There and Back Again: A Would-Be Druggie's Tale
or
In Which Our Heroine Joins and is Kicked Out of The Most Important School in the Country...Within Fifteen Minutes of Arriving

by Megan Auffart

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I wrote this short story for a contest on another website. The story could not be longer than 800 words and had to include a number of random concepts into it (including Ponies, Catholic highschools, figure skating, and drugs, amongst others). I also made it a bit silly and random on purpose. I thought, for 800 words, that my story turned out pretty darn good, so I'm posting it here. Review, please:-)
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Arlington Catholic was one of the most prestigious high schools in the country. People from all over the world knew the name of the school, associating it with success and academic achievement. Everyone wanted to go there. Unfortunately, only fifteen new students were accepted annually, despite the thousands of applications.

Bris Milah Smith hadn't expected to get in. Her grades were good, but not perfect. She didn't have too many extracurricular activities, either; just figure skating practice with the school team. In fact, most of her time was spent in her room, staring at the ceiling and wishing she had a different name. Her mother had heard the name while in labor at the hospital, and thought that it sounded pretty. Unfortunately, "Bris Milah" was the Jewish term for ritual circumcision.

There were a lot of Jews in Bris' school district. Instead of playing tag as a child, the other boys would run away from her during recess, clasping their groins protectively as they hurried. The other kids didn't understand why they were doing that until the term was explained. Ever since elementary school, her nickname had been "Snip Snip."

When the letter came, announcing her acceptance to Arlington Catholic, she sighed with relief. Even if she didn't like the classes, Bris reasoned, there still probably wouldn't be too many Jews in a Catholic school. No one would know what her name meant.

Bris decided she would accept.

"Are you sure you want to do this, Sweetheart?" her mom asked as Bris shoved her suitcases into the family car. "A boarding school is a big change, after all. What if you don't like it?"

"I'll be fine, Mom!" Bris said and hopped into the front seat. Her mom sighed and shrugged her shoulders.

"I suppose if you want to do this, I can't stop you. I'm just worried about your safety," her mom said, taking a large swig of whiskey out of her silver flask before starting the engine.

"Ready to go?"

When they arrived at the school, Bris was close to having second thoughts, but her mother, thoroughly drunk, threw her luggage out of the car and pulled away before she could think of an excuse to return home.

"Wow," Bris thought as she looked at the school. The entire high school was located in an ancient Victorian mansion. Vines of ivy climbed up the brick walls, and there were three different towers growing out of the roof of the building. Ornate stained-glass windows were everywhere and the front door of the building was bigger than her entire room, reaching at least twenty feet in height.

"Welcome to Arlington Catholic," a jolly voice greeted her. "You must have done something wonderful in a past life to have been able to get into our institution."

Bris turned around to see an older man with a head of curly red hair approach. He wore a cheap, striped shirt and had a whistle around his neck. Bris guessed he was the coach.

"Hi! I'm Bris Milah Smith. I just got here."

"I can see that," the man said, rolling his eyes. "Here, let me help you with your luggage." He took the two bags out of her hands before she could refuse. "Would you like me to show you to your room?"

"Um, thanks."

"Follow me," he said and kicked the front door with his foot, causing it to burst open.

"OWCH!" someone cried from behind the door. "It hit me in the forehead!"

"Is that you, MacGuiness?" the man shouted.

"Yes, Mr. Pony."

"Kind of stupid to stand behind the door when I'm about to kick it in, isn't it?"

"But I didn't know –" the student started to protest, but Mr. Pony ignored him and marched to a nearby hallway.

"The female dorms are through there."

"Okay," said Bris, feeling besieged. "Thanks."

Mr. Pony looked at her thoughtfully. "You look rather overwhelmed, my dear."

"I'm just really bad at new places," Bris confessed.

Mr. Pony leaned in. "Hey," he whispered softly, forcing Bris to scoot closer to him in order to hear. "Would you like some drugs? You know, to calm the nerves? I have some grass on me."

Bris stared at him. "Um, sure?"

"Ah-HAH!" cried Mr. Pony, pointing at her. "A drug user! We don't allow drug users at this school, young lady!"

"But you're the one who offered!" Bris protested.

"I don't care! You totally fell for it! You're sooooo kicked out."

And that was how Bris was kicked out of Arlington Catholic.

Mr. Pony helped her carry her luggage back outside after she called her mother's cell phone.

"By the way," he mentioned as they waited for her mom, "did you know that you're named after a Jewish circumcision ceremony?"

The End!
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