What They WANT to Say

"Hello, and welcome to American Airlines flight 345 to … well, only the captain knows where we're going. For your safety, we have some rules. This 747 has two window exits, four door exits, and two seats that will randomly be ejected in the middle of the flight. Please take the time to find the nearest exit. Remember, the nearest exit may be through the window beside you. In case of emergency, flashing lights will guide you along the aisle. Pay no attention to the disco ball. If you are nearest to the door, please open the emergency door. Make sure to knock. If you are incapable of opening the door in any way, please run screaming up the aisle and knock yourself out on the drink cart. When exiting the airplane, please run and jump headfirst onto the slide, sing "I Will Survive" as loud as humanly possible, and pray to censored material that you don't die. In case of a water landing…well, you won't survive anyway, so we don't have to tell you that.

If you haven't ridden in an automobile for over 30 years, here's how to fasten a seat belt. To fasten, stick one end into the other end. Please make sure you don't stick it into the person's next to you. To tighten, pull on the strap until you cut off circulation. To release, pull up the metal tab. Don't push, this is an airplane, not a car, stupid! Please observe that the captain has turned on the seatbelt sign. We know no one else will, but it makes us feel good anyway.

If the cabin depressurizes, an oxygen mask will appear from any one of 10 places. Give it a sharp tug to start the oxygen flow. If it doesn't work, take your neighbor's. Place the mask over your head, and pull the elastic to tighten. Remember to breathe. It might work even if the bag does not inflate. Try not to mess it up. Fasten your own oxygen mask before assisting a child or anyone acting like a child beside you. If you are traveling with more than one child, this is the time to choose which one you love the most.

This is a non-smoking flight. There are smoke alarms in all of the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out.

The light button on the armrest does, guess what? Turns on the light. Unfortunately, it doesn't turn on yours. The Call Flight Attendant button calls the flight attendant.

On your seat you should find a plastic bag with a blanket, a pillow, and some headphones. The blanket and pillow are for sleeping if you can sleep over the noise of the airplane. The headphones are for hurting your ears as they fit improperly but are the only way to listen to the in-flight movie as the headphone jack is modified only to accept our five dollar headphones.

We hope that next time you feel the urge to catapult through the air in a metal tube, remember that no one loves you, or your money, more than American Airlines. Enjoy your flight."