Rice 2

How To Write A Bestseller: A Complete Guide

Ok, well if you are reading this, you obviously have no idea how to write a book. Poor you. You might have to go for counseling. And secure a financial advisor to help you pay for counseling. ONWARD!

The beginning. As my counselor and the IHA agenda books says, BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND! (They must really want to emphasize it—did you see all those exclamation points?) Well, now that you have that maxim drilled into your head, let us proceed. To begin you must first have an idea. A GOOD IDEA! And no, copying the DA VINCI CODE is so passé it is not funny. So I do not want read ANYTHING that involves a secret Priory or Mary Magdalene or the thrice accursed Knights of Templar.

Now that you have come up with your BRILLIANT and FABULOUS idea, you can now start plotting the novel. NOT WRITING! You must first PLAN! Ok. Well, to start, kill off a character. Death by inhaling water or being pushed off a cliff by a masked midget is always a good start.

After the initial death, there should be some robbery of something. If you are writing a fantasy novel, a ring should be stolen. If you are writing modern chick literature, it should be a boyfriend. Excellent, you are proceeding swimmingly. Theft sets up the climax as perfectly as a chess game.

Now to the important piece: THE CLIMAX! This is soooo incredibly important it could either make or break your chance of ascertaining the first, and coveted, spot on the NY Times Book Review. (Just for background—NYTBR is like the Holy Grail of Book Reviews). Now in a climax, the main character (who preferably should be either nasty and gorgeous, or spastic and endearing), must go about trying to recover the lost property.

The journey to recover stolen property should be comic and heart wrenching. Preferably, someone else should die. Like the main character's best friend. The world should fall apart, and the hero should remain stupidly optimistic.

Now, to have a proper ending, one should end with some clichéd life wisdom. The main character should drown in their sorrow (if it is a fantasy). If the story's genre is chick literature, the main character should evilly steal the boyfriend back.

The end. That's it, you're done. Free to go. BEGONE!