MIKE: Hello, and welcome to Fox 5 News at 37 o'clock. I'm Mike...

WANDA: And I'm piss-off, excuse me, Wanda.

MIKE: Okay! Let's move on to the technical news.

WANDA: It is currently 643 degrees Celsius in Chicago, and we have 7,913 inches of rain coming this afternoon.

MIKE: There was a split in Highway 86,453 caused by an earthquake, where 651 cars fell in, and only 892 people died.

WANDA: Can I have a coffee break?

MIKE: Maybe later. Let's move on to the big news.

WANDA: Biggest story today: a tourist in New York murdered a 2 month old ant, apparently with Nike Shox tennis shoes. He escaped from dozens of police though. Mike?

MIKE: The Prime Minister of Malaysia clogged one of his many toilets, but refuses to admit it was his fault.

WANDA: A coffee break now?

MIKE: Whatever.


WANDA (in high-pitched voice): Much better.

MIKE: Did you just inhale helium?!

WANDA: Maybe, maybe not.

MIKE: Today with us we have Professor I. Emduhm.

WANDA: He has made many wonderful achievements in engineering.

MIKE: Such as inventing the plunger-

WANDA: Toilet paper-

MIKE: Toilet-seat cushions-

WANDA: And he has begun to work on a futuristic automatic cleaning toilet.

PROFFESOR: Yes, thank you for the introduction.


PROFFESOR: ...And that's where I got the idea for the plunger.

MIKE (falling asleep): Very interesting.

WANDA: Yes. I'm afraid that's all the time we have.

PROFFESOR: But, I haven't gotten to tell about my new and improved air freshener!

WANDA: Goodbye!

MIKE: Phew! Let's have a word from our sponsors.

COMMERCIAL (for HackNet): Looking for a way to hack the entire internet, but don't know where to start? Our software includes tutorial, and an extremely powerful send able virus. Call toll-free at 1-800-HACKNET.

COMMERCIAL (for SadButt): Are you depressed by a divorce, or some type of a breakup? Our service will bring a beautiful man or woman to kiss your rear end. They'll even pull down your pants for you. Guaranteed instant happiness! Call toll-free at 1-800-SADBUTT.

WANDA: And we're back!

MIKE: Yeah! Wanda figured something out!

WANDA: You little son of a-

MIKE: Sorry, not on live TV.

WANDA: How about a coffee break?

MIKE: Not now gosh-darn it!

WANDA: In Afghanistan, a man dressed up in a red suit and robbed a house entering the chimney. He is in jail now.

MIKE: Do they even celebrate Christmas in Afghanistan?!

WANDA: Maybe, maybe not.

MIKE: You're making all this up!

WANDA: No, it's the news for Earth 2, located in a galaxy similar to the Milky Way.

MIKE: Oh great. This concludes our news presentation for tonight.

WANDA: Goodbye!