Title: Failed Attempts to Fly

Author: DisasterousLetdown

Genre: Angst

Rating: PG

Summary: Standalone It was just a hopeless fantasy and failed attempts to fly.

Driving home from work I get a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach, which isn't anything new because I have been getting this feeling for over a month, and I only get this feeling when I am on my way home. I am getting sick and tired of feeling this way, but I know what is causing it. Mine and Jared's relationship just seems to be rapidly falling down and I can't seem to do anything about it. We fight constantly; can't seem to get along anymore. Everything was perfect when we first got together, you never saw him without me attached to his side. When I first met him he captured my attention right away and I found myself to be so intrigued by him. You can imagine how uncomfortable that had made me feel because I had never had something like that happen to me before. I found myself infatuated with him and soon all I wanted was to have him notice me. Finally, one day he approached me and started a small conversation, which didn't seem out of the ordinary because he had done this many times before. Today was different though; he had asked me out on a date. That is where it all started though. I can't believe how much things have changed between us. I am still as much in love with him as before, but all the fighting really brings me down and makes me not even want to come home at times. There is only so much one person can take.

Things aren't all bad between us; we do have our good moments. Just the other day we spent the whole day together, we took the day off of work and used the day for just us. It felt so good to be able to spend some quality time with him, which is one thing we are missing at the moment. We are always so busy with work, him being a construction designer takes up a lot of his time, and me being the owner of a restaurant leaves little time for us. I am pretty young to be an owner of a restaurant, but my dad left it to me when he died. It is pretty hard work, but I enjoy what I do and it makes me feel special because this restaurant was my dad's pride and joy. To know he left it to me because he felt he trusted me the most makes me feel all warm inside. But it still leaves me little to no time with Jared and that is the downfall. I love him with my whole being and I get the feeling that he doesn't realize this.

I was glad to leave work behind for one day though and just spend the whole day with Jared. We had breakfast that morning before heading out to the mall and let me tell you... he is the best cook in the world. Then we went to the local paint ball ground and I am proud to say that I won the fight we ended up engaging in. I was laughing the whole time and it was good to see Jared doing the same thing. Then that night we went to this really cozy Italian restaurant here in town for dinner, it was so romantic... it almost felt like it should have been our anniversary or something. We had the best conversation that night as well, the best part about it was not once did we mention anything work related. In fact our conversation wasn't about anything specific, but that is what made it so great. We talked about anything and everything, for once it felt like it did when we first got together. Later that night after dinner we took a walk along the beach and just stared up at the stars with me cuddled up into his arms. He always makes me feel so safe and warm, he is my protector and there is no denying that.

After that night though things went back to how they were before and once again we were fighting like cats and dogs. Sometimes it can be as stupid as who didn't take the trash out that day to the more serious problems. Work is one of the major problems, but both of our hands are tied. It is not like we can just up and quit our jobs. On some nights the fighting has been so bad that I find myself sleeping on the couch. Those nights are the worst because I hate going to bed mad at him, or the other way around. Sometimes I can just walk through the door after work only to find him mad at me for something, which is, I guess, why I am always so nervous to come home after work. He is not entirely to blame though because I start just as many fights as he does, I usually feel stupid for it afterward though. I guess I am the one who usually starts the stupid petty arguments that shouldn't even be an issue. Still, I know there is something wrong, but I am hoping we can work through everything and be able to look back on this and laugh. Breaking up with him is the last thing I want and I hope he feels the same, though I always have that fear that he is going to leave me. I guess I am partly afraid to come home one night to find him not there; another reason for my nerves.

He is my heart and whole world, I can't live without him. I would give up everything for him if it was what I needed to do to keep him with me. No one on this earth means as much to me as he does; no one even comes close. I know that without him I wouldn't survive. I have never fallen for anyone as hard as I have for him, he is the reason I am alive. He gives my life meaning and even the thought of him not being by my side tears my heart apart. I don't even want to comprehend that there is a chance I will have to live without him. I am frightened to go on without him, everything about him astounds me. He has taken my spirit and marked it as his own, he owns me and I am not ashamed to admit it. I want to keep him happy and make sure he never feels an ounce of sorrow again. I am failing at that though; I know all the fights hurt him deeply... even if he tries to hide that fact from me. I can see right through him and his eyes tell me all I need to know. He seems to have had a lot on his mind lately though and it bothers me that he won't let me in. I wish he would share what he is feeling and thinking with me, but it is clear to me that he has no intentions of doing so. At least not right now.

He doesn't know this, but he is the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with. No one makes me happier and no one could ever. He is the one for me and I want to marry him one day. I just hope we can get past all this fighting. I probably shouldn't worry so much though, because every couple fights; it doesn't always mean they're going to break up. This is just a rough spot in the road that we will eventually get past, and I am sure we can get past it. Our love is strong and we can pull through anything together. We have fought in the past and have always been able to pull through, how is this time any different? I think it is just all the time we spend apart, we need to make more time for one another. I am sure this isn't as serious as my mind is trying to make me believe. He just needs to know that I love him with all my heart and am willing to do anything I can to get us past this rough time. I kind of hope he already knows this though. I mean, we have been together for five years, and if he doesn't know I love him and would do anything for him then I believe we have a problem!

I can still remember our first date as if it was yesterday. I had rushed around my room trying to find something to wear; everything I picked out I wasn't satisfied with. Nothing seemed to look good on me, or I just didn't think he would like it. I was so nervous that I was shaking. I wanted so badly to impress him. I have always been self conscious, but that night it was at an all time high. Even the outfit I decided to wear in the end didn't please me, but by then I realized that nothing I picked out would be good enough. Even my hair wouldn't cooperate with me. I tried to spike it up just perfectly, but the spikes ended up going in all directions and I couldn't get them to stand straight up. I was so frustrated that I felt like crying. Instead of being a wimp though, I just sucked it up and repeatedly told myself that I looked fine.

After waiting around anxiously, he finally showed up at my house looking amazing as ever, but when doesn't he? That night we went to the carnival in town and rode every ride imaginable. I was afraid to ride the zipper because I am a little afraid of heights and being upside down, but he eventually talked me into riding it with him and I have to say that is one of my favorite rides now. He even played a game where you throw darts, and he won me a stuffed Tweety bird. I still have that stuffed animal too; keep it close to me at all times. We stayed out all night just talking and laughing. We had gone to the beach and lied down on the hood of his car just staring up at the stars. We had watched the sunrise and then we went to Denny's for breakfast before he eventually took me home. That is one moment in time that will always stay with me, neither of us had wanted to say goodbye. If possible we would have gladly let that night last forever. Like they say though, all good things have to come to an end. I just hope that saying doesn't go for everything in life, specifically mine and Jared's relationship.

I just don't know what to expect from our relationship anymore, one minute everything is going smoothly and then the next we are arguing intensely. I love him to death and with all this fighting... I am afraid to lose him. Just yesterday I had walked into the house after work and he was sitting on the couch in the living room. When I walked into the room he just looked up at me with a glare on his face and wouldn't speak to me. I kept asking him what was wrong, but he wouldn't answer me. He just stood up and walked wordlessly past me. When I heard the bedroom door slam upstairs I knew I was going to be sleeping on the couch. I didn't find out 'til this morning what he was so angry with me about, and I have to say that I deserve his anger. If he did what I did I would be angry too. I had promised him that I would get off work on time and we could go out for dinner just the two of us, but had ended up coming home an hour late. Lately I have been putting in a lot of over time at work and he was angry with me because I own the restaurant and shouldn't have to be taking so much over time. We are redoing the inside and that is why I have had to be there longer than usual, but he still has every right to be mad at me. I really should have come home when I said I was going to, I can't express how much I regret doing that to him. To be honest I had forgot all about going out to dinner with him and that was why I was so confused when I realized he was mad at me... I am a terrible boyfriend!

When I reach the house I park my car in the garage and shut off the engine. I sit in the driver's seat motionless and let out a sigh. I know I am stalling, but I really don't want to go in there if all we are going to do is fight. I am getting tired of all the fighting; it seems like an endless cycle now. I don't want to, but I know that I have to go in the house. I can't just stay in the car forever. Reluctantly, I open the door and step out of the car. Quietly I shut the door and make my way into the house. Not seeing Jared anywhere in the kitchen, I take a cold soda out of the fridge and then slowly make my way into the living room where I see him sitting on the couch staring blankly at the television that isn't even on. Already I can tell that this isn't good and we are probably going to get into a fight. With some hesitation I make my way farther into the room and stand by the couch. Jared finally looks up at me, but his face shows how tired he is, as well as sorrow. Instinctively I sit down beside him and put my hand over his, but he just pulls away.

"Dean we need to talk." He says softly, not even looking at me.

Those are the words that send shivers down my spine and cause my heart to race. I never wanted to hear those words come out of his mouth because I know nothing good can come from them. I try not to let myself overreact or panic, but that is exactly what I find myself doing. Not on the outside though, on the outside I am calm and am sitting like a statue. On the inside though, a storm rages on. I am waiting for him to continue talking, but the wait is tearing me apart inside. I wish he wouldn't drag this on like he is. Something is very wrong and I would just like to get it over with. Whatever it is we will deal with, we can do it together.

"Please, Jared, just tell me what's wrong." I plead when I can no longer handle the suspense.

"You know what is wrong Dean." He says with a glare on his face that causes me to flinch. "Everything about us is wrong!"

"That's not true; we are just going through a tough time. We can get passed this though; anyone in love can handle hard times."

"That's just it Dean, we can't make it through this. That much is obvious." He says with a sigh and stands up.

"Where are you going?" I ask as I stand up as well.

"This is it Dean, I'm leaving."

"But you can't leave! I know we are going through a rough time, but we can get passed it. We just have to remain strong and deal with whatever is dealt to us." I panic.

"I can't handle this anymore, there's no more fight left in me." He says sorrowfully.

"But you can't just leave me! You know you don't want to leave."

"I'm sorry Dean, but I am leaving and you have no say in it." He says as he grabs his suitcase that is beside the couch.

I run after him as he makes his way to the door. I just can't believe this is happening, how can he just up and leave me this way? Sure things aren't perfect at the moment, but every couple goes through tough times. If anything it makes their relationship stronger in the end. I never once thought he would want to leave me, not truly. We love each other; breaking up wasn't even thought of. This all just seems like a nightmare that I can't wake up from.

"Please Jared, you can't leave. I can't live without you!" I cry as tears stream down my face, making it hard for me to see.

He turns around once he reaches the door and looks at me sadly. He sits his suitcase down on the floor and walks toward me. He slowly reaches his hand out and wipes away my tears. I close my eyes and unconsciously lean my head into the comfort of his hand. When I open my eyes he is looking at me through teary eyes with a sad smile on his face.

"We had some amazing times Dean, and I don't regret anything. You have made me so happy and you really do mean the world to me, but I can't handle this anymore. All the fighting, and the pain, is getting old. You will always hold a place in my heart, but our time is up. There is nothing left for us, I'm sorry. I will always remember the times we shared, but that is all they are going to be; memories. I have to leave Dean, I hope you understand." He says sadly before pulling his hand away from my face.

"But you know you don't want to leave, we can make this work. Our love is strong enough to pull us through. You know this is true, you know you love me." I cry out as my tears start to choke me.

I watch as he sadly shakes his head and looks into my eyes. "I'm not in love with you anymore Dean."

At those words I feel like my world has crashed down all around me and the walls are closing in on me. The pain that comes with those words is unbearable and I feel like I am being strangled. I fall to the floor and tears devour me. My heart is bleeding and my soul is hollow. I feel so lost inside and am being swallowed by unwanted pain. I don't want to comprehend the seriousness of the situation, but there is no way I can't. Feeling numb would be better than this pain in my heart. Everything has fallen apart and I was powerless to stop it. I realize now that I was holding onto tarnished hope all this time.

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you." He whispers. "I'm sorry."

"So this is really it?" I ask pathetically.

He nods his head slowly and stares down at my pathetic form sympathetically. "We really tried all we could, but in the end it wasn't enough. It just wasn't meant to be. I'll be back for the rest of my things tomorrow. It would probably be best if you weren't here. Don't cause anymore pain to yourself than what has already been caused."

I look up at him through tear filled eyes as he turns and grabs his suit case. He takes one more morose look at me before exiting the house and shutting the door softly behind him. When I hear his car start and drive out of the garage I let out a sob and lean myself against the wall. Pulling my knees tightly against my chest, almost as if my security, I cry into my arms. I feel like my heart has shattered in my chest and that I am dying slowly. I could only wish for death though. I am feeling unimaginable pain right now and I can't seem to figure out how to push it all away. Jared was everything to me. How am I supposed to live without him? How can he walk away from everything we have?

"There is nothing left." I whisper to myself as the truth dawns on me. "We were trying to hold onto something that wasn't there anymore."

This new found revelation doesn't help at all. If anything, it makes me cry even more. I have been so blinded by tarnished hope that I didn't realize what was right before my eyes. Jared realized it though and took matters into his own hands. I love him just as much as the day we met, but one sided love never works. Love for me left Jared sometime ago and all this time he was trying to hold onto it; trying to fall in love with me again. Even though I know the truth now, I am still crushed. I don't know how to live without him; to me he is my soul mate. I wanted to marry him one day and now I know I will never have the chance. I guess sometimes things just don't work out the way you want or plan them to. I still wish we could've figured out a way to relight the flame in our love life though, but I know that what we had has disappeared. I have to find a way to move on, but I am afraid I won't be able to do that. I love him so much and without him by my side my life is meaningless.

I wish he would just walk back through that door and tell me that he made a mistake, but I know that is a hopeless fantasy. He has left me for good and I don't know what to say to that. I feel so empty inside, and nothing means anything to me anymore. My only light has gone and left me in darkness. That is the perfect word for it too, my heart is slowly being swallowed by darkness and soon it will be completely devoured.

It was just a hopeless fantasy

And failed attempts to fly

Nothing matters now

We let our love die

With grasping hands

We tried to hold on

But didn't realize

It was already gone

.The End.