It had been a month since they set sail and she regretted having boarded the ship. She was excited at first, it felt like an adventure. Now she wished she had stayed with Fredrick. The events that had occurred over the past weeks had been horrid, and they would not make port for a few weeks and months. She did not even want to think about what happened, let alone write it out. If she did that, if she saw the truth documented, it would make it all more real than it was. Alas, she must write.

Her first day on the ship was a shock. The man that had invited her in the first place was the captain and he was ruthless. He barked orders and threatened anyone who dared to disobeyed him. During the first two weeks, she was worked to near death. The dishes that piled up during the day were hers to clean after everyone had finished their last meal. Every day she had to scrub the deck by hand and the men began to dub her 'Swab' as it was that she did the work so much.

The ship was not very big, but it still took her most of the day to clean it. When she asked why she had to clean the whole ship everyday, the captain smacked her and yelled at her to get back to work. The crew would purposely make messes so that she would have to clean places repeatedly. From sunrise till supper time, she was on her knees, bent over, and scrubbing even inch of the deck with her hands.

The men were always drunk; she could not grasp how they were competent enough to do work. One night, after she had finished her work, she was followed into her quarters. It was not but the broom closet, with a hooks hammered into the wall to hang a bunk, but she made fare.

The man that followed her was called Nathaniel, and she had noticed on more than one occasion that he had been watching her while she worked, and his hand always went briefly between his legs. She tried to think nothing of it, but she remembered the drunk in alley. She was scared. She told no one and went about her work quietly, trying not to draw attention, hoping she would remain untouched for the remainder of the voyage.

Unfortunately, he followed her one night and had her gagged and bound before she could think. He forced her to the ground with her bottom up and her face down.

"Swab m'lad, wer goin ta had some fun, so we are." he slurred as he yanked off her trousers. He threw them aside and then pulled her legs apart.

"Not eh lad but eh lass eh…" he laughed as he touched her. She gave a muffled protest, but he just began to rub her.

"I gots an ider, so I do. . . If I untie ye, and ye keep quiet whilst we play, then the cap'n d'not need know yer no' a lad. Very bad for 'im to know that, so tis. Know why?" He had by then stuck his dirty finger inside and was moving it in and out of her. She shook her head, tears in her eyes.

"Tis bad luck ta have a woman aboard, so tis and ye'll be thrown ore'board . . . Even if ye be jus a lass. . ." He laughed at the last part, adding in another finger, and then said, "So ye goin ta keep quiet?" she slowly nodded and he slipped his fingers out of her.

Her gag was removed, but not the rope around her wrists. She dared not say anything, though, and did not look at him either. Her body shook uncontrollably and she could barely keep herself from sobbing. He pulled her up so that she sat on her knees, her head level with his waist. He unbuckled his belt and let his trousers fall to his ankles. Her eyes widened at the sight of him. The men had not looked that large in the books she had seen, and she knew what he was going to did with it.

"Ye best watch yer teeth, Swab, so ye should." he warned as he laced his fingers in her hair with one hand and held himself up to her lips with the other. She looked up at him with pleading eyes, but he only pressed it against her closed mouth and pulled her hair. She opened her mouth slowly and he let it slide in and out. He did not try to put the whole thing in, though, which she was glad.

After she sucked on it, for what felt like forever, he left the tip in her mouth and began rubbing it quickly with his hand. Then she felt something warm and gooey in her mouth, lots of it. She pulled her head away to spit it out, but he grabbed her jaw.

"Swallow." he commanded. She did, and tried not to retch it back up.

He then took the rope off her wrists and had her lay down on her back. He pushed her legs apart and got between them, rubbing her with him self. He bent over her and licked her breasts before kissing her roughly.

"Please. . ." she begged, "I will let you put it in my mouth, but please not there."

"Oh, but I 'ehve never bunked a virgin, so I ahvn't. Me likes the thought o' it, so I do. Nice and tight they say, so they do." as he said this, he began to push it in. She started to cry after a minute. It hurt, she wanted it out, and she tried to get away.

"I thought we had eh deal, Swabby, so we did. Stay still and quiet or I 'ill 'ahve ye drowned, so I will." she stopped squirming and tried not to cry as he pushed it in deeper. He moved in and out slowly at first, but once it felt to her that it moved more smoothly, he pushed her legs open wider and went in and out hastily and like a hammer.

She tired not to cry out each time it went in and she tried not move with him but she could not control anything. Her mind was not even operating. It was like everything was just him in her and nothing else. More than once, she felt herself tighten and at these times, she felt feverish and had the most strange, yet relieving feeling ever. He went slower at those times, but hastened again once she felt slack.

Nathaniel began moving even fasted than before and then quickly pulled it out and put it in her mouth again as he rubbed it, like before. She felt that substance in her mouth again, and began swallowing it before there was too much like last time.

"G'night." he said after having pulled his trousers back on and left the room. She wiped her mouth off and spit. Something was dripping between her legs so she slipped a hand there and found traces of blood.

After cleaning up and getting dressed, she went to bed. In the morning, she resumed her duties as if nothing had happened. When she saw Nathaniel, he winked at her and she looked away.

That was not the only night him and her bunked, as he called it. He came every other night. Each night they did it in a different position, but it always ended with her swallowing that gooey stuff.

She was certain when he would and would not come to her. So she knew when if was safe for her to write. He would most likely stay the night in her quarters and bunk with her in the morning as he did after the first time. She felt she might reveal her true gender herself, before she could spend another night with that horrid man.

She felt so ashamed of herself for letting it happen. She felt like it was her fault. Had she done something wrong to warrant this punishment? Should she escape it or endure it? She did not think she could do the latter. She could not and would not hear him call her his whore and much worse names while he violated her again.

Once everyone was asleep, she decided to take a longboat and be at the mercy of the sea. If she should die, then so be it. She would rather die then allow that man to use her body again, so she would.