For Those Wishing To Travel In Africa
April 2, 1903
Recently I was attending a party hosted by the renowned traveler and explorer Sir Andrew McAllen, Lord of Flurrey, and I happened to enter his sitting-room at the moment he began telling of his recent safari in Africa.
I have presented the text of his narrative here, unedited and uninterrupted. Although it is quite short, I trust any future travelers to Africa will find it of extreme benefit and interest.
"Yes. Here I was on safari in darkest Africa, (actually it wasn't very dark - quite bright really - the sun, you see) and I thought to myself: 'Andy, old boy, you ought to try your hand at a bit of big game hunting.' And I thought to myself: 'Yes, that sounds like a splendid idea.'
"So I set off with my rifle in search of a lion, because I believed a lion to be a very worthy prey, on account of the fact that if you do not kill them with the first shot, they are inclined to pin you to the ground and chew out your eyes and leave you for the jackals (although we now know this to be a fiction I recently thought up, at the time I believed it true).
"After half a week I came upon a figure off in the distance, and I thought to myself: 'Well, old boy, there's your lion.' But as I moved closer I saw it wasn't a lion, but a wildebeest. My confusion is understandable you see, because although they are very different animals, lions and wildebeest appear to look remarkably similar (though in fact there is no similarity whatsoever). I thought to myself: 'Andy, old boy, there's not much chance of finding a lion. You had better take the wildebeest.' So I did, mainly because it had a set of horns I could mount on the front of my automobile, although my automobile is rather small, and the horns rather large, so they appeared quite ungainly. Instead I gave them to a pretty young thing who said something about being a vegetarian and told me I was a horrible, monstrous, beast of a man. I told her she was a silly little twit and I thought she was a bit touched, and that was the end of it."