Whisper to Me

"The Kiss"

What the hell was I going to do now? My, pretty much, best friend for two years just kissed me. I'm not going to deny it, I have always wanted him to and now that he has, it feels utterly wrong. It was unexpected and now unwanted. He didn't understand when I pulled away and ran off. He thought I wanted it and oh, I did, but it was never supposed to happen. Never! I had told myself countless times that I had to push the thoughts away. I had to desensitize myself to his voice, his smell, his presence. The thoughts had never been a problem until one day they just exploded. I panicked to hold them in. I couldn't breathe a word to anyone, not even my best friend Larisa. Why? Well, she's his ex-girlfriend. He always talked about her and I secretly think he still likes her, maybe loves her. The only place I had to vent was my journal. Here was the entry I wrote when everything was heading toward catastrophe:

I don't understand. Whey now is it annoying to me? Am I putting to much thought into this? I'm right aren't I? I mean-I've always liked him-that's for sure, but why is he bugging me now? I'm always excited to hang out with him just like I would be any other friend, but why am I now thinking of him that way?

Now-it's like my life revolves around him-kind of. We had a five day weekend this week and I hung out with him a lot. It was fun-but man-I shouldn't be thinking anything like that about him. He's practically like my brother. OMG! What's wrong with me? Why must it bug me now, or ever? Why am I thinking about him that way? Sure-it's happened before, but never this bad. We were let out of school early last Thursday. Him, my best friend, and I all hung out, but before that, it was just him and I. He was at his car looking at his phone. I looked over his shoulder at the phone too, but managed to get a whiff of him. Oh boy- I never smell a guy's cologne, but I did that time and he smelled great. Then we went to my friend's house and had fun in the snow-white washing party! I totally went overboard I think, but I couldn't help it-I flirted-a lot. I don't know if he flirted back or was just being friendly/playful. It's like-I want us to be more, but then I freak out at myself. I tell myself-you can't like him like that. Just stop.

Sometimes when I am with him-I do things in order to talk with him-or get him to look at me. I would never do that before-at least not that I noticed… Sometimes I would catch myself and look away, act like I wasn't vying for his attention. I don't know if he's noticed. Oh he probably has-just my luck. I don't think he likes me like that-I know he doesn't like me like that. Why am I even thinking of him like that? Ergh-now I will have to desensitize myself all over again. I will have to refrain from acting so damn eager all the time when he calls or when I am with him. I have to make sure my eyes don't light up as much when he walks into the room.

I have to stop trying to draw him in. That's the last thing he needs. That's one reason he broke up with his last girlfriend-he wants to be free. I wish he would take an interest in me, but oh God-I want him to never notice. I love being friends-he means a lot to me. Then there are those moments when I wish he would just look at me-sigh-look at me with pleading eyes-begging for me to like him. DAMNIT! I've got to stop doing that. It's not going to happen. Why can't I just see and embrace that?

Although, I wish I knew what he was thinking, how he feels. I want to know, but then I don't want to know. If I knew that he doesn't like me like that, how would I react? How would I feel? God-this is going to keep me awake. It is already 3:30am. How much longer will I think all this? I hope it doesn't last. I can't keep feeling that way. Must end! Then I think of how I love it when he leans close to me, whispers to me. ERGH! Stop it!

I keep my cell phone close to me. I always hope that when we get done hanging out he will send me a "goodnight/sleep tight" message or "I had fun today." None come, but I should be glad! Nay-I am glad. I don't want him edging me on. This needs to end, but why do I keep hoping/wishing and writing this?

I will concentrate on ways to push it all away. I don't want to lose him-I can't do something stupid. I wish my friend would read this-I know she knows I've always like him, but I want to make her help me desensitize myself. I don't want her telling or hinting him anything. I don't want to push him away.

I hope he hasn't noticed my helpless pleading-pleading that must never go answered. I have to keep it that way because I know he will. What would I do if he came onto me though? Would I push him away with fear even though I want him to like me like that? Honestly-I would probably freeze-not knowing what to do. Either that or would I go for it and regret it?

He wants to be free! Remember? Yes-I know you do. Honor his wishes-do nothing stupid. Control, control yourself. Desensitize. Focus. You must not like him like that. But what if…? No more buts! Get over yourself.

Me 3/6/07

P.S. How can I not like a guy who calls you just to see how your day was? SHUT UP! DAMNIT!

Well, there's the journal entry. That was a dark day of realization for me, but that was weeks ago. All the thoughts had subsided the day after I wrote that. It was a quick fluke, just like I had hoped it was. Now everything is ruined. I don't think I can face him again. He has called me several times now, but I never answer. I don't know what to say to him. What will he say to me? Oh how I wish I could rewind time. Prevent that moment. Oh, God! Take me back to before that moment. Please. I'd give anything to change that moment. Anything.

Authors note: To all my readers who think the narrator is me, it is not. This is a fictional story. However, parts of the first paragraph are my own real thoughts. In addition, the journal entry is a real entry that I wrote about someone in my life. If you think you know who it is about, congrats, you're probably right. But, don't you even think for a moment that the guy kissed me! He didn't. Lol! It's just part of the story. It's needed to set up the story. Purely fictional. Alrighty, well I hope you enjoyed the first installment! Don't forget to review and stay tuned for more!