9Far away, in a distant filing cabinet…
Dear Sir/ Madame,
First of all, we would like to thank you for considering Multiversal Insurance Ltd. as the source of your personal goods compensation contract. We at Multiversal are always pleased to offer whatever services are necessary to help our customers in cases of cataclysm.
It has come to our attention that you requested a renewal of our policy on the property file codenamed /G:MW/SSP10\m/61-3'E'. Unfortunately, it would appear that said property's worth has been compromised via sub-section 743 clause 6, a.k.a. "an Act of God".
We recently realized that you have been experimenting with unstable chemicals on said property. High levels of carbon-related activity have shown on our random-check monitoring equipment, with alarming abundance. It would appear that a pandemic of epic proportions is spreading throughout said property, and its recent activity has shown that it is spreading to your satellite interests. From close inspection, our independent source has revealed that you have an outbreak of life forms that are rapidly escalating the amount of territory that they have consumed, as they are multiplying at a rate that could only be described as alarming. Thus, naturally to protect your interests, the interests of our other clients, and thus our interests, we sent a specialist team to investigate. Our local source, a character by the name of Lucifer De Ville has reported the following findings.
"The outbreak of vermin is multiplying exponentially. Whilst only a short time ago, a mere 50 years previously, the mid year approximate population was 2,556,517,137… now at the beginning of this century, their numbers have reached 6,528,647,131 as of the property's time Wed Aug 02 18:23:00. Frankly, I find this frightening. These so-called puny bipedal creatures have proven to be extremely adaptive to the point of ingenuity, (if I can call this sort of instantaneous evolution such...). It is quite bemusing really. My former employer has thrown the works at them- whilst they are easily disposed of in large numbers by large quantities of water, fire, wind or via the less subtle shaking of their nests, the damn things keep coming back for more. Some of my colleagues were employed to create numerous biological pesticides, affecting everything from the beings' respiratory systems to their immune systems to their actual cellular makeup. So what do they do? Develop immunities, both natural and artificial. The little pests manipulate their surroundings to create the optimum habitat, without any consideration towards their fellow creatures. They strip resources, both food and mineral from whatever area they settle in at a disturbing pace, and then strip it again when it has had barely enough time to superficially renew itself. So far this year, 6,619,424,317 metric tonnes of energy has been consumed by these wasteful creatures. (Ironically, most of this energy has been consumed by a minority of the population.) Of this energy, 4235470888 metric tonnes have been produced by the use of fossilized carbon deposits, "oil" and "coal". This means that the majority of their energy is coming from non-renewable resources, clearly an unsustainable way of survival.
Add to this the amount that these creatures eat in a year, (3,642,214,048 calories already for this year) and you can no doubt sense my concern for my former employer's property's wellbeing."
We at Multiversal Insurance Ltd. believe these figures are extremely problematic, to say the least and we are certain that it would be in the best interest of all parties for these bizarre beings to be brought under control. There is recent evidence showing that not only have they begun to extend their influence on the parent property, but are even attempting to stretch to the surrounding properties- although fortunately at present this is only in a few small areas in the locality, there is much literature which suggests plans to increase their sway over large parts of the district… and whilst a lot of it is extremely farcical and obviously written in ignorance, there are enough alarming grains of truth in there to make us as insurance brokers very cautious.
It is therefore with great concern that we hear that these beings were in fact introduced upon the property by you, our valued customer. This knowledge came to us, both by careful study of the creatures and was born out when mentioned to your labourers. Apparently, 88 of those beings look to you as a creator, whether this be the case or otherwise, whilst the other 12 either don't believe you exist, or believe that since none of them can prove it or not, that your existence is immaterial. This in itself is thought to be amusing by myself and my colleagues, as in our lighter stages of contemplation of this growing nuisance, we wondered what these creatures would do if they learned the truth, and whether or not it would make their brains explode from a concept beyond the furthest parameters of their comprehension. The fact that so many of them die fighting in the name of what they think you really want them to do only amplifies the irony of the entire situation.
And in fighting these wars, and others, they have developed weaponry that they think can destroy the entirety of the property in question. Whilst this concept is admittedly yet another reason why we believe that a sample of these creatures should be kept purely for entertainment purposes, (even they know that your property survived a number of massive purges, and yet still fresh life forms keep springing into being,) the creatures have got something correct- if they use all of these weapons on each other, then they will helpfully eradicate themselves from existence.
All levity aside though, it would also appear that if they continue to behave in the same way as they have been during the last century or so, even without the primitive armaments, they will put an end to themselves to an end anyway, and without much help from outside forces.
However, since indeed you seem to have created them, (as a cosmic joke or afterthought we are not sure,) any damage to your, the client's property which occurs due to these creatures comes firmly under our aforementioned legislation, sub-section 743 clause 6, a.k.a. "an Act of God".
Thus, we at Multiversal Insurance Ltd. will not be responsible for said damage, and nor will we be amenable to pleas for compensation.
Thank you for using Multiversal Insurance Ltd, as, "We aim to serve our aims, and if yours match up, then lucky you!"
Quark Nebuloid, Intergalactic Customer Services