(As Written by Their Parents)
A/N: I do not admire these historical figures nor do I agree with their beliefs. I read an article in Reader's Digest about a teacher who assigned this to his students and decided to try it myself. These are supposed to be humorous, so don't take them seriously. Suggestions for future installments are welcome.
Dear People of England,
I'm sorry that you despise my daughter. She worked to become queen in order to make brown hair popular. I'm sure you would do the same, so please don't be so hard on her.
Dear Holocaust Survivors,
Please excuse my son's actions. He terminated 11 million lives because he didn't have a father and he hated wearing a yarmulke to religious services. This will not happen again.
Dear People of Colombia and Panama,
I am so sorry that my son planned Panama's Revolution and took away land to build a canal. It's part of a psychological complex that originated in his childhood when the other children would not stop taking his toys away; now he takes their toys away. Please don't punish him too severely.
With All Due Respect,
Lee Harvey Oswald
Dear Kennedy Administration,
I was utterly appalled to hear that my son was accused of assassinating President Kennedy. That is completely false and erroneous. Do not blame an innocent American citizen for something that the Russians probably did. Of course it was the Russians! It's always the Russians!
See you in Heck,
Dear Iraqi Citizens,
If our son is causing problems, we would like to be informed. Next time, tell us if our son is annihilating the country's Kurdish population. We would really appreciate it.
Clueless but Caring,
Mr. and Mrs. Hussein
It's not poor Judas's fault that he betrayed the man whom a majority of the planet believes to be the Messiah. He needed the money! No one ever thinks about what might have made him do it. No, my son is always the heartless antagonist. The next time you have to rob a bank to pay your rent, remember Judas.
Kiss My Behind,
Dear Citizens of the 20th Century,
Where do you get off blaming my son for the fall of the Russian monarchy? Where's your proof? How do you know he was only masquerading as a holy man? How do you know he hypnotized Tsaritsa Alexandra and Tsarevitch Alexei? Where's your evidence? Circumstantial evidence doesn't count! You don't have a case without cold, hard proof!
Bloody Mary Tudor
Dear 16th century England,
I would just like you to know that I stand by my daughter's decision to burn the Protestants. It keeps the Church clean and now everybody has their own useful compost pile.
Catherine of Aragon
(a. k. a. the first Mrs. Tudor)