded around them, feeling the sand run through my toes. Just thinking. A tear escapes my eye and rolls down my cheek. I wipe it away and I'm brought back to recent events. I see Michael and myself walking on the shoreline as I look towards the sea through my tears. Sometimes I would come here with him. It felt great to have him hold me, not saying anything. Just listening to the waves crawl up the shore and watching the sun fall behind the skyline. Enjoying each other's company. That will never happen again I'm afraid…how could this have happened? He was everything to me.

I hug my knees closer to my chest and silently cry. It shouldn't have ended this way…not for him. It was unfair, to him and everyone that loved him. Looking out at the waves I think about the times we had together, how much we cherished every minute. I wanted to marry him, but now that can never happen. More tears start to flow. I don't even bother to wipe them away now. I miss him so much, I wish he would come back…I tried so hard to see him coming towards me right now. To hold me and tell me everything was going to be ok. But I know that wont happen. You can't raise the dead. Yesterday I remember his parents calling me and telling me the bad news…. Michael was in the hospital. A drunk driver had hit him on his way to work. I drove to the hospital as fast as I could…. time seemed to slow and it seemed to take forever to get there. When I finally got there tears dared to escape from my eyes as I asked the receptionist where his room was. Sympathetically she directed me in the right direction. I experienced tunnel vision as I walked down the elongated hallway.

When I walked into this room I thought I would lose it. There were so many wires attached to him… it was a horrible sight. His face looked somewhat peaceful under the influence of sedatives. His parents were there and his mom came towards me with open arms, hugging me and we cried together. We cried for what seemed forever, just us holding on to each other for the one we loved. She told me that he was in critical condition and that there was a chance that he would die. They left and gave me some time alone with him. For a while I just starred at him, tears still flowing steadily. I didn't know if I could stand this…what would I do if he didn't pull through? I went over to him and sat next to his bed holding his hand and stroking it. I whispered my thoughts to him. Telling him that everything was going to be ok and that I loved him. I pleaded with him to come through and stay alive. I told him that he was everything to me and that I wanted to marry him. I got in the bed and lay next to him crying, holding on to him, and telling him not to leave me. I repeated to him that I loved him... over and over again until I fell asleep. His parents came in and woke me up. I wiped dried tears from my cheeks and gave them each a long hug. I told them I was sorry and that everything would be ok.

Then I heard it. The noise I was dreading to hear all night. His heart monitor flat-lined. I became weak and couldn't move as the nurses rushed in to restore his heartbeat. They shocked his chest, again and again. But there was still that long beep of his heart monitor. I don't think I've ever cried that much…. They pronounced him dead and I pleaded and begged with them to keep trying. I couldn't lose him. I just couldn't. I didn't think I could live without him. My knees collapsed and I sat on the floor sobbing into my hands. His mother sat next to me and held me. We cried together again. His father stared at his son's body on the bed with his hand over his mouth. No one could believe it. Michael was an amazing person; no one could believe that someone so good could have his life taken away so quickly. He deserved to live a long and full life.

My tears were still leaking out onto my cheeks. The sun was just about set and soon it would be completely dark except for the lights on the boardwalk. I wanted to sink into the sand and never resurface. This was devastating. I felt so empty inside without him. He was everything I had… but somehow I knew that I would recover. Still feeling him around me, knowing that he was watching over his family and me. There would be many nights and days that I would mourn over his death, and I would never completely get over it. But I will survive.