6A/N: This will be a collection of various writing styles, including prose and poetry of various forms. The general purpose of it is semi-parables, prayers, and fiction, and also to write something other than poetry (though I might grace this with poetry occasionally). It will be written vignette-style, but they will all be connected in the end. This is also roman a clef, based off my own suffering and pains and joys. This will contain several philosophical truths and deep thinking, as well as a taste of light and darkness and the world between.
Warning: This will contain Christian themes, but I recommend you stay and read it, anyway. I'm always willing to try to understand other points of view, but I ask that you do not flame me.
I
A Prayer
Oh, God, I perish!
I don't know which way is left for me to turn. I've fallen hard to this cold, cold earth, and now I crawl on my belly as a snake. I eat dirt because I am unworthy to eat anything else, being a louse of this earth, and I refuse to eat anything better. I have sinned, and I am low, and rightfully so.
I walk in the depths of darkness, despite my claim that I am still your child, which would make me a child of light, and not of darkness. I cannot deny that I love the light you are constantly bathed in, which, when I am bathed in it, makes me fly to the highest levels of ecstasy; yet now, as I bear the guilt of my sin, it feels so far away, and I in my weakness cannot hope to reach so far up to attain it.
I feel as though the weight of my sin and iniquity is crushing me, as the cross crushed your son, frail with loss of blood and with the mixed blessing of mortality. Yet, I feel ashamed to beg you to help me carry this cross; I have done nothing to deserve such a kindness, but rather, I deserve to taste the sting of your cruelty and wrath. Oh, Lord, I've even begged you to let me die, to not spare me, to let me bear my sin's weight alone, just because I felt unworthy to ask you to help me bear this burden that I know I will be crushed under if I ask not for aid.
Yet, even Jesus had Simon to help him carry the cross to Calvary, and you yourself have said that it is not good that man should be alone.
It is a pointless life if I cannot ask for mercy, ask for forgiveness, beg you for your love, all of which you are so willing to give to me the moment I say, "Yes, Lord, let it be so". I need not even ask with words. You have told me in the past that I was your child, and you have claimed me for your own.
I so completely desire to be your own, though I don't know which way is the way I must take. The lines between black and white sometimes appear to be separated by so thin a golden thread that the world is obscured in something worse than darkness: a blurred shade of gray. Once the world becomes gray, and I can no longer see, the blackness overcomes me again, and again I am left, crawling on the earth, crying to you for my salvation.
But I will wait until the day I die, if that is how long I must wait until you come to deliver me. Until then, I will not cease letting my cries of anguish fill the skies of Heaven, for if I endure, then one day I will be filling those same skies with sounds of singing and laughter.
Oh, Lord, lift me from this dark and shadowed valley, in which I feel I walk alone. May the power of your light cast away all sorrows, and strengthen me to dare to take up my cross again and follow you to the lighted hill of Calvary. Though I am a sinner, and tremble like a shadow in your light, I have no choice but to trust in your mercy and your everlasting love.