7Pacing around the apartment, that was all he could do. Nothing to do. No one to talk to. No one to comfort him. He tried watching television but everything reminded him of Delilah or Allison. Crossword puzzles, word searches, Sudoku—he tried them all and couldn't finish one of them. His mind kept wandering other places. He couldn't think of the right word or number. Nothing would offer him solace, so all he could do was pace. Pace while he thought about Allison. Pace while he thought about Delilah. Man, he wanted to see her so bad. He needed her comfort. He needed her touch. He needed an escape, something to forget about Allison. It was funny how easily he forgot her when she was there, yet now that she was gone, it was hard to get her out of his head. Well, he couldn't wait to tell Delilah the good news. Now that Allison was out of the picture, perhaps they could try out something...real.
The phone rang and Brendon's grew excited. Perhaps that was Delilah now. Perhaps she was calling to tell him he could come over sooner. No, probably not. He answered the phone, still hopeful.
"Hello?"
"Brendon? Uh, hey, it's Alex."
Alex. Brendon didn't talk to Alex often. Things changed between them because of the incident. Alex didn't trust him any longer, however, he was there to talk to if he needed someone to talk to. However, it was apparent that Brendon was too busy with other things to talk. Although Brendon never specifically told him, Alex was pretty certain that the cheating hadn't ended that one night. He was suspicious of an affair, and he was right.
"Oh. Hey," Brendon said, not really knowing what to say or even what tone of voice he should use with Alex. Their relationship was totally different now. The title "best friends" no longer applied.
"I heard about what happened," Alex said. "Sorry, I guess. Although on the other hand, you had it coming."
Yep, same old Alex, the defender of justice and everything that is good.
"Thanks, and yeah, I know," Brendon said, quietly.
"Do you even feel any remorse?" Alex asked. Alex was always straightforward, up in your face. He never lied to his friends even if it was easier to lie, even if he knew the truth was brutal and would hurt. He just wasn't a liar.
"Yes, I do. I do miss her," Brendon said, coldly. "So did you call me to be rude or is there anything else?"
"Oh yeah because you deserve all my sympathies. She was right to leave you. You know that. And please, you wanted her to leave. Now you can be with your precious Delilah."
Brendon sighed and tried to keep his anger under control. Jeez, he thought. Even Allison wasn't this harsh.
"Now she can finally stop hurting. Move on and find someone who won't lie to her like I did. It's for the best. I do miss her. And I do love her," Brendon said, calmly. "But I guess it wasn't meant to be. It's the best for the both of us. You're right. I can be with Delilah now, which is obviously something that I've wanted. I mean, I was dumb to think I could have both of them. And now she can find someone who is a thousand times better than me—which shouldn't be too hard since I am such a horrible person, yeah I know, I know."
"Well, at least you know you're horrible."
"How do you know about this anyway?"
"Oh, Allison's staying with my sister. They are best friends, you know," Alex said.
"Oh, right," Brendon said. True, Allison had to be staying with someone. "Well, as much as I like to hear you bash me, I could be using my time more productively—" Not that he was doing anything productive before Alex called. "—so unless there's anything else—"
"Is it worth it? Is it really worth it? Is she really that special?"
Brendon paused. Even if he could express how she made him felt in words, this is something that Alex would never be able understand because of his hatred towards the situation, because of his bias. He would offer the best answer he could.
"I really do love her, you know. It isn't just about sex. I really do care about her. When I'm with her, she makes me feel happy. No matter how much my life may suck, she brightens it up. And I guess because of that, it just might be worth it."
"I see," Alex said. Brendon knew that Alex understood him a little more at that moment, not that he would ever be able to admit. Maybe one day he would sympathize just a little. "I still think you made a mistake."
"I don't regret it."
Alex paused. "It's nothing more than sex. That's all your relationship is. Sex. It's not even real. You can't say you haven't thought about because you have. You know that all it amounts to is fucking. Nothing more. You may love her, or think you love her, but have you asked yourself if she loved you? No, because you know that she doesn't."
Brendon felt himself getting angry and grew insecure just hearing those words out in the open.
"I have to go, Alex," He said, quietly. He could see Alex grinning to himself. He could see Alex smug with victory.
"All right," Alex said, nonchalantly. Brendon grew more and more disgusted as he thought about Alex's delight.
"Bye," Brendon muttered and hung up the phone. He stared at it, feeling angry and exposed. "Fuck it."
He was correct when he said that the relationship was based on sex. Brendon couldn't deny that, but he couldn't just accept that it was just sex, because it wasn't. There was something more. Yes, he did often fantasize about the sex part, but just as much, he would think about the way that she made him laugh, the way that he felt when he looked in her eyes, the way she fell asleep in his arms. What he felt for her was real. Initially, it was lust, but after time, it developed into something more. It got easier to betray Allison because he knew what he felt was love and he couldn't help that. Alex had no right to say that she didn't love him. He didn't understand their relationship. He didn't understand the feelings involved. He had no right.
Even so, Brendon felt a sickness creeping in his stomach. He's right, though.
"No! No. That fucker doesn't know a thing."
He became angrier as he thought about Alex's words, about Alex's win. It was something that Brendon worried about from time to time. Alex may have just been right. True, Brendon admitted, she never said it back. No, it's just because she doesn't understand that I'm serious. She doesn't want to become vulnerable by saying it. But I know. I know she feels the same way I feel about her. I know it. He buried his head in his hands out of frustration and tried to convince himself that he was right, not Alex.
It was one month ago, or maybe two, when he was with her, it was hard to differentiate time. That night was different. They waited before fucking. And Brendon couldn't be any happier. He already suspected what his feelings were. He had never felt so good before and all he could do was think about being with her. He felt happy just at the slightest thought. He knew it was love. And that very same day, he wrote those words that would eventually end his relationship with Allison. I love Delilah. A movie on cable and ordering a pizza. He held her close as they watched the movie and made fun of the characters just to hear that laugh, to see that smile. Nothing was more rewarding than knowing that he made her smile. He loved the making out during commercials and the boring parts of the movie, which seemed to be all of them as they became more immersed with their kisses. Did they finish the movie? He couldn't remember. He remembered having the best sex he ever had. They both felt it. The happiness, the extreme pleasure, the perfection. The way she placed his hands on his bare back, it didn't feel as aggressive as before. It was as if her hands belonged their. The look on her face, he had never seen her so happy. And he had never been so happy. It was just perfect, every moment of it. They reached their moments and finished, smiling and giggling. He moved from on top of her to beside her and placed his arms around her, pulling her close. He could smell the scent of the shampoo she used that day and he loved it. The scent was almost like a drug, and he couldn't even remember planning what came out next.
"I love you," He whispered into her ear. Silence. Then she turned her head and looked at him as she giggled.
"Brendon, you don't love me," She said with a grin. "You love this. You love what we do. You love my body, but you don't love me." She laughed and put her head back against him. He was taken aback, that was for sure. What did you expect, Brendon, he thought to himself. Of course she'll have a hard time believing it, look at what your relationship is. You didn't expect her to actually accept it when this is all you have so far. But you know that she feels the same way. You'll just have to show her you love her, that's all, and you'll confirm what you knew all along.
"I do," He said. "I'll prove it one day."
She giggled once again. She rolled over and faced him.
"Come on, let's go again."
"Now?"
"Yeah, why not?" She said, grinning. He grinned back. Yes, he loved her and he knew that she loved him back. He would prove it to her, no matter what. No one had ever made him feel this way before.
Brendon smiled as he thought about that night. Alex was wrong. As he continued to relive the night in his head, the insecurity started to disappear and the confidence was coming back.
"She never wanted to say it because she didn't think I was serious. I mean, I had another girl," Brendon mused aloud. "But now that she's gone, I can finally devote all my feelings to her. And she'll feel comfortable enough to say it. I know she will."
He nodded and reassured himself. She felt the same way. She just had to.
Deep inside, Alex's words stayed with him. His own insecurities still lingered. She doesn't care about how you feel about her. Yet, the thought of her prevented any of his insecurities from resurfacing again.
And he sincerely believed that she loved him too.