In the land of the Uggers
Tuesday September 22
Dear Diary
I'm your typical 15 years old crazed music Amazon teenager standing at a tall 5'11. I go to a greenhouse disguised as the school of the mentally hormonal and bitchy for girls. I'm look flat-chested with 34D cups and have been accused of growing my own zit farm on my face. (My mummy) and live in the land of Uggers. Most people go there sometimes but others like me go for a visit and end up buying a condo.
In the Greenhouse
3.35pm
Just finished having Miss Radish for science it was like my whole life flashed before my eyes. One minute it was the summer hols then the next I'm sitting in a bottle green sack bag that I call a uniform listening to Radish speak mouse to me. Her voice is so high we can only barely to hear a word she says it like.
'Squeak …Plant cells...squeak…and…squeak…test next… squeak… week… squeak'
While I was pretending to listening it suddenly clocked to me our school must look like a giant broccoli with little green women from the sky. Yes that maybe random but we have so much bush and green. Melody A.K.A Monkey has been chitterling like a twitter in my ear all day. I feel like shoving my funky pencil case down her throat. I believe everybody has one…a friend like my Mel. They are loudmouth, gossip, trouble-makers who get you into trouble and seem to be less stressed and don't study as hard as you do but do well.
I said to her "what you doing this weekend?" before I knew I'm getting her life story and her plans for every second of the weekend.
"Well Royalty (Her man Prince…yes that is his name) and I. we are going to this banquet in the OC with my cousin Brian"
(OC-Orange country of England. Essex. There are so many orange people in there)
"Monkey when I asked it was meant as a rhetorical question but if you must…" I said trailing off. She got the major pizzled and shuffled off to talk to Lauren instead. I rolled my eyes and gave her a quick kick and a nudge.
"Don't be such a banana, Monkey" I moaned, she swerved around her stupid grin on her face and drew what I think was meant to a design of a dress but looked like a melting giraffe.
"Maybe…I should draw it" I offered taking the pen from her hand when suddenly a loud squeaky sound goes off.
"Dam… squeak…Melody… squeak… could you … squeak …please stop… squeak… talking" she squealed her face becoming all blotchy and red. Monkey and I looked at each other before bursting into a laughing spaz. Now I know what mice would look like if they got angry.
"But it was her, miss" Monkey said pointing at me. Cuh! Why have enemies when you got Mel as a friend.
"It takes two to have a convo, you grasser" I said in my own outraged voice.
"Girls before… squeak… I move… squeak… you be… squeak… quiet" Miss Radish squealed before turning around to face what I think may have been a presentation about plants. This is getting a bit ridiculous, our uniform is green, our school is practically green and after eating the schools warm meals so is our faces.
"Hey Mel" I said poking Monkey
"What?" she replied
"I think Miss Rashid fell in a helium tank as a child when her and her family went to a helium factory for a hols" I muttered, she looked at me like I was taking crazy pills.
"why the…where did that…You are so such a weirdo" she replied putting her head on my shoulder and doing what she does with 95 of her school education. Sleep (!)
"Says the weirdo who calls herself my pally" I replied
On the way to home
3:50pm
Oh my golly-banana, you will not believe what just what happened. So the girls and I are walking down Hoe Street. Lip-gloss on, hair slicked back and shorts all pleated and short. I can only put my hand up for the last one I probably looked gangly and awkward it's a look I specialise in. when a brick suddenly comes flying past our head and hits the wall behind us. So were all screaming like a bunch of Paulie McCartney fans clutching onto one another screaming and running around so we turn around to see the Warwick boys for pratters being lead by their leader Jarrett or to others Je-Rat dashing stuff from the floor at us and guess what short crazy haired loudmouth idiot they were after
Melody
And guess which little midget jumped on the bus before we could blink and abandoned her friends
Melody
That idiot better never talk to me again.
4:00
Phoned Mel to ask her to buy me a one pound pizza from the pizza shop after running a marathon to escape being hit to death by a flying condom , Beth grabbed my mobile off me and started ranting at her down the phone.
'You idiot, where the heck are you?' Beth shouted.
'Duh! down the pizza shop buying me a pepperoni, jalapeno peppers and pineapple pizza' I said.. Meaty yet hot and sweet Gosh I'm a peanut head. Beth is our baby she's small and petite except her bottom which is like huge not as huge as Monkey's but it's big. She's so innocent and sweet but is currently lusting for her ex-older uggers boyfriend who is in jail for drugs. However we have a saying 'If you want to eat, get there before Bethany'
"Whatever, cause of her we have Je-Rat after us" Stephy mumbled applying lippy and patting down her weave. I didn't want to say anything but she looked like she had slept with her lips in oil. Nobody is meant to wear that much gloss just to go and eat. Maybe if there was some lisping or snogging but we were going to eat pizza which is like rubbing more grease on it. I told Monkey this when we saw her and she had a total mental breakdown she started laughing like a horse in the middle of the crowded street and she went to tell
Beth…Nobz…Nat…NyNy…Tash…Mandz…Sharna…Charna…Shana…Sharhna ( yes those last three names the are pronounced like the first sharna). My gosh! The only person she never told was the grease monkey herself Stephy.
Hello, hello Welcome to MelodyFM where you can hear all the latest Goss. At 4:17 Dam insulted Stephy's greasy lips.
In my bedroom
Having a bit of a solo-party in my bedroom dancing to a bit of pop/R&B with a hint of rock. Having a bit work-out to make up for the fact I've been avoiding P.E. Sir Phillip, her name is miss but she looks a bit mannish so Mev dubbed her sir Phillips. Don't get me wrong I like her …well accept when she makes me do stuff in front of the class when I'm…what's was I saying…you know…that's it. When I'm not paying attention or forgot what she was saying. Really there is so much you can learn in P.E. It's not a lot .It's England for Potato's sake the land where the sun barely shines. I have caught almost a bazillion colds in the summer. The sun shines but its still freezing!
So I'm was doing my little dance in my head jiggle to the left, jiggle to the right and some arm swaying. When peanut head one comes smashing into my room followed eventually by peanut head two.
"Can't you hear mum calling?" he bellows knocking down my facial camouflage. Now how am I meant to cover the spotties which lurk under my skin?
I pull out my head phones and chuck them behind my bed. You see technically My MP3 was taken from me due to lack of response and ignoring people by dad. So when he leaves I pop it out of his drawer and before he comes back in they go.
"If I could wouldn't I reply?" I shouted back "Now get like a ball and bounce I'm coming"
So I trop downstairs to see what my mum wants and guess what she says
"Why are you upstairs?" she said
"I getting changed" I replied
"We've been home for 5 minutes now. I've started dinner already what have I said about staying up in your room while I cook in the kitchen" she said scowling at me and getting the major hump. I sighed and went back to my room to change. What I should have said is 'I don't eat with you lot so why should I cook it?'. I never eat the stuff and my mum isn't a big eater either so only the peanut heads eat and my Dad. I will never understand the female population. I once suspected because of the way I act and sit with my legs open I may be a boy with a girl's body because I have seen myself I don't think I'm doing such a good job. All I attract are pervies or ugly boys. I would tell my mum this but she would just say it's because I'm a pig with no manners. I don't clean my room for a couple of months and she never forgets about it. I don't know how that stupid biscuit and cups got under my bed.
Talk to later xxxxx
Damsel in distress