I wrote this during a time when I was contemplating suicide: Sink or Swim. Let your Dark Hearts enjoy.
The edge of the water was 80 yards down. I found that I could only stare at its darkness, mesmerized with the inky black waves that crashed against the pillars beneath me. As I delved into my mind, I watched the water where the boundary between the air and the sea met, which was seemingly invisible. It reminded me of my own similar yet difficult boundary between the beating of a meaningful heart and the raging mind. I knew that tonight a decision would be made between the two, a decision that would involve the depths beneath me or the sand behind. For right now I was no one. Only on the inside did something remotely homely reside flickering with wavering vivacity.
I only felt hate, despair and guilt in my breast. My death would be horrible, or my backward steps garish reminders of my fear. I knew that only death would end my sorrow, my selfish hate, my resentment, and my burning jealousy, but the fear of death held me back. My death carrier was only 80 yards beneath me. Would I jump to peace, or run from freedom? My very bones ached as my two leaders fought inside, pushing and pulling for control.
Wincing, I felt a bitter scream rip from my throat and echo on the water, its sheer power pushing against the dark surface. I let it out only for a moment, releasing all the emotions and the issues. Suddenly, the ravaged wood beneath my feet gave way, and let me fall. Now I had no choice to choose save for one, which time seemed to slow down for as it appeared. Sink or Swim. The question was no longer that of the sand and the water, but of my own strength and person. I watched the splintered wood free fall past me, and shapes formed in its dusty wake.
A scene formed in grit, one from my past it seemed: my mother and I sitting on the very sand I had left. Her words would deaf to me, but I knew what she was saying,
"Little one, though the sun sets from the sky at night, my love will never leave you.
Though I may rage at thee at moments, I will never hate, but forgive thee, and love still. Remember that."
It blew away, and soon as I twisted around to hide my tears in the air, another fashioned from the dirt. This time, I was older, with a friend that I had now lost to the world of fortune, leaving me behind to weep.
" Friend, do not be angry with me. See this as a chance for us both to accomplish our dreams, but not with each other. Though I won't be able to see you every morn, I will dream and think thee every moment of my day…
This too blew away, and I glanced down to the dark water, it only several yards from my bare feet. Looking up again, a final scene appeared, one that I had tried to forget.
"Are you going to leave too? Please...don't leave me. I need you my older one. Please…!" he cried hugging my sleeve.
I saw myself smile down at my younger kin and hug him tightly.
"I'll never leave you Kyrian. Never."
He died a year later. But to this day I had always visited his grave, talking to him… and… bringing his favorite foods…
The tears clouded my eyes, and seconds later, the darkness enveloped me. I gasped, and cringed against the cold.
Kyrian… I thought softly. "Don't leave me... Don't leave me..."
I felt my eyes closing, and my heart beat slowing... down and down, till I could barely retain my consciousness.
But warmness flooded my senses and my eyes fluttered open to a pale light..
As suddenly as I had fallen, my head broke through the surface of the murky sea, and not till then had I appreciated air so much. I gasped, and looked around, alert from the shock. I could see nothing but the coastline, but my body was failing me. I could barely keep my face above the surface. Yet, I had to swim... For them all.
But... could I?