8Those that know already know. Those that don't will never know. I changed some things but the story is ultimately the same.
Pretend
A young girl named Anna sat down at her desk. Her eyes flicked over to a clock that read 1:30 in harsh green numbers. Daniel would still be awake, she mused. She glanced over at her cell phone, charging, as it was every night. Anna let the thought of calling him fade away. She had nothing to say to him.
Sitting there, words came unbidden into her mind, as they always did. Thinking of Daniel always led to reminiscing that one month of utter confusion, especially that one action that started all her emotional turmoil. Daniel had stolen her first kiss from her. When Anna thought back to that day, she knew it was initiated by her, in a way. Anna had the choice of where to sit but she had chosen to lie in Daniel's lap. Anna didn't know whether she regretted that kiss or not. Perhaps she and Daniel would know each other less and not be as good as friends as they were. But their friendship still had that underlying, one-sided love from Anna's part. How different would things be if Daniel had not stolen that kiss? The topic had been one of much pondering for Anna.
All the memories made in that short month were both treasured and loathed. Some were good memories, others surprising, but most were foolish. She hated the mistakes she had made, potentially driving Daniel away. Anna hated thinking back like this, lingering on the mistakes she had made not too long ago. It made her feel insignificant, like a child.
After one month, Daniel had moved his interests to another girl, leaving Anna feeling used and heartbroken. When Daniel had told Anna that he loved another, Lyra, she cried. She accused herself of not being good enough, but of course she didn't tell him that. While Anna conveyed some of her hurt, Daniel remained cold, almost uncaring. She knew she should hate him for the hurt, for the emotional turmoil, but she couldn't. Anna couldn't hate Daniel.
The months following were painful, as to be expected. Fortunately for Anna's sanity and feelings, she didn't see Daniel and Lyra together very often. Yet she knew quite clearly that Daniel loved his girlfriend. It pained her greatly, but she did nothing, as she could do nothing.
When she did see them together, it was like being shot through the heart repeatedly. Every kiss they shared was like a kick to the stomach. But she forced herself to stay with them and act like she didn't mind. Anna severely regretted that decision when she broke down crying scarcely two days later.
Several times Daniel had asked her if she still held feelings for him. Every time he asked, Anna's eyes would slide to the floor and she would say nothing. Anna desperately wished she could lie to Daniel about this but Daniel would know. Daniel would inquire gently, and Anna would give in, whispering that yes, she did still love him. Daniel would ruffle her hair and they would move onto a different topic.
Daniel cared for her, that much was apparent. Anna guessed it was because he truly thought of her like a sister. Anna wished she could think of him only as her brother. It would make it so much easier for her. And perhaps she could handle seeing Daniel and Lyra together. Daniel was happy with her; he loved her. It absolutely killed Anna.
Anna shook her head, clearing her thoughts. She didn't want to think of this. Instead, she opted for grabbing a piece of paper and a pen. Anna always wrote when she felt oppressed by her human emotions. If she put her emotions to words and let them flow through her pen to the paper, they would leave her.
Anna blanked her mind, numbing herself. It took her a great deal of self-control to do this, especially if she was going to write about Daniel and Lyra. Anna let her thoughts consume her. Setting her pen to the paper, she began to write.
Dear Lyra,
I'll just get straight to the point because I wouldn't know how to breach this topic otherwise. I apologize for any offence taken at my rudeness for rushing.
I'm glad you love Daniel, and he you. After such a short time, I hope you understand that I love him too. But rest assured, I'll do nothing to interfere. I linger close to Daniel only because he is an addiction. He is a puzzle I cannot solve; a code I cannot crack. His personality keeps me there, keeps me wondering. I harbor no bitter feelings towards you, despite the fact that I love Daniel. And you have nothing to fear on Daniel's part for I know Daniel only thinks of me as a little sister, and cares for me only as such.
I would not be able to compete with you even if Daniel was interested in us both. I cannot compete with perfection. Perhaps this is my defense mechanism kicking in, raising you up, but I feel it is true.
I wish to be friends with you, if you agree. I'd like to get to know the person Daniel loves so dearly. You might think this strange, strange that I'm extending the hand of friendship towards you, instead of hating your very being. I confess that I cannot hate you. Because Daniel loves you, I cannot bring myself to find a quality in you worth hating. It is a twisted sense of logic.
By default, one is supposed to dislike the person that stole away a potential lover. Yet Daniel was never truly mine. So the logic that this default feeling is shattered by the fact that Daniel wasn't stolen away. I cannot lose what never belonged to me in the beginning.
I suppose I should congratulate you and Daniel. Forgive me for saying this, but, I am jealous of you. I'm jealous that you have someone who loves you that you love in return. The fact that the one you love is Daniel has little impact. You both seem so happy with each other, so in love. I wish you the best of luck.
I hope you will consider my offer of friendship. I can hide my emotions so that you will not know that I continue to harbor feelings for Daniel. I do hope I get to know you better.
Sincerely,
Anna
Anna reread the letter several times, perusing the result of her foolish feelings. Writing hadn't helped her this time. It made her feel worse. Suddenly, a biting hatred filled her, directed not at Lyra or Daniel, but at herself. Inexplicable anger surged through her veins. She picked up the letter and took it to the bathroom. Anna left the room, returning with a packet of matches and a candle. With practiced expertise, she lit the candle.
She stared down at the paper in the sink, reading it once more by candlelight. Angrily, she picked up the paper, tipped the candle slightly so the wax wouldn't burn her, and lit the paper on fire. She placed the candle back down and watched the words be consumed by the fire.
Burning the unsent letter had no result on her. Frowning, she dropped the paper and turned the sink handle. The flames were extinguished immediately. She disposed of the burnt, wet paper. Anna stared at the flame, trying to calm the fire in her veins that could not be put out as easily as burning paper.
After an indefinite amount of time, Anna gave up and blew out the candle. She felt used up, mentally exhausted. She glanced at the clock again. It read 2:20. Sighing, Anna gave in to her unsaid wish and unplugged her phone.
"Please call if awake" she texted to Daniel. Ten minutes later, her phone vibrated.
"Can't call. Preoccupied" She sighed, somewhat expecting this. She tried not to think of what he was doing, and resisted asking him. Lyra's name kept running through her thoughts.
"Ok. nite Daniel" Anna wasn't expecting a reply but two minutes later, her phone vibrated again.
"Sorry. We can talk over text if you are willing." Anna laughed humorlessly, even though Daniel couldn't hear her. She didn't have a text plan and Daniel had a limited number of texts. Besides, what she wanted to say couldn't be conveyed over text messages.
"No its ok… im ok" The answer was simplistic and a lie. But this was text messaging. Daniel couldn't possible know she was lying. She half-heartedly wished Daniel knew it was a lie. Anna plugged her phone back in the charger, knowing the five message conversation was terminated.
Anguish settled in her heart. She wished so much that she could go back in time and hold on to Daniel, to stay with him, to love him. She didn't want to be just his little sister in his eyes. She wanted him to love her like he loved Lyra. She wanted his warm touches, his teasing, his kisses, his scent. Oh Lyra, she thought, you don't know how lucky you are.
Tears came to her eyes. Normally, she would angrily brush them away but not now. Here was in the darkness, alone save for her thoughts. She lay down, letting the tears fall. Silently, Anna cried herself to sleep. Forlornly, the clock read 3:00.
Anna continued hiding and denying her feelings towards Daniel. She pretended everything was fine. There were very few that saw through her façade. At night, she wondered how many more sleepless nights and bouts of crying it would take to stop loving Daniel.
Many, many more.
Until that joyous day she could look upon Daniel without a twinge of sadness, a pang of longing, she would pretend to be fine. She would act; hide behind a mask of false smiles. Pretend. Isn't that what Daniel did? Pretend to love her? Anna's eyes welled up with tears, obscuring her vision. The words on the page bled together.
I'm so tired of pretending. I'm tired of running after someone that will never stop to turn back and wait for me. I'm sick of feeling weak, sick of hiding. It would just have been easier, so much easier, if he didn't kiss me, if he didn't touch me. But he did… and so I have to pretend that everything is fine.
End
How long can you live a lie before you start to believe it yourself?