Soggy Bagel pulled me through the wall. This was not the most pleasant experience of my life, as you may imagine. I emerged on the other side, covered in wooded splinters and plaster. He held me up in the air.

"Where's the crystal?" he asked, rather nastily.

"Villain tip number 181. If you don't want to cause a scene, then you probably shouldn't pull people through walls." I smile weakly. My head throbs in pain. What else is new?

"Wrong answer." He throws me down the hall. I land with a soft thud. My pain is worse now, thank you very much.

Kathryn runs out of the classroom and leaps onto Soggy Bagel's back. "You shouldn't have done that you bastard!" She pounded on his back, with a sense of uselessness. I looked up rather groggily.

"You are so dead!" yelled Soggy Bagel as he pulled Kathryn off his back and held her out in front of him. Her legs dangled off the ground. "Where's the crystal?!"

"Go…suck…your…head!" Kathryn was having trouble breathing. I stood up, dusted myself off and started marching towards Soggy Bagel.

"That's it! No half-wit witch wannabe is gonna leave my cheese out in the wind!" I flung myself at Soggy Bagel, knocking him to the floor and causing him to drop Kathryn. Kathryn backed away, as I pounded on Bagel boy. He pressed his hand against my chest, and before I knew it, a burst of energy sent me flying backwards. I landed on the ground and did a couple full turns before I even realized what had happened. "The force is strong with that one."

Soggy Bagel pushed Kathryn up against the wall and came after me. Kathryn stood up and began to whisper loudly. I couldn't make out any of the words.

"Kathryn, honey, what are you doing?"

"Binding Spell…can't talk now." She went back to her whispered chanting.

"Well, while you're doing that, I'm about to have my ass kicked for the umpteenth time in ten minutes."

Soggy Bagel grabbed me and pulled me up to his eye level. "Where is the crystal?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Frankenberry," I smile meekly.

"You're one of them. You must know where it is!" He was getting impatient, I could tell. The little veins in his head were throbbing.

"One of what?" Playing dumb probably wasn't the smartest move. He pulled my hat off, revealing my bright red hair.

"You have red hair and pointy ears! You're one of them!"

"What are you talking about?" I check my ears. They have in fact gotten rather pointy. "Oh no! It's getting worse!"

"So, where is it?"

"Right down here…" I point to my belly button. As Soggy Bagel looks down, I punch up, my fist connecting with his nose. Soggy Bagel and I fall over with a deafening boom. I quickly look up. "Kathryn, let's get the hell out of here!" I get up and run towards Kathryn leaving a currently unconscious Soggy Bagel in my dust.

"I'm in the middle of a binding spell, I can't go," replied Kathryn.

"I don't have time for that mumbo jumbo. That guy is trying to kill US!" Wrong choice of words ladies and gentlemen.

"Mumbo Jumbo? Jazz, that mumbo jumbo, as you put it is what's turning you into a leprechaun, is what that nutball over there wants, and is what is saving your life." She was yelling into my face, and poking my chest with her index finger.

"Ow. That finger poking really hurts!" I exclaimed, trying to guard myself from further pokings. Kathryn proceeded to rant about witchcraft, and how it was so important to her, and how she couldn't believe I could be so insensitive. She also mentioned, I think, something about paying more attention, but I couldn't be sure because I wasn't paying attention. I was too busy being distracted by the sight of Soggy Bagel waking up and slowly getting up.

"Breakfast boy getting up," I stammered. This guy was like the Terminator. "Breakfast boy getting up! Breakfast boy getting up and walking towards us!"

"What are you yammering about?"

"Bagel Boy is awake!"

Kathryn turned around to come face to chest with Soggy Bagel. She let out the loudest blood curdling scream I had ever heard. She then proceeded to kick Soggy Bagel in between the legs. He fell to the ground in pain. She grabbed my hand and we ran down the hall and out of the building.

"Where are you dragging me?" I asked Kathryn.

"Anywhere but here!"

We both run into my dorm room and slam the door behind us.

"Geez, you guys go for a walk and all hell breaks loose! Does trouble just follow you around?" asked Patrick.

"No, it pretty much knows where I am most of the time…" I'm out of breath and my throat is begging for liquid refreshment. I walk over to the mini-fridge and grab a bottle of water. I chug a good couple of gulps until I feel a little better. "So what's the plan here? How do we…um…blow this pop stand undetected?"

"We don't. We're going to kill Soggy Bagel." Patrick never looked so serious.

"You guys are nuts! You're self-destructive you know that? There's a funny farm with your names written all over it! But I'm getting outta here!" I exclaimed as I headed for the door

I threw it open, and standing right there was Soggy Bagel, towering over us all.

"Oh shit," I muttered as he picked me up. He threw me across the room. I hit Patrick's bed and broke it in half from the force I was going at.

Soggy Bagel stomped across the room and picked me up. "Where's the charm?"

"Right here," I pulled the charm our from under my shirt.

"There it is." He stroked the dark green crystal. Suddenly, he screamed out in pain. He dropped me and turned around. I saw that Patrick had stabbed a letter opener into Soggy Bagel's back. He pushed Patrick into a corner. I grabbed my wooden baseball bat and whacked Soggy over the head. The bat exploded into a barrage of splinters, leaving only a sharp pointed handle.

Soggy turned around to me. I quickly and efficiently stabbed him in the chest with the bat. He screamed out in pain more, hitting me with his free hand and sending me into another corner.

Kathryn grabbed Soggy Bagel and threw him head first into the television set. There were several sizzling and popping sounds before Soggy Bagel got fully toasted.

Patrick and I stood up and slowly took stock of our injuries as the smoke cleared.

"I wonder if that's covered under the warranty," I mutter as I go to open a window.


The three of us sat by the fountain, relaxing after having spent the rest of the night disposing of the body of Soggy Bagel.

I take off the charm and hand it over to Patrick. "Here, you can have this back."

"Thanks." Patrick put the charm back around his neck, carefully placing the charm under his shirt. He looked up at me. "Huh, I would've thought your red hair and pointy ears would have dissapeared after you gave up the charm."

"You mean they didn't?" I asked, worried.

"Nope. I wouldn't be surprised if you had some Leprechaun in your family somewhere. That charm just brought it out. Amazing."

"Yeah, that's pretty cool." I responded. "It sure was a hell of an adventure though, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, it was." Kathryn said, with a smile of satisfaction on her face. "Just like the Goonies, huh Jazz?"

"Nah. It blew the Goonies out of the water." I had a sneaky feeling there were more strange times to come…

THE END...or is it?