Dear Ex-Infidel,

Last night I heard the two of you got into a fight. You know that in a way I do care –because I want you to be happy. In another way I want it to be over so you can come back. But will you come back? You say no over and over –there has to be a reason why I can't believe it. Is it denial? Maybe it's because I spent an entire year with you, depending on you, knowing you would always be there, then you left. Without warning you left and jumped to a new more exciting thing. Or maybe it's because it's true. Do you not tell me how you feel because you don't know? Why is it so hard to answer questions I ask? Why did you have to dive into something new so fast and still can't admit you left for it? Or did you not leave for it –but you were lonely, drunk, and she was there.

Do you know what it's like to not have that one person you depended on kill you and not be there to pick up the pieces? You couldn't even tell me to my face. You had to have all of your little friends and whore surrounding you and make me wait the entire day just to give me a 3 minute phone call and not call me back because you 'feel asleep with your phone in your car.'

Is that right? You left me in the dark, in pain, in hope, and in love all day only to be crushed while you went out with all your friends and had a good time. You took everything I ever had and crumpled it into one big ball and threw it away like it was a used tissue without any remorse. But, then again, you didn't give yourself time to even think about it. You just left and jumped to something new. Something I knew was coming but was too damn stupid to believe it and I fucking trusted you. Do you know that? I trusted you with all my heart. I am a fool.

I asked you to tell me that if you started dating anyone to tell me. You said you would. Even after lying and putting off everything else I still fucking trusted you. Then, I find out (on my own) that you have been with the one person you said you didn't have 'feelings' for 2 days before you promised me you would tell me. Another lie.

Nick took me out on a few dates and we had a blast. He was so romantic and so perfect in every way. You know what really pisses me off, though? I still want you. I told you I would find better (trust me it wasn't hard to find) –and I have. Yet I still want you. You're a fucking coward and selfish moron. I hate you. No. I love you. Why can't I hate you? I want to –but I don't.

An entire year of you telling me how happy you were. Telling me how much you loved me. Promising you would never do me wrong and would always be there. What happened to that? How did you get so selfish? How did the man I fall in love with turn into such a selfish baby in a day's time? Two days before you left you told me how happy you were. Why did you lie? If you didn't then what happened? Did you just decided you were done with me? Just like that? I was nothing in a second flat. I went from your everything to your ex who you 'can't fucking stand'.

All you care about is when it's convenient for you to talk to me. You don't even put my emotions in mind. It's just you you you you. Did you think maybe I might have been hurt? Maybe I live day-to-day waiting for something that's never going to happen? That maybe I love you and after everything you have done I still can't hate you? Doesn't that say anything to you? I promise you won't find that in another person. But what I hate more is you know I'm always going to be your fucking back-up plan.

Do you know how perfect it could be if you just took me back? If you would give it all a chance and put aside your fear of being hurt and look at what you did to me and I still love you –then maybe you could see it. You could see how much happier you would be. But you won't. Your pride is more important. You don't care if I'm in pain. Hell, you probably enjoy it. If not you never made it clear that you don't.

Remember when you came over to say goodbye? You told me it wasn't forever. That you would like to give it another shot sometime. That you just needed time to think. Funny how a couple shots of whatever liquor you drank for false happiness can make a person move on so fast. You held me close and it killed you to say goodbye. I could see it clear as day. Why are you so reluctant to admit that you still love me?

I love you. I miss every little thing we did together. I miss how you would breath in 3 times fast right before you feel asleep with my head on your chest. I miss tackling you while you were trying to do something but you would just smile. I miss petting your hair and kissing you softly. I miss you kissing me on the forehead. I miss holding your hand and rubbing the inside of your palm with my finger tips. I miss going to McDonald's and getting a huge amount of chicken nuggets to split with you and dipping them in honey mustard sauce and BBQ sauce mixed together. Remember when you told me that you couldn't eat chicken nuggets without missing me? I still think about that silly thing everyday. I miss laying out under the stars on your blanket and holding hands talking about nothing. I miss curling up in your bed while you were on the computer for you to come over and tackle me and then kiss me passionately. I miss making you breakfast in my underwear always making way too much so we would have to give the rest to the dogs. I miss cuddling up in my basement and watching movies trying to get comfortable through out the entire thing on the tiny little couch that was way to short for your long legs. I miss waking up at your house to your face, or when I woke up 1st to come in and pet your nose until you woke up. I miss crawling under the covers with you to get warm because your dad didn't know the meaning of the word 'heater'. I miss staying up late with you crying on my chest about how much you miss your mom and me praying every night that she visit you in your dreams to tell you how much she misses you and is waiting in heaven. I still do that, you know? I still pray to her every night begging her to bring her son back to me. Telling her how much I love you and how you mean everything to me. Telling her how sorry I am I failed her. Remember when you told me you thought she brought me to you? I think she did, too. And I failed her. I lost you and I love you.

I need you & I don't know why. I love you & I don't know why.

All I know is I feel how I feel and confusion is the worst fucking thing in the world. I know that I can't stand to not hear your voice every day and when we do talk (which is rare) you don't tell me you love me before you go –and I can't tell you I love you.

Just come back.


I am very confused. It kills me to know I can never say these words to you -because if I do I may push you away, and if I don't I might never get a chance. I can't win anything.