10Chapter 1: In which Rapunzel leaves her tower, and the Evil Olde Ladies call a meeting.
"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!" cried Larry the knight at the tower window. Rapunzel peered out, binoculars in hand. She took a quick glance through them, and withdrew her head, soon coming back with a megaphone.
"No. Go away." She said, greatly enjoying the look on Larry's face.
"But," he spluttered, "But that's not how it's supposed to go!" She smiled sweetly.
"Is there a law?" Larry frowned.
"Well, no-"
"Then I don't have to let down my hair. Besides," Rapunzel went on, "it would get all dirty."
Larry set his face into what he thought of as a determined expression.
"Then I'm just not going to leave." Rapunzel sighed.
"That's what the other 46 said." She disappeared from sight for a moment and returned with her most lethal weapon. "Don't say I didn't warn you." Larry screamed, and hid behind his steed, Mangé, who was chomping lazily on the meadow surrounding the tower. The weapon Rapunzel had revealed was…her hairdryer.
"Die, SCUM!" she yelled, and flicked the switch to high.
That would have been the end of Larry, if she had had electricity.
Rapunzel shook the hairdryer and slammed it down on the window sill.
"Blasted electricity's down again." She said, stomping her foot. "That's twice this week and it's only Tuesday!"
"Really?" Larry asked, checking his new digital watch. "I thought it was Wednesday."
"Nope." She said, dialling a number on her cell phone. "It's Tuesday."
"Oh."
There was silence for a while as the phone rang, before a bored sounding voice answered Rapunzel.
"Hello, this is FairyLand Electricity, 'We're got the Magic Spark', how can I help you?" they said in a monotone. That got Rapunzel started.
"First, you can help me by telling me why my electricity failed AGAIN. I was just about to finish off this knight, Lenny, or Lilly, or something like that,"
"Larry." Larry called up helpfully.
"Yes, Larry, when my electricity went off, and I wasn't able to blow him to the Kingdom of Tim-Buct-Too, or wherever, and on Sunday, I was checking my e-mail, and it went, and every time it happens I have to reset all of my clocks, and it completely ruins my dramatic exit if I try to get rid of the knight or prince, or whatever, and if you don't fix it RIGHT NOW, I am going to be furious and switch companies!" she screamed, red in the face. Larry stared at her in amazement that she had screamed loud enough for Mangé to stop eating.
"Wow." He said, which wasn't a very good idea.
"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!"
"Nothing!" he squeaked. She sniffed and went back to her call.
"We'll send someone over right away" the person said, sounding slightly frightened. "You're address is still #1 The Middle of Nowhere, FairyLand, The Big Tower?"
"Yes, and you'd better get here fast." She snapped her cell phone shut and studied the cover. "It's brand new you know. I just got it ordered in."
"It's very nice." Larry complimented, and began unpacking one of his saddlebags.
"What are you doing?" she asked suspiciously.
"Having a picnic." Larry replied, spreading a checkered blanket on the grass in front of Rapunzel's tower.
"But it's only 11 o'clock! I only had breakfast a few hours ago!" Rapunzel exclaimed as Larry laid out a meal that would have put Christmas Dinner to shame.
"Yeah, well, you didn't ride out to the Big Tower #1, The Middle of Nowhere, now did you?" Rapunzel sniffed.
"I'll have you know that I actually run 5 miles every day on my treadmill, thank you. I'm quite in shape, you know." Larry began pouring himself a cup of tea, slightly ignoring her banter.
"Would you like to join me?" he asked, "I have enough for both of us."
"Absolutely not!" Rapunzel scoffed. "I haven't been down from this tower in 170 years, and I not about to start now."
"Suit yourself," said Larry, shrugging. He picked up a bit of turkey and began munching while Rapunzel drummed her fingers on the windowsill.
"Oh, darn it." She said. "It smells too good." She disappeared for a moment before returning with her shawl. "You're sure there's enough?" Larry nodded.
"And extra, too! I wasn't sure if I was going to meet anyone when I came out here."
Rapunzel took one last sniff at the turkey and vanished. Larry heard the pitter patter of her slippers, and then the metallic sound of a bolt being pushed back. The door creaked open on unused hinges and Rapunzel peaked out.
"You mustn't tell anyone that I've been out of my tower, or else I'll be in heaps of trouble. They might cut off my internet connection, or something."
"Who's they?" Larry asked, handing her a dinner roll.
"Oh, you know the stories," she said through a mouthful of salad. "The Evil Olde Lady Corporation. An Evil Olde Lady captures a princess or pretty orphan, or in my case, struck a bargain with my mum, and locks them in a tower."
"Not necessarily," Larry pointed out. "The evil queen for Snow White was just trying to get her killed." Rapunzel rolled her eyes.
"Yeah, I wonder why. She is such a snob! She passed by here when she was running away, and I gave her instructions to the dwarves' cottage and everything, and she didn't even say thank you! Cinderella on the other hand, is really quite nice. Se was locked in a tower too, but not for nearly as long. I'm still in e-mail contact with her."
"Do you know what bargain your mother made with your Evil Olde Lady?" Larry asked, giving her another dinner roll. " I mean, you're not exactly the fairest maiden in the land, so I'm thinking to get you a prince? But really, why waste all of that time just to get a prince, when any perfectly good village boy would be just as good? Why lock you up?" Rapunzel shrugged.
"I dunno. I'm guessing there's more than that to it, though. My mum was pretty sensible. Shouldn't you know? I mean, you were the one coming to save me, and everything." Larry shook his head,
"No-one bothered to tell me either. Mum just told me that I have to save a princess to uphold the family honour, and pointed me in your direction."
"My past is a mystery!" wailed Rapunzel.
"Get a grip," said Larry, shoving yet another dinner roll into her mouth to stop the noise. " I'd feel lucky in your place. I was brought up as the youngest and worse off for everything, talent, looks, swordsmanship. Edward is a knight of Camelot, and Frederick has won Best Smile twice now."
"Really?" Rapunzel said, "Against Prince Charming?"
"Once. One year Charming had a cold and had to stay home. He was right ticked off when Frederick won against him, though."
"I can imagine." Rapunzel agreed. "He is so self centred."
While they were talking, a crow lifted off from a nearby tree and flew to a little cottage in the woods where an old lady was stirring her cauldron. Meanwhile, another crow lifted from the same tree, and went to his old lady, as did the other three crows. Soon, all 7 crows had left the tree and reached their destinations and told Evil Olde Ladies from across FairyLand that Rapunzel had been out of her tower. That evening, when Larry had gone home and Rapunzel had had her electricity fixed, a meeting of Evil Olde Ladies was called, under the light of the full moon. They met in a clearing in the Olde Creaky Wood, with bats fluttering across the face of the moon, and wolves howling
in the distance.
"Well, let's not waste time with pleasantries." one said, "No point in beating around the bush. Best eat the turkey while it's hot, especially if it's come right out of the oven with a sprinkle of salt, mmm!"
"Lyda!" yelled several Evil Olde Ladies.
"Oh, right! Sorry," Lyda said, a bit flustered. "Well, I think we should put some more pressure on keeping princesses, orphans and pretty maidens locked away."
"Maybe if you put a bolt on the outside of the door, Rapunzel wouldn't be able to open it and venture out!" Eleanor said sharply. She had been Cinderella's Evil Olde Lady, and had experience with locking people in towers. Lyda was becoming more and more flustered.
"Oh, um, Rapunzel didn't leave her tower, no, um, I had Arthur watching her." Eleanor sighed and brought forth a thick, leather bound volume from her cloak.
"Edgar was there." She said, and began flipping through pages in the book. Edgar was Eleanor's crow, and also the sneakiest and most deceptive of all the crows.
"Oh." Lyda said as choruses of "Philippe was there too!" and "Alberto saw the whole thing." came from the other Evil Olde Ladies.
Eleanor found the page she was looking for in the book and handed it to Lyda."Here it is, Clause 429. It states that the princess, orphan, or pretty maiden is not to be released from custody unless she is saved by a knight, prince or worthy peasant, or released by the Evil Olde Lady, with consent from the Council, and client. Escape is strictly forbidden. Clause in effect, June 14, First Age of FairyLand."
Lyda was silent for a moment while she read the clause.
"Well," she murmured "I suppose I could put an extra bolt on Rapunzel's door. On the outside."
"Yes, do that." Elizabeth said briskly, "And put a ferocious creature to guard the tower, too. Dragons work pretty well, but you could try a Chimera, Gryphon, or Basilisk, but Basilisks aren't very good, I find. Not intimidating enough. Anyways, that's what I did with Sleeping Beauty. Hmm," she scoffed, "What a name! Well, the dragon stopped at least half of the rescuers from even trying." Stella, Snow White's Lady, nodded.
"If Rapunzel had wanted to get rescued, the first knight who came along would've whisked her away, and you would have had to put a sign on your cottage saying 'Evil Olde Lady for hire, witch extra.' If she escapes, you'll be in bug trouble with the Council." Lyda wrung her hands nervously. Rapunzel was the first maiden she had been hired to lock away. All the other Ladies had loads of maidens under their belts.
"Alright, I'll put a bolt on the door, and I'll look into a Chimera."
"Good." Eleanor said curtly and snatched her book back. The other Ladies nodded their agreement, and the meeting broke up.
That took forever to type, sorry. I hope you liked it. More importantly, I hope you laughed at something in it, whether it would be all of the mistakes I've made in, well, anything, or the comicalness of how bad you think it is. Just laugh at something. )