Once upon a time in a castle that you will never hear of even if you search the entire internet for it (I might suggest Google to start), a princess lived in total oblivion of how annoying she was. As a princess, she had no friends because she was surrounded by simpering maidservants whom she thought of as idiots placed on the earth to take up space. She was tutored in every subject used to torture students in high school (especially Chemistry). She, thus, assumed that she was the cleverest girl in the entire world. Her name was Princess Philomena Euticia Samuela Theodora of Country You've Never Heard of Because I Made It up Off The Top Of My Head So There. Since that is an awfully long title to type out every time the princess opens her big fat mouth, I shall abbreviate it as Princess P. E. S. T. of No Way in Hell Am I Typing That Again.

Getting on with the actual story… One fine day, just because it's always a fine day when something happens, Princess Pest was walking in the extraordinarily lavish gardens of her father's grandmother's cousin twice removed estate. Suddenly, a rough burlap sack was thrown over her royal pampered head, knocking her crown askew. The barbarians who had thrown the bag over her head obviously didn't know that Princess Pest of Who Bloody Cares had to have silks constantly. Her skin was so sensitive that it chafed on contact with anything rougher than 100 cotton. The burlap sack gave a very large rash.

At the kidnapper's lair…

Princess Pest had eventually passed out (because she broke a nail) and finally woke up in the cave where her kidnappers left all of their loot. They didn't tie her up because she was pretty much harmless, the shortest man in the group, being 6 foot 2, could have taken care of her single-handedly.

"Where…where am I?" Pest asked daintily, as she had been taught.

No one answered.

She cleared her throat. Maybe no one heard her. She would just have to say it slightly louder. "Where am I?" Still no response.

Princess Pest noticed three men sitting playing poker not so far away. She calmly walked over to them, leaned over into the nearest one's ear and said…

WHERE AM I!?

When he regained his consciousness, he turned to look at her. He swore he had never seen anyone blink their eyes as fast as the princess was doing, attempting to look innocent.

"Can I help you?" The man asked.

"Yes, I think you can," said the princess in a soft whisper. "Where am I exactly?"

"You're being kidnapped. You're in our lair. Now go sit over in the corner until we get the ransom for you. Then you can go home." The men continued to play cards.

The princess went over to the corner, sat down, and stared at the wall. For ten hours. You have to have that kind of patience for embroidery, you know.

The ransom never came that day. The princess fell asleep. When she woke up, there was a tray in front of her. She ate the food. Then she stared at the wall again. Lunch and dinner came and went. Still no response to the ransom. This went on for five weeks. Finally, the kidnappers decided to kidnap someone else that would have an actual responder to the ransom.

In the next year, twenty-seven princesses were captured and returned as their ransoms' were paid. Princess Pest still sat there. One day, the kidnappers blindfolded her and brought her to the gate of her castle. Then they left.

The King and Queen of the Random Country That's Not Even on Google welcomed their daughter home.

"So, did you use the technique I taught you," the Queen asked her daughter.

"Yes," Pest replied. "Bullies really get bored when you don't respond."

The End.