When I was quite young, I decided that I would never have children. How on earth would I love and care for something I couldn't stand? People always told me that I would change my mind when I was older, but even the birth of my completely adorable half-brother Joey didn't persuade me. In the event that I ever do get pregnant, there is no doubt in my mind that I will get an abortion. Immediately. However, what with self-righteous Christ-Nazis running around trying to dictate what I can and cannot do with my body, I've taken to planning out how on earth I would get rid of an unwanted child, usually with help from Britt and Catherine.

"I'd just flush 'em down the toilet. That's so much easier than putting them in the garbage like so many other people do. Whenever you put a baby in the garbage, you get caught. Plus it starts to smell."

Britt said, "But the toilet would get clogged!"

"Not if you chop the little sucker up first."

At this point Catherine jumped in and said, "Why don't you just throw it in the fireplace?"

…This is all in jest, of course.


Two things Britt are obsessed with: Lord of the Rings and Star Trek. She believes that everyone should know everything about the hobbits and Spock, and she is happy to educate anybody who doesn't.

"You've never read Lord of the Rings? Oh my god! Let me tell you the story. Okay, so Frodo and Sam are running from the Klingons…shit."


All roads lead to Thayer Street. If you're ever bored at night on a weekend, that's the place to go, because you're bound to run into at least five people you know. One night I amazingly pulled together a group consisting of Collin, Mia, Mike K., Andrew, JB, Alex, and undoubtedly some other people I can't exactly remember.

Well, the point is I was hungry.

And Mike had pepperoni pizza.

"I swear, if you eat one more of my pepperonis, I'm going in after it."


"I'm not racist against fat girls!"

- Josue


As I mentioned, I'm a Jew and Julian has ridiculously large boobs.

"I found Jesus! He was stuck in Julian's cleavage the whole time!"


When I did The Tempest, all the seniors in the show were told to write a blurb about themselves that would be put on a poster board outside the theater. Julian, GJ, and I were always sort of a trio, so I wanted to give us a little shout-out on my poster. I was with Amy when she read it.

"'SRA, JRT, AND GJD FOR LIFE'…okay so you're SRA, Julian's JRT, and GJ is GJD…but who's AND?"

That was the day I learned Amy's a little bit slow.


Every school's senior class has a mega-slut. Now what can you do about insufferable whores that everybody loves because they put out? Talk shit about them, of course! I'll never forget this little gem from Jake:

"That girl's got Noah's Ark in her panties."


"You're going to wake up tomorrow with no legs, and my initials are going to be carved into the stumps."

- Charlie


"I'll penis-whip you. In the FACE."

- Jake


If you go through the album of photos I took in Japan, you'll come across a page that is completely full of the same two Japanese boys, taken through the bus window. I do realize how creepy that seems. And somebody always has to comment on it when going through the album in my Japanese class…such as Sam, for example. One day we were having a party in that class, and he decided to stop by even though he stopped taking Japanese this year. During his little visit he decided to take a little look at my album, and soon enough came across the infamous page.

"You're pretty creepy. And a stalker."

"Shut up," I shot back. "I'll stalk you."

"Okay…"

He walked out. I smiled and turned to Talia.

"He thought I was kidding."


"Psst…psst…PSST!"

"WHAT."

"Your boobs are on FIRE!"

Judging from the other incidents in here, I'm sure you can guess who was responsible for this one.


I have a lot of friends in the tiny-ass suburban town of Lee, Massachusetts. Something I've learned is that the people there, like Zack, for example, like to play with words.

"Scooby-Doo ain't no shebitch!"

"My dog is a shebitch."

"YOUR FACE IS A DOGBITCH!"


"I'd make out with other girls if I were you. And I'd video it and send the tapes to my good friend Zack."


My whole Japanese class is like one big family, since there aren't many of us and we've been together so long. Actually, there are only ten of us at this point, because about six or so members of our 'family' decided AP Japanese IV would just not be for them. So now it's just Jake, Miguel, Diana, Monichan (Moni), Chana, Raphael, Sophie, Talia, Steven, and me.

…So like I said, we're one big family…

…And Steven is the annoying-ass cousin who no one likes. Especially Talia.

"Steven looks like a hairy fetus."


"When Steven speaks in Japanese, it sounds like some shit outta Star Trek."

You know, actually, I think I hate Steven more than Talia does.


"JAKE, YOUR PENIS IS DISTRACTING ME."

- Samantha (me)


Mrs. Caron (we call her Mad C) is one of the more interesting teachers that I have. For the third quarter of my senior year in AP English Lit, we concentrated on poetry…which I hate…but that has nothing to do with this story.

After some discussion, we decided that the poem was intended to be sensual. Sexual, in a sense. And then Mad C decided that she would read the poem to us, since she knows how to read poetry, and we would always understand it better after we heard it aloud from her.

"Everyone be quiet, I'm going to read to you very sexually."


There's a German exchange student named David who is thoroughly enjoying learning English.

"SUCK THE COCK! IN THE HOOOUSE!"


Promiscuity comes up a lot in conversation. Once during a discussion with Zack I commented on how much it pisses me off that some ugly-ass chicks get so much male attention just because they put out. Zack replied with this little gem:

"Well, slutty girls can be pretty…but they also have floppy, busted ravioli vaginas 'cause they got ripped out at some point."