The Last Goodbye

Hey you. Let see, today's a pretty nice day. It's sunny but windy at the same time. Well, I'm sure you can see that from up above. Today it has been a year since you've left this world. I'm not sure why you left, well, I know why, but I'm not sure why you left so early. I'm also not sure why you left the way you did. Why did you choose to get in that car anyway? I told you not to go. You could've died of a sickness instead of a devastating crash. But then again, sickness would mean me having to watch you suffer and die slowly, which might be even more painful for me.

Basketball. It was your favorite sport in the whole wide world. You were good at it too. I've never missed a single game. Cheerleaders were all over you, but I accepted it. After all, I was just 'your best friend'. Nothing more, right? So now, every time I hear the bouncing sound of a basketball or see someone or something that has anything to do with basketball, I would think of one person only, you.

On the day of your funeral, I refused to look at your dead, lifeless body inside the casket. I refused to believe that in that wooden casket was my best friend. I always thought I would cry if you died, but for some reason, on that day, I refused to shed any tears. In fact, I didn't shed a single tear since the day you died. Almost everyone who attended the funeral cried, especially your mother. The weird thing is, some of the girls who cried their eye balls out at your funeral didn't even know you. The whole time I did not show any emotions at all. I haven't showed any emotions even until now. I couldn't feel happy or sad. I just felt… empty.

After your funeral, I went to your house and stayed in your room for a long, long time. I went through your things actually. I realized that I know almost everything about you. There was nothing new or surprising.

Your mother gave me a bunch of photo albums to look at. Was it meant to make me feel better? Well, because it certainly didn't. I flipped through pages of photographs of you from photos of since you were a baby till now. I was in almost half of them. After all, we've known each other for years. I could hear your mother crying from downstairs, together with you father and older sister, but I just stayed in your room. I was not capable of any comforting words. I was honestly a little angry at that time. I would've said "He's gone now so there's really no point crying at all. You're just causing noise pollution."

Well, you have a younger brother now. Your family has finally accepted the fact that you've gone to a better place. I hardly go to your house anymore. Actually, I haven't been there since the day of your funeral. I've seen your little brother once, with your mother at a grocery store, but that was it. Your brother, Eddie, reminded me too much of you. I couldn't even look at him.

I still remember exactly how you look; brown eyes, black hair, tall and buff. Girls would have killed to date you, but I'm sure you knew that. You went around dating a lot of girls. Maybe I wasn't good enough for you. Maybe I wasn't like them; tall, thin and pretty. Maybe I didn't look like a model. But one thing is that I've always been there for you. Somehow, I think that you did know I was in love with you. I mean, I told you once, but that didn't turn out so well. We didn't talk for quite a while. But I've always been in love with you. Maybe you knew that. If I could ask you one question now, I would ask you to tell me honestly if you were ever embarrassed of having me as a friend? If you answered yes, I would've accepted it eventhough it would break my heart into millions of tiny pieces.

Still, there were times when I thought that we would actually have a chance. I said to myself that one day, I would tell you exactly how I feel and stop hiding it. I guess that that one day would never arrive. You left way too soon.

I still don't forgive Rob for crashing that car. He was the one driving the car. He was the one who should've died. He was the one who made me lost my best friend. I've never failed to remind him that your death was his fault. It pisses me off that it seems like he doesn't really care anymore.

You should see your girlfriend, Victoria, now. She's a slut! She's dated millions of boys since you left. The week after your funeral, I saw her making out with your so-called friend, Matt. I would have given anything to go up to them and to pull all Victoria's hair out and kick Matt in the place where it hurts hard, but I knew better than to do that.

So here I am today, sitting beside your tombstone. Until today, I think I'm still in love with you. No, I know I'm still in love with you, but one year of my life has been wasted. Even your family has let go, so maybe it is time for me to do the same. I'm moving to London soon. This will probably the last time I visit you in a long, long time. Since I never got the chance to tell you that I loved you, well, I'll tell you now. I love you. But today, I'm letting go. I'm erasing everything about you from my life. Eventhough the memories will probably be the hardest to erase, I'll find a way. I heard there's a procedure in London to erase a certain part of your memory, like in the movie 'The Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind'. This might be the last time I'll talk to you this way, or even think about you. I'm finally ready to move on.

Goodbye, my friend, my love. Sometime some place else, I know we will meet again, but for now, I'm saying goodbye.

As I start walking away, I feel something fall from my eyes and wet my cheeks. I touch it with my hands. They were tears. I smile. I'm finally showing emotions again after a year...