How to Survive a Real-life Horror Movie

Ever wonder how you would fair in a horror movie? Want to know how to avoid the whole thing altogether? Well look no further. Here is a step-by-step guide on how to avoid horror-movie-like situations and how to survive them if you do find yourself in them!

Terms and conditions apply. I have never been in a horror movie situation. May depend on the psychopath(s) who are perusing you. Please allow for the paralysing-fear factor. For more details please contact survivor and get first hand accounts

1. Do not leave the interstate

(Or in case of e.g. Britain- the motorway)

This is never a good idea- no matter how much time you THINK it will save you.

It never saves you time and your car will inevitably break down and you will then need to be saved by too-good-to-be-true Samaritan. This leads us into...

2. Do not trust the too-good-to-be-true and slightly creepy Samaritan

You are in the middle of nowhere- and this guy just happens to be passing through on this hardly- if ever - used road at the exact same time as you? And then offers his services that seem far too good to be true? Little alarm bells should be going off about now.

Smile politely and say that it is okay and that you have called the police telling them exactly where you are but feel free to wait around if you wish! (While you are safely locked in the car)

3. If you should find a motel- find out (by looking yourself) if there is anyone else staying there

Chances are if there is no-one else there, you don't want to be there either!

It could just be that they are having a slow season- or it could be that they are psychopaths and have been killing any of the people daft enough to stay there! Best to stick to the nicely populated areas.

4. Creepy manager/receptionist/ building/feeling

Get the hell outa doge!

You may feel stupid- but this is better than dead. We have survival instincts for a reason.

5. Never watch the home-made movies in the cabin/motel

This never ends well- just look at The Ring

It is never porn and never anything good either.

However should you give into the temptation and watch the films- please pay attention to the following rules

6. Should you find yourself watching familiar settings- get the hell out of there.

Do not assume it is your paranoia. As we have covered- it is better to look and feel stupid than dead. It is not paranoia if it is your room.

7. Do not answer the phone after watching the films.

Do I need to explain this one?

8. Never go into the haunted house

Even if your friends are daring you and have been in there a thousand times before- the minute you go in strange things will start to happen. Is the dare really worth it? Do you really want to end up as the next phase of the legend?

9. Legends are never just legends

See the 8.

10. Use your surroundings to make a weapon if you do not have one

Pipes, broken glass wrapped in a piece of fabric for a handle, sharpened metal/wood…

Use what you have. No one is going to care how posh your weapon is as long as it inflicts pain!

However remember- if you are in striking distance, so is the bad guy. Distance is your friend- so use it!

11. Do not leave your weapon behind when you start running - especially if you have gone to the trouble of making it

The gun with the amazing laser sight with all the bells and whistles is no good to you if it is still in the car- four miles back! Plus you have in avertedly armed your pursuer further! Never a good idea.

You may still end up needing to defend your self if distance does not lend itself to you (this is often the case- especially since no matter how fast you run, your pursuers walking pace is always equal to your running pace and/or they have a car)

12. Running upstairs is stupid

No matter how often is seems to work in the films- running upstairs where there is no exit is just stupid! Made doubly so if you have to run past/near the front door to do so!

There is no where to escape upstairs unless you can jump from the 2nd story and not brake any bones (in which case- why are you running?! You are obviously some kind of super hero who cannot be hurt!)

13. When being persuaded by psychopaths- do not stop for long conversations!

While psychopaths in films are kind enough to let you have that long discussion on the best course of action followed by the heart to heart where you will no doubt apologise for all past wrongs and declare love for one another, and won't interrupt you.

However be warned in real life psychopaths are not so kind. They will interrupt this moment unlike their movie counter parts. So keep discussions short and to the point. Save the declarations of love till after you have survived and called the police and the psychopaths are all locked up okay?

14. If you have managed to escape- do NOT go back to the house of the psychopath

At long last you are free! This has been your goal all along- and then some idiot says "Why don't we double back?"

You have just spent the last few hours trying to out of that pace that the psychopath knows better than their trusty knife- so why on earth do you want to go back?! This plan also never ends well

15. Never split up

You will end up dead- psychopaths like nothing more than picking you off one by one. Splitting into small groups just makes it easier for them- and we like making their life difficult, never forget that

16. Show up in the first five minutes of the film- and be a girl

Characters who show up half way throw- or even 10 minutes into the film never survive. Also at least one girl always survives (sorry guys but it is true)

A/N So what do you think? Please R&R! I am thinking of adding more to this maddness- but only if people think it is worth continuing!So let me know what you think!

Any flames will be used to toast marshmallows.

Constructive criticism is welcome! (So are glowing reviews- but not as likely ;-) )