16This week, the Japanese parliament will consider severe measures to inhibit the occurrence of fantasy adventures in the country's teenage population.
"It's just getting to be too much," said Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. "It was almost cute at first: the mechas, the spirits, the combat girls in sailor outfits… but its been becoming more of a problem."
From misadventures with magical overtones to becoming a Death God to defending the Earth from alien invasion, more and more students find themselves drafted into a fantasy world, and its not as pretty as most think.
"These adventures cause great amounts of physical and psychological stress in our youth," said Abe. "And what's worse, their grades begin to drop because of the studying time the lose, reflecting poorly on our top-notch education system. And that just won't do."
Kagome Higurashi, a third-year middle school student, spoke disparagingly of her adventures. "I spent months back in feudal Japan trying to find jewel shards with a companion who was half dog-demon. I had to be held back a year because of all the school I've missed. And you know what happened when my series ended? We didn't defeat Naraku, we didn't get the last jewel shard and Inuyasha still hasn't said, 'I love you.' If you excuse me, I need to go abort his child."
Such frustration is common among teenage adventurers. After it's all over, readjusting to the normal world is often difficult. Just ask Taichi Yagami, who entered the Digiworld when he was twelve.
"I'm okay now, but I wasn't always. I kept seeing Devimons everywhere, and my friends began to question why I keep shouting 'Digivolve!' while asleep in class. I also had trouble with the fact that I couldn't use the prefix "digi" every other sentence. I knew I really needed help when I started dreaming about me and Agumon bathing together."
Parents are concerned about the possible psychological effects of these stressful adventures. One case study is Shinji Ikari, who piloted an Evangelion to stop an alien force.
"Don't push me, dammit. Don't push me anymore!" he replied when we asked for an interview.
"We're talking about kids not old enough to understand advanced Game Theory who are fighting demons, monsters and aliens," said Abe.
The decried obstacle to a good education is of particular concern. Many say adventuring students do not have enough time to study. Observe the response of high school student Kyon when asked a question any Asian freshman should know.
"What is the Reimann integral of x-squared?"
"…Who?" said Kyon before his eccentric girlfriend dragged him off to find espers, aliens and time-travelers.
Teachers feel that some adventuring students have problems with priority.
"I could've been doing my math homework last night," said Yugi Mutou, a freshman at Domino High School and noted 'King of Cards'. "Instead, I worked on making my super-special-awesome deck so that I can defend my title and embarrass men much older than me by beating them at a children's card game based on ancient Egyptian monsters. Yay me!"
Other students have made a career choice with their adventures, but such a situation rarely turns out well.
"I can't do this anymore," said Usagi Tsukino, aka Sailor Moon. "For every monster I kill there are five hentai films made about me. Things might be better if I had a costume that actually functioned in battle instead of as a wet dream for creepy old men."
"Oh, Usagi, you just need to relax. Why don't you come here," said Minako Aino, aka Sailor Venus, as she patted the bed she was sitting on.
"You're not helping," Usagi coldly replied.
Problems are worse for Daisuke Niwa, a 14-year-old who transforms into the thief Dark, and is on the international most wanted list.
"Sure, it looks fun at first," said Niwa, who is currently hiding in the mountains of Afghanistan. "This jig might have worked, like, 50 years ago, but thanks to the information age I've got secret agents from at least 10 countries trying to snipe me."
His correspondent, Satoshi Hiwatari, is also young and has a stressful job working with the police.
"I get heart attacks all the time," said Hiwatari. "And what's strange is that they usually end up mutating me into this homicidal blond who calls himself, 'Krad.'"
Another major concern is the romantic relationships that form between beings of other worlds and Japan's students.
"Inuyasha is a big jerk with absolutely no respect towards women," said Kagome, "which is, of course, why I'm attracted to him."
"Well, I don't know, she sleeps in my closet," said 15-year-old Ichigo Kurosaki concerning his Soul Reaper partner. "I guess you can call that a relationship."
"Me and Zatch had a rough start at first," said high-school student Kiyo Takamine about his midget-like pet that shoots lighting (called a 'momodo'). "But our friendship really deepened and we were ready to take it to the next level."
Kyon is said to be too friendly with Haruhi Suzumiya, a girl who is considered by some to be God. "I always have to be careful around her. One fight could end up in the destruction and recreation of the world. I keep track of when she's having her period so that I can skip school."
Such relationships are said to be unnatural and often end badly, according to analysts.
Besides saving students from the dangers of potential adventuring, this legislation will have the added effect of stopping the property damage caused by such recklessness.
"Sectors have to be rebuilt all the time," said Pedro, a Tokyo construction worker. "First some ditzy magical girl breaks into a grocery store and destroys the whole place in a fight with a monster. Then a mecha walks through and accidentally kicks a building. Finally, two hyper-swordsmen time travel from ancient Japan and start battling on top of Tokyo Tower. And it's like, 'I just repaired that national monument last month!' We had to resort to slave labor in order to get all the repairs done. Hey, you're not recording yet, right?"
The solution to these problems is not an easy one. Japan cannot just ban superheroics like the United States did in 1979 since the forms of these adventures are much more diverse and original. The debate rages on. Many seem to be in favor of simply banning any extraterrestrials, spirits, demons, gods, anyone or anything from another world to enter Japan.
"People complain that such a law wouldn't be enforceable," said Abe. "Who cares? Japan's got a strict culture; if we pass a law then, with a little help from the Yakuza, it will enforce itself."
Shinzo Abe has given his strongest assurances that such a measure would radically decrease situations such as these:
"I have a fan-crowd of perverts who always look up my skirt," said Usagi. "And it doesn't help that my child from the future is constantly annoying me. If you excuse me, I have to go abort Mamoru's child so that little 'Chibi-Usa' will cease to exist."