WORLD WAR III
DESERTS OF ARIZONA
Dean: Oh my gosh!
Machine-gun fire and yelling.
Bill: What the heck? I'm not going to lose you, Dean!"
Dean falls over, dead.
Bill: Those sons of biscuits! They're going to pay!
Bill picks up the nuclear cannon.
Bill: Screw you all!
Screams and bodies fill the air.
Bill: HA! HA! HA! HA! HAAA!
A single shot goes through Bill's back.
Bill: What the- crap.
Bill falls over dead.
Dean: Sorry, but spies have to make a living too. Piss-off!
ONE YEAR LATER
Dean: And that's how I became the war hero of World War Three.
A huge round of applause.
Dean goes back stage. Paul (his assistant) is waiting for him.
Paul: Oh! That was great Mr. Dean!
Dean: Oh, shut up. I'm not a very good liar.
Paul: Yes you are sir; you shouldn't say that. You're great!
Dean grabs him by the neck furiously.
Dean: Paul-there-are-no-security-cameras-around-okay? I've-done-it-once-and-I-can-murder-again. Okay?
Paul gives a frightened nod.
Dean shoves him away.
Dean: Get back to work you moron!
Mr. Doodles (Dean's boss) walks in.
Mr. Doodles: You're fired! Get out of my facility now!
Dean: But Mr. Doodles-
Mr. Doodles: First of all, I was watching that the whole time. You've done three freakin' illegal things! You've lied to the public! You've murdered an innocent soldier! He was a jerk, but whatever. You attempted to murder your assistant! What the crap do you think you're doing, gosh-darn it! And second of all, I installed 12 surveillance cameras last week, while you sat in my workroom, and typed that lying speech on my brand-new $4,000 Apple fully loaded laptop! Even if that speech was true, it sucked!
Dean: How dare you insult me! I quit!
Mr. Doodles: I thought I already fired you!
Dean: Oh, shut up!
Dean picks up the chair and spins around in the air. He hits Mr. Doodles, and shoves it out the window. Dean runs out the door.
Paul gets up and looks at Mr. Doodles.
Paul: Are you okay Mr. Doodles?
Paul checks for a heartbeat. There is none.
Paul: Mr. Doodles! You're dead!
Paul falls over crying like a baby. Five seconds later he abruptly stops.
Paul: That craphole is going to pay!
Paul runs and jumps on the subway.
Paul: I know exactly where he's going. We're going to Las Vegas. Whenever he's depressed, he gambles. The best casinos are right…here!
Paul jumps off the speeding train.
Paul: Where the heck am I going to get a weapon? Oh yeah! The WWIII museum! It's right down this road.
Paul walks into museum.
Paul: Ah ha! But where am I going to find the ammo?
Paul lifts ammo out of display case. He then runs inside the casino.
Paul: Okay everybody, this will only take a second! Is Dean Kibby here?!
Seeing his gun, everyone screams. Guards start to run towards him.
Paul runs to the next door casino.
Paul: Let's see. Blond hair, ugly face- ah ha! Dean Kibby! You better freeze your fat ugly butt, hold your hands up, and look over here!
Dean: We can talk about this!
Paul: The time for talking is over! Say goodnight!
Scene fades to black. Everyone starts laughing because the gun didn't work (it was a stationary). Paul is very embarrassed.
Paul: Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Craaaaap! Okay, fine. Sure this gun doesn't work, but I know it's heavy! Ha, Haaa!
Paul hits him once on the side of the head.
Paul: This is for Mr. Doodles!
He hits him on the other side.
Paul: And this is for Bill! Uh oh.
Guards start running towards him. Paul runs outside. There are police cars and tons of police everywhere.
Megaphone: We've got you now! Put your hands in the air!
Paul: In your dreams! See ya!
Paul runs into a blinding white light. A few seconds later the police are dragging him away in handcuffs.
Paul: Oh, yeah! Little policy dolls have to come arrest me with their toy handcuffs!
Officer: Shut up. You're under arrest.
Paul: Your face.
Officer: I'm warning you-
Paul (in a mimicking voice): I'm warning you.
Officer: Shut up!
Paul: Ooh! Mommy! He's scary!
The officer shocks him with his tazor.
Officer: Yeah. That better hurt.
Paul: You piss me off.
The officer clubs him square in the face.
Paul wakes up in prison.
Paul: Revenge accomplished.
Mission Impossible theme starts playing.