A/N: This is it. This is the night I had to except the inevitable with a friend in whom kept his promise 5 years ago when he told me he will always be there. Even if it kills him because he can't be with me. I'm a lucky girl to have some one so caring in my life.
We were sitting on my cement door steps, just staring at the gray sky in complete and utter amazement. It was getting late and we were still damp from the water balloons, but we didn't care. It was beautiful in a fucked up sort of way.
I threw my arms above my head and laid down against the chilly bumps against my bare back. It made me shiver up my spine -or maybe it was the serene feeling I wasn't exactly accustomed to feeling for the past couple of days. He looked at me threw his long wet hair sticking against his face and laid his head next to me. He is so much larger then me. Sure I'm only 5'2", but a 6'7" guys is going to seem huge to any normal human being. It made me feel safe.
I felt a raindrop fall against the tip of my nose and it made me squint. He giggled and looked back up at the sky.
"You know, Erica - I will hold your hand through a tornado but I can't move you out of the way if you refuse to budge." He just kept staring up.
I nodded and gulped, "I can't help how I feel. I love him -even if he is slowly descending into my filling cabinet in the same file as the paraplegic liar." I let out an involuntary sigh of confusion.
"When I lost my dad I never really took it to heart. My mom just told me 'Your father passed away today' and I told her it wasn't funny. I thought she was joking out of spite for him. I stormed to my room and never really left. Even the Lee you see here isn't fully with it. I don't want you to do that to yourself. Sometimes I wake up and think I am still 14 and going to walk out of my room into our old apartment and see dad sitting there at the kitchen table with his hair pulled back into a pony tale reading the paper. Then I realize -that's never going to happen again. Now I have to worry about bills and-"
"-what you are going to sacrifice this week to eat?" I cut him off.
It started pouring rain. We didn't care -it felt good. It quenched our thirsty souls for some type of feeling of being touched, even if it was only by droplets of polluted water.
"When he asks for you back -which he will -are you going to say yes?" I knew it was coming.
"I can't say for sure. When something like that happens no matter how much you prepare yourself for it you can't always know what's going to happen. Preparing for it now would be like preparing for Armageddon. In a way I have lost my want to be with him -but I don't want to lose, well lost, what he had. I feel the entire last year was in vein. He promised me the impossible and I was a fool to believe it. I even knew I was at the time, but I guess that's what love does to you."
"Well. What would you do if he asked right now? Wouldn't saying yes be like walking straight into traffic? I mean, the cars are beeping at you but have too much momentum to even have use for the breaks...and you just...keep walking."
"I think I would say no. I don't want hurt again, Lee. I want it to go away -this horrible feeling of acceptance yet knowing there is nothing I can do about it except waiting for the feelings that come with it to go away."
I couldn't handle it. A tear rolled down my cheek and I broke down. I wanted to disappear into the sky. It was all such awful timing. My anxiety attacks wee coming back worse then ever, I just lost the only man who was really a father to me my entire life to cancer, we were loosing the house to bankruptcy, my medication wasn't working anymore, and I still had yet to get a grasp on reality. It's weird, you know? I can see reality for what it is -the harsh truth, but I can't get it. It's right there in front of me but just out of reach.
I wiped my tears away and through sobs replied, "What?"
I finally understood. I threw back my head and let it all out. I screamed at the top of my lungs and belched out ever last twisted though and feelings of nausea in one loud screech.
I fell back and gasped for breath. I felt...better. Not in the sense of 'everything-is-better-now' better, but better on a totally new level I have yet to understand.
He grabbed my hand and we laid there in the rain shivering from the gusts of winds that fallowed.
"I will hold your hand through a tornado."