66Chapter 1: Off the list
Part 1: Never Compromise Science
"What are you doing?" asked Lin, blowing a bubble, then popping it with her finger.
"I'm putting up posters."
She leaned over my shoulder and glanced at the page. " 'Are your lips magical? Do your kisses make a girl swoon? Think you've got what it takes? Then come down and audition to be Alexandra Blake's next kissing partner.'" She stopped reading to look at me. "Oh. My. God."
"What?" I asked, stapling a poster to the bulletin board.
She opened her mouth, but nothing came out.
"Can you please hand me that box of staples?" I pointed to the box by the table. "I ran out."
"No."
"I did ask nicely."
"I refuse to have anything to do with this. You're crazy, and by participating, I'm like, crazy by association. Aiding and abetting, right?"
"I don't think that is quite how it works," I said, getting the box of staples myself. I straightened the poster that had gone askew and nailed it to the bulletin board.
Lin tilted her head to the side, as if considering. "It's still not straight." She quickly covered her mouth with her hand. "Shoot. I just aided and abetted, didn't I?"
"I think so."
Several seconds passed, her chewing and bubble popping the only sounds in the room. "Soooo." She chewed again. "How do you plan on doing this?"
"Doing what?"
"Finding your kissing partner. Like is it a rigorous audition? What do they have to do?"
"Of course it's rigorous. I have to find the perfect specimen, or else the results will be compromised." I gave her a serious stare. "You should never, under any circumstances, compromise science." We started to move towards the bulletin board on the other side of the school. "First, there would be the physical tests. You know, pushups, sit ups, handstands."
As we passed a garbage can, she quickly spit out her gum without missing a step. "Why?"
"Well, kissing can get very physical. I would want to make sure that he has the stamina required to execute the perfect kiss."
"No, brainiac." She opened up another pack of gum and popped one into her mouth with gusto. "Why handstands?"
"Well, actually that part has nothing to do with the audition. I just really admire people who can do handstands." I stopped at the bulletin board and after taking out my staples, laid my fanny pack on the floor.
"I can do handstands," she declared, before demonstrating. "So," she asked, standing up again. "Do you admire me?"
"Yes."
"That's so sweet," she said, her eyes going wide. "So, what's the next step?"
"The breath holding step."
"Oooo." She leaned in close. "Sounds good. What's the breath holding step?"
"I will time how long they can hold their breaths for. This step not only eliminates smokers, but also weeds out those who do not have the respiratory endurance required to kiss for extended periods of time."
"Brent French smokes."
I whipped out my pad of paper faster than you could say 'Superconducting Quantum Interference Device'. "Really? And how would you say that affected your kissing experience?" I asked, my hands poised to write.
"I don't know really. I was kind of too busy getting kissed senseless to pay attention to that kind of crap, Ex."
I put away the pad of paper, disappointed. "Oh."
"Cheer up, sweet pea. I'll pay attention next time." She patted me on the shoulder. "Here, tell me about the other steps."
"Well the next step is the intelligence step. I would hope that my kissing partner would be capable of satisfying my intellectual needs."
"Oh. Sounds raunchy. Satisfying your needs, huh?" She winked. "Definitely raunchy."
I decided that statement needed no answer and continued my explanation. "This step would be followed by a personality quiz in which I would determine his personality traits and whether or not they would be compatible to mine."
"What else?"
"That's it."
"What about physically?"
"We already covered that."
"No, I mean looks. Like what are you looking for in the looks department?"
"Well, although his physical attributes are not of primary concern, I would hope that he was not too good looking."
Lin gasped, her horror evident. "Oh my God, why?"
"Well, a good looking guy could be distracting and might compromise the integrity of the experiment."
"Ew."
"And he would also have to be 5'8 or shorter."
"Okay, now this I have got to hear. Why 5'8" or shorter?"
"I am 5'2", and based on the research I have accumulated, it seems evident to me that a kiss could only work if there is a limited difference in height between the two parties. That way, the experiment is not-"
"Wait! Let me guess… compromised?"
"Exactly."
"Okay." She blew another bubble. "And you don't think that this plan of yours is the least bit crazy?"
"How so?"
"Nevermind. I'll talk to you later. I'm going to go see if Brent French is up to a little frenching."
"Don't forget to take notes!" I called out, waving a scrap of paper at her.
She tapped her temple. "I'll remember. Believe me, I'll remember."
Part 2: How would you define your perfect kiss?
"He has to just grab you. No mercy, no excuses, no flowers, no Shakespeare." She yanked at the strap of her overalls, sending me an angry look.
I looked up tentatively at Mindy Farmer, then back down at my page. No mercy, no excuses, no flowers, no Shakespeare.
She continued on undeterred, her hands clenching into fists. "I'm sick and tired of these wussies that don't know how to hold a woman. They're all tender about it, don't even get a good grip on you. And you want to know why?" She waited expectantly for a head nod, and I gave it to her eagerly, scared for my life.
"All this crap about sexual harassment and women's rights." She said the words the same way one would have said AIDS or rape.
"Uh…."
"You agree with me, right?"
"Uh…"
She glared. "You agree with me, right?"
I figured I had better agree with her. "Yes. Of course."
She pounded me on the back with her meaty fist. "I like you," she grunted, giving me a grin. "We should hang out. Want to ride on my tractor? It's the new model. Just in. We're the only farm in the whole country that has it."
"I… ah…."
"Then we can milk the cows."
I crossed Mindy Farmer off the list.
Subject 2 does not meet requirements. Eliminate from possible data, and make sure to obtain restraining order. Mindy owns a gun and assures tester (i.e. me) that she knows how to use it.
"Well, I guess he'd have to be sweet, and nice about it. It's my rule." Laura Nicholson blushed furiously and glanced down at the table. "And no hands." I scribbled the last part down dubiously.
No hands.
"No hands?"
"Yes. It's my rule. And um, he can't you know, touch me. Like no contact at all. It's my rule."
No contact.
"And no eyes."
"No eyes?"
"Well, yeah, he, you know, can't look at me. It's my rule. He'd have to keep his eyes closed." She put her hands together on the table, nervously biting her lip. "And no nose interaction."
"Sorry?"
"You know, like, rubbing noses...together. Ew."
That sounded reasonable enough, so I jotted it down. No nose interaction.
"And no lips. It's my rule." She nodded her head firmly.
I crossed Laura Nicholson off the list.
Subject #3 does not meet requirements. Is not aware that to have 'perfect kiss', one must actually kiss… and lips are, well, kind of necessary.
"I don't believe in kissing." Charles Grunt (previous name Clara Biggs) waved her (his) hand in the air with conviction. "I'm a feminist."
"May I question you as to why?"
"It gives men power. Control." She (He) pounded her (his) fist into the air. "Power to the women."
"Ah…right. Okay."
Subject # 4 does not meet requirements… for obvious reasons.
"What for?"
"Pardon me?" I asked, surprised.
"Why do you want to know what my perfect kiss would be like?"
I took a few moments to collect my thoughts. "Well, I'm conducting an experiment actually on the perfect kiss, and am attempting to…crack the kissing code, as it were." I chuckled slightly and waited expectantly for Marlo Rexx to smile back. She didn't.
"Yeah." She glanced at me contemptuously. "I didn't get the joke."
"Oh." We stared at each other for several seconds before I glanced down at my notes again. "Right. Well, please continue."
"Continue what? I never started."
I started to become agitated and tapped my pen against my lip. "There is no need to be difficult."
"I'm not being difficult."
"Yes you are."
"No I'm not."
"Yes you are."
"No I'm not."
I straightened on the chair. "I am above this petty quarreling. I am, after all, a woman of science. These silly childish games do not interest me."
"So… you admit that I was right and you were wrong then?" she asked, smiling in triumph.
"Do not!"
"Do so!"
I stood up abruptly. "This is completely beneath me." I swung my crochet poncho in the air and twirled around. I felt confident in my victory.
"By the way, ponchos went out of style like two years ago!" Fiona called out.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
Subject # 5 does not meet requirements. Atmosphere created by her argumentative personality not conducive to interview. In addition, obviously has no sense of style.
"He'd have to meet my parents first," said Megan Shluicy.
Meet parents.
"And they'd have to like him. A lot." She grinned happily and grabbed my hand. "Oh my God, you should come over and meet my parents. They would absolutely adore you."
"I-ah- thanks."
"Like, no problem." She grinned again and yanked at her braid. "Geez. So annoying."
"Ah…"
"And he'd have to you know, be really good to his mom, because like, have you ever heard that saying where they say that if he treats his mom well, then he'll treat you well. Or something like that?" She brightened suddenly. "You have the most gorgeous hair."
She ran a hand through my brown locks. "And he would have to like use his tongue. A lot."
At my confused look, she rolled her eyes. "For the kiss. Duh? What did you think I was talking about?"
I wrote that down, grateful for some actual feedback. Extensive use of tongue.
"Have you ever thought of like going into modeling?" She ducked her head under the table for a second, before popping back up. "Sorry, there was like a rock in my shoe. So annoying." She seemed to be waiting for something, but I had no idea what. "So have you?"
"Have I what?"
"Thought of going into modeling."
"No," I said, flattered.
"Thank God." She let out another smile. "You'd make a horrible model. My mother says I'd make a great one." She considered something for a second. "Big hands. Definitely big hands."
I looked down at my hands carefully, having never really thought of them as particularly big.
"No, silly. The guy would have to have big hands." She laughed happily. "Has anyone ever told you that you are like impossible to talk to? You obviously have a hard time concentrating on one topic."
I crossed Megan Shluicy off the list.
Subject # 5 does not meet requirements. Difficult (impossible) to obtain data. Recommend subject be tested for Attention Deficit Disorder.
"Are you wearing your cross?" Devlyn Summers demanded, clutching her chain link crucifix with one hand, while eyeing me in disgust.
"Uh…no." I decided not to write that down.
"Good. It would be the utmost form of blasphemy and sacrilege for one so sinful and debase as you to even own one."
"I, well, ah."
"You disgust me."
"Sorry?" I said hesitantly, sliding over on the bench, glancing at the Exit sign in desperation.
"It's too late for sorry. You're going to hell, no detours or stop signs or washroom breaks- straight to hell. For sure."
"I don't think I quite understand."
Her black curls bobbed mightily as she shook her head in disapproval. "Kissing before marriage?" Her head bowed in resignation, as if she held out no hope for me. "It makes me want to vomit." And, the way she was eyeing my red sweater vest, had me believing she meant 'vomit…on you.'
I gulped. "So, does this mean you don't want to participate in my experiment to unlock the kissing code?" The look she gave was not particularly encouraging.
"It means that I'm going to pray for you." She clicked her tongue in disappointment. "No, I won't pray for you. Nothing can save you now. I'll pray for your family, and your friends, and anyone who has had the misfortune of being in your sinful presence."
"Well…okay. And, uh, thanks for your time."
I crossed Devlynn Summers off the list. Twice.
Subject # 6 does not meet requirements.
Kiea Evergreen- Well, basically. Lol. And you were my first reviewer so you get my undying gratitude and my love.
Thanks so much for the reviews. They make my day. I will personally respond to all of them in my next update. Promise
p.s.I actually finished this chapter like a week ago, but it was so sucky I was hoping I could improve on it. Didn't happen, lol. So sorry.