1,396two (square hats and a crinkled past)
Graduation day I sat in a huge football field with my best friend Nolan to the right of me. The little plastic chairs they had put us all in sunk into the waterlogged ground, while the sun beat down on those ridiculous looking square caps. The Principal was smiling and telling the world just how determined our class was to succeed in the up incoming world. Parents were snapping photos, crying, laughing, screaming their child's name. My family sat somewhere in the middle of all the chaos. David Michael wore his little green dress shirt and 'nice jeans', jumping up and down while occasionally screaming my name. My mom and sisters were the picture of perfection in their matching skirts and impeccable posture.
We had already received our fake diplomas and were lounging beside each other. Nolan was tapping his leg nervously, head bobbing up and down at random faces surrounding us. I was still mad at him. I was actually more angry than I had been before. My pancake makeup that I usually wear to hide evil blemishes was obscuring the ferocious pink my cheeks had turned since I found out my best friend was a country hopping traitor.
"Almost time." Nolan grinned over at me with huge white teeth and oddly thin lips. I nodded. I could put the anger aside for a few moments.
"This is it. Can't you believe it, Maddie?" His grin was growing by the minute. "We're fucking graduating."
"Yep." I stared ahead and the sea of kids I had spent my years with. I was about to leave them for good. Well we were all leaving each other. I suddenly felt that undeniable terror rise from deep within. I should've tried harder to make more friends. They surely weren't all bad. There were those few that I would most likely, love hanging out with, if even for a little while.
"Ladies and Gentleman!" Our Principal's chubby red face grew with smiles. "I give you the graduating class of 2007!" Cheers, hoots, hollers. I stood up with the rest of my class, tossing our hat up in the air and watching in awe at the fluttering mass of navy blue and red. Soon I was being scooped up in a pair of skinny arms, twirled around in a crazy and haphazard circle. Nolan laughed. It was all this gorgeous sort of chaos. Then real life came crashing into me with a force of a thousand tons
"Let's go get a quick bite before I have to leave." Nolan grabbed my hand and pulled me to the outskirts of the crowd. He dropped my clammy extremity and grabbed a nearby hat for myself and him. He tossed it to me and I looked over the tiny item. This is what I had to show for it all. After depositing our gowns in a designated bin, we told our parents a quick description of where we would be going and vacated the bustling emotion-filled football field.
There wasn't a lot of time so we settled for a hotdog stand just a few minutes from school. We took our seats on the benches that we had sat on almost everyday around lunch. The paint was chipped and it was obvious it had once been a strange color yellow. I had mentioned this more than once but Nolan wasn't interested in the history of things. Tonight was no different other than his dazed state. His eyes were bright and there was a goofy grin on his face. He appeared so young when he smiled. I was noticing his lack of emotion more and more lately because of the sudden show of real feelings.
I had failed to make any sort of effort to talk. It was the quietest I had been in a long time. It was weird and there was no better way of describing it.
"So how long are you gonna hate me for this?" Nolan took a large bite of his hotdog.
"I don't hate you."
"Maddie." He warned me with a coaxing tone. "I should've told you...I know I should've...I just didn't want to make it all awkward."
"Mission failed." I stood up and walked off toward a trash-can. I wasn't hungry anymore. I tossed the hotdog said receptacle with every intention of just strolling home. Nolan would have none of it.
"Madeline. Maybe this will be good for you. You can get to know other people, make more friends . . .I don't know." He looked so desperate but for once I wasn't the most considerate one. I didn't care. "You never know. . ." He added lamely at the beginning.
"This isn't the point, Nolan." I rolled my eyes. "You don't get it at all. This isn't about you and me separating for a summer this is about you planning something this huge without even telling me you're leaving. Because believe it or not, I'm really happy for you. This is awesome, this is AMAZING. It's unbelievable but you kept it from me, because in some sick, sad, stupid way you're scared that I'm going to overreact or something."
I was talking so fast that I didn't see the realization dawn on my best friends face. He nodded, sticking his hands deep in his dress pants pockets, smiled softly.
"I guarantee this wouldn't have happened if you would've just been honest with me from the get go. Sure...my feelings might've been hurt but I would've gotten over it. Now I'm just...disappointed in you."I finished.
I knew I was about to cry. My eyes were burning and that familiar fluttering in the neck region was definitely there. It was so sunny and that only worsened whatever I was feeling. Where the hell was the rain the torrents of fierce water and wind? And then came the tears. I had to turn away because I simply did not cry in front of people, not even my beloved best friend.
"Maddie..." Nolan whispered. I wasn't lying when I said we were just friends. It wasn't foreshadowing. Believe it or not I had no romantic feelings for that boy two feet behind me. He was like my brother. I think he knew that's how I felt too. I had told him so many times what he meant to me and he had claimed he felt the same way.
"This is stupid." He stated just loud enough for me to hear. "I didn't mean to hurt you."
"Well you did." I wiped furiously at the tears now streaming down my cheeks. "But whatever I'm gone."
Why was I being so stupid? I couldn't let things end this way. Not when he was going away.
"Maddie listen." I didn't dare turn around. "I just think we need to take it apart for a while. You need to grow up."
"Fuck you." I whipped my body around so fast I could barely catch my balance. "Fuck you Nolan Sinclair."
"Madeline." There was that warning tone again. "We can't be best friends forever. It doesn't work that way. I'm gonna move away eventually and I can't be your crutch. You're just so pitiful sometimes. I felt sorry for you..."
Felt sorry for me. How in the hell had someone in my almost exact position feel sorry for me? It struck hard. Bam, right to heart, ricochet to the stomach and ego. My mouth must've dropped because Nolan's gaze faltered. He had regretted what he said but there was some truth in it. No matter what he would have said after that I wouldn't have heard it. So I decided to be icy.
"Have a nice visit to Europe." I made a move to leave.
"We're gonna be okay though right, Maddie?"
I answered with a shrug and prolonged stare. God it hurt to be talked to this way. I know we couldn't exactly be friends like we were, forever. But I thought it would last at least through the summer. I had been naive. The one person I had let in my bubble was turning out to be just like everyone else in this fucked up world.
"I'll still send you those postcards I promised." He was trying to make things light.
"You don't have to." I frowned.
"I want to."
"No you don't." I hissed. "Just look. We're still friends and who's to say this won't get better later but right now..."
"What?" He asked softly.
"Right now I've never been happier to say goodbye to someone."
"Maddie." He was breathing heavy and stepping toward me. "You're not pitiful. I didn't meant it..."
"Stop it Nolan. Just be safe okay. Don't get hurt, have fun. I'll see you when you get back."
"I'll call you sometime while I'm over there." He stated.
"I'll see you when you get back." I repeated in stern tone.
I was a good four feet away before I heard the padded footsteps of my sneaker-wearing friend. He had rejected the idea of dress shoes and settled on his dirty old school high-tops. I was so sad when he came up that I barely looked up from the ground. I managed it though. At the very last minute I brought my fiery hot gaze to his. He handed me a piece of folded up paper.
"I found it an old box of toys." He shrugged.
"Okay." I had agreed he would get no thank you's from me anytime soon. "Bye."
"I don't want to leave town like this Maddie." He whined.
"Just go." I groaned. "Please stop dragging this shit out. You've made your point. Now you can leave."
"Fine." I had finally succeeded in making him mad. He stomped off in the opposite direction. "But you can't say
that this is my fault, Madeline. You do need to grow up and get out more."
"Yeah whatever."
I clenched the paper in my fist. This was awful. There was no way to explain it other than pure and unbridled bad. My best friend no longer a friend at all. Calling me pitiful, pathetic. He felt sorry for me? When the hell did this happen? This was so out of character, on both our parts. I would cry later. I know I would. I was nearly doing so now.
The sun was setting over a distant hill, leaving the whole city in a warm orange light. That panicky feeling that had been occurring in mild bursts the last few days was effecting my whole body now in one constant fear. I swallowed the syrup-like saliva accumulating in the back of my mouth before taking in a shaky breath. My chest hurt and my heart beats matched my rapidly blinking eyes. I felt like dying. This is what it felt like to have a world ripped away from you. People might think I was being dramatic but it wasn't like that at all. I was scared, more so than I had ever been. I was without friends. I was the loner I had always avoided being.
As my house came into view and my family was visible through the open window I cried. David Michael was dancing around the dinner table, pulling my sisters hair and running away giggling. My mom was laughing about something one of them had said. She really was pretty when she laughed. They all looked so together. I broke down in sobs just outside my front door. I couldn't go inside and face the questions. Instead I slid down the side of my home, cradling my face in my hands and crying like a young child. My body racked with sobs, deep breaths until I couldn't think straight. The paper Nolan had handed me was drenched in mascara colored tears. I tossed the stupid note across the porch and leant down to rest my head on the wooden boards.
The summer heat was enough to make me fall asleep but I refrained. I watched the trees shift in the wind and a young child ride by on his tricycle. My head throbbed from the harsh planks so I pushed my body up. It was night now and there were no more visible factors to distract me from myself. So with that little revelation I stood up tall. Grabbing the ridiculous piece of now ruined cardboard paper from across the way I walked inside. My family was still loud and didn't notice me running up the steps. I would have enough time to shower before anyone saw just how disgusting I was. No one would need know this ridiculous side of me. No one but me of course.
So with one last toss of the note on my bedside table I left to cleanse my dirty face, change my clothes, and begin the greatest pretend of all, being okay. My family might be able to tell but I had decided I would use the old deny method on them.
And it worked.
When I emerged from the upstairs in my pajamas and no one said a word. Everything was as normal as I had hoped it would be. The twins treated me just as cruelly as they usually did. David Michael jumped into my arms and plated a long and wet kiss on my cheek. I spun him around and bounced him up and down until he giggled with delight.
"Mommy got you a cake." He announced proudly. I smiled and pretended to be in the mood for such things.
"Not that you need it." Sarah rolled her eyes. "Really." Anne agreed.
"Shut up!" David screamed as loud as his little voice would carry. "Ugly face." Tongue out.
"Whatever David Michael." Anne rolled perfectly colored eyes at our youngest sibling.
"Just stop please." I mumbled wearily. "Please." I added for affect.
"Fine, whatever." One of them said. I'm not sure because I had already began walking into the kitchen where my
mother was fixing me a slice of graduation cake. It smelled nauseatingly sweet; too sweet for comfort. I smiled and gave my biggest fakest laugh in reply.
"Yum." My eyes widened, as did my chagrin.
"It's vanilla with creme cheese icing. There's also bits of white chocolate in there as well." She placed it before
me and eyed my lack of movement. To make up for the solid ten seconds in which I stared listlessly at the piece of sugar I dug into the cake with full force. I made sure to smile as soon as the icing touched my tongue. It was really delicious but really not good for an already upset stomach.
"How was Nolan doing? He seemed a bit out of color." She stated fixing David a minute piece of cake.
"He's leaving for Europe tonight." I shrugged as if it didn't mean the world had ended.
"You never mentioned it before." She looked concerned as she placed the paper plate before my brother. He
automatically jumped at the chance for sweets and finished it within seconds. He then raced off to the living room to take control of the tv. I sighed.
"Baby, when did Nolan decide to take a trip?" She asked.
"Oh he had it planned for months I'm sure." I took another bite of cake. "He just decided not to tell me until last night."
"Why is that?"
"He said something about not wanting to make things awkward." My brow furrowed. "Who knows."
"You don't sound too pleased." Her left eyebrow shot up in analyzation. "...trouble?"
"No." I answered too quick. "I'm not talking to him about it. He said some things that can't be taken back."
"like. . ."
"Like things I'm not going to repeat simply because it would mean hearing them again."
"Baby I'm so sorry." She tried to ruffle my hair but I was quick to lean away.
"Its okay mom." I smiled at her. I loved her. I really did. "I'm fine. I'm just gonna go to bed. It's been a crazy day that I'm just ready to sleep off."
"Okay baby." She appeared so worried and it made me worried. Did I look that desperate?
"Thanks for the cake. It was good."
And I disappeared up the stairs. Was I going to cry? Probably.
That night it was nearly impossible to fall asleep. I heard the twins slam their door. I listened while David Michael put up his nightly fight before bed. I heard mom threaten him with a belt and finally the whine of a child giving up. I closed my eyes so my mother wouldn't try and talk to me about anything. She suck in just long enough to shut off my light and give one of those motherly kisses on the forehead. She left and I tried my best to quit thinking about stupid things. But it was inevitable. I played the situation over a thousand times in my head. The harsh words, the dazzling realizations, the hiss of my scorn, and lastly the handing over of the note.
I flipped on my lamp and started to dig around the cluttered bedside table. Finding the paper I tore it open and crinkled my forehead. It was a drawing. He had said he'd found it in an old box of toys, it must've been something we'd written long ago. There were three stick figures drawn sloppily along it's wrinkles surface. One girl and two boys. The girl wore a red triangle dress with huge purple bow. She was standing further away from one particular male. His face round and colored in a bright yellow, his hair light brow and big oddly blue eyes. The other boy looked to be jumping in the air. She was holding this boys hand. She took notice of his sharp black hair and startling purple eyes.
Purple eyes.
That friend of mine had purple eyes. My eyes quickly scanned the page. Underneath each person was a scribbled name.
Under the girl, Madeline.
Under the yellow faced boy, NS.
Under the purple haired boy, Sebastian Bear.
I must've stared at the paper for five minutes before waking from my thoughts. It was coming back to me, slow but sure.
"I remember you." I whispered to the crinkled mass of crayon scribble before me.
I was suddenly hit with an overwhelming sense of fatigue. I yawned so large my eyes shrunk to mere slits on my face. I smiled, if only a minute, at the boy on the page. He was a friend of mine once before. And as fake as he was to other people he had been very real to me at a time.
"Nice to remember you, sir." I grinned at the badly portrayed portrait of my dear old friend.
"Sebastian Bear." I whispered. I quickly folded the paper up in its original form and lay it atop the mess on my bedside table. Just before I switched the lamp off I heard a tiny swish of air and my lungs expanded rapidly. It had gone just as quickly as it came and was forgotten the eerie chill in a mere breath of a second. I collapsed on my pillow and sighed deep.
Sleep came easy but ended soon.
Someone or something was getting into bed with me. In that strange place my mind was at, I barely let it register just what was happening. I felt the blankets move, the mattress shift, the firm body mold around mine. I sighed deep. It felt good to be so close to someone. And I was right before when I said this bed would be perfect for two people. I snuggled deeper into the source of warmth, relishing in the fact that this was, in fact, the best dream I had ever had.
"Stop wiggling, love. I am trying to sleep." A thick a deliciously husky voice slid into my ears.
And t hen a few things occurred to me.
1. I was not dreaming.
2. Someone was in bed with me.
3. I did not know who that someone was.
4. I should probably start screaming right away to ensure proper rescue.
Yes another babble:
Ollie May: thankyouu dear. I loved loved loved Drop dead fred..though if my imaginary friend looked like that..acted like that..was anything like that I wouldn't be nearly as pleased as getting a violet eyed...oh well. I'm spilling too much. Please do keep reading and reviewing.
Swimchickslam: hehe. Hope you loved the chapter.
all the things in life: thankyou so much. When people say my work is sarcastic it makes me smile. I'm so sarcastic myself I'm overjoyed it shines through. thank you to the much.
it's raining purple elephants: haha. Thankyou so so much
Okey-dokes: I haven't decided on Mr. Poplar yet. I'm trying to figure out if we really need him or not. Good question stumped me.
Lilybet Edyvean: thanksss !
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cherry eyes: ohh thankyou! Please stick with me..it get interesting fast.
roto-subio: ah i know.. i felt bad for her too and I made her up. That's whats supposed to happen tho..pity her so we can all my jealous of her later on hehe. you'll see why.
Neon-screams: I loved your review. I love reviews. Please keep with em.