All the jokes of Comedy

Chapter one

"Eye y ey oh, Old Macdonald like had a farm, eye ey eye oh" The old wrinkly man groaned out in a slowly excruciating rhyme. As his thin knobbly fingers drummed into the keys of the piano. I sat there drinking my first sip of breaking the law, a margarita, while supporting Marty's drunk great-great-grandmother's with my shoulder. I tried to ponder what had possessed me to come to the funeral of my ex-boyfriend's uncle.

"Thank Louisiana" Marty said turning to look at me. His blue twinkling eyes lighting up as he smiled. Then I remembered.

I am still in love with Marty.

Let me fill you up. My name is Louisiana Drinkingwater, Yes Louisiana Drinkingwater. I am a 17-year-old teacher's pet who was going out with one of the coolest gorgeous–looking guys in the world. When he dumped me for a pretty older girl. Not that I minded, I mean I was lucky to even go out with him. Marty looks like a blond Adonis. Shoulder length blonde soft thick hair. Sparkling blue eyes with a beautiful lean frame. He looks so gentle and is so kind to me. Whereas I am your plain Jane, with brown medium length hair. Brown eyes and freckled skin. I am even average height and shape. No special curves or long legs. Just a weird name to make up for the plain girl.

"No problem, Mart. You know me" I replied, of course he knows me, most of the world does .your typical love-struck teenager. He nodded and went over to console other guests. I felt a slight stir next to me.

"Is it over yet?" the frail woman next to me asked, I shook my head. She rolled her eyes and slumped back heavily onto me as if I was her own personal sleepy post.

"Lou" said a voice; I put on a smile and turned to look at the owner of the voice. Eliza. Marty's new girlfriend. I could have never competed with her. Her gorgeous black bob and smooth clear honey skin and beautiful curvy figure. She screamed chic and mature not 17-year-old virgin teenager.

"Liz" I replied

"Thanks for coming, Marty and I appreciate it" She replied giving me one of her 'sympathetic' pats and walking over to join Marty. I got one of them when I was dumped. No, matter what I just could not bring myself to hate her. She was….too nice.

I turned to look at the fossil; it was only when she moved I saw the slither of drool on my shoulder. I downed my drink and put my hand out for another. It was going to be a long night. I looked around at the guests, some were sobbing there hearts out like their lives depended on it. While others were not even pretending to be upset and were looking as bored as Marty's great-great-grandmother. It wasn't like any other wake I had ever been to. Nobody looked generally upset like they were upset over his death. In fact, they all looked like they were waiting.


I turned to look at the owner of the voice. I inwardly gasped as the person next to me. All I would have used to describe him was beautiful. Actually he looked like Marty, well Marty's opposite. Unlike Marty's fair neat long blond hair, he had dark ruff short brown hair. His body was more built instead of Marty's lean shape and his eyes….his eyes were different not in colour but in content I just could not put my finger on it. I remember seeing him at the funeral at the front. His face looked tight and tense like he was bursting to say something.

"So…which part of the branch are you from and how much meat do you plan to take?" He said sneered, grabbing my shoulder and turning me to him. I sat there looking at him, mouth open until my common sense came back.

"Excuse me," I said quizzically.

"Don't play stupid, I would have accused of being one of his whores but you look too young what are you my age 17, 18?" He asked again. I could see the cold chip in his eyes as he glared at me. So he was my age, he looked older. Still did not give him the right to get rude to me. I felt anger built up in me. Who did this jerk think he was?

"Seventeen, and who do you think you are coming up to me and accusing me of being a whore? I came to this wake on behalf of a friend and this is what I get." I cried in outrage shooting up knocking over the fossil as I did. Rage and anger consumed me as I shook, ignoring the slight moan and thumping noise in my background.

"Actually what I said is that I would have accused, not that I did, calm down you're making a scene," He muttered trying calm me down. His brow creasing in irritation. I sighed and sat back down. I came to the wake to support Marty not make it a more uncomfortable situation. I sat there smoothing the creases in my linen skirt.

"Well…" I said, he leaned against his seat and pouted at me.

"Well what?" He asked frowning at me.

"My apology" I said gritting my teeth together. He looked me up and down. He gave a little chuckle, wiped a tear from his eye and looked at me again.

"Oh, okay give it to me then" He replied, me….give him an apology…what crazy drugs had he taken. I scrunched my face up before giving me a hard slap around his face. The cracking noise filling the room. I gasped and covered my mouth in shock. The whole room had gone silent and all eyes were on us. For some reason I knew I had done a very very bad thing.


I swung around to see Eliza's appalled face. I smiled weakly and waved a few fingers at her. Hmm… she did not look to happy.


"Daniele" Marty muttered, his beautiful features twisting at if he was swallowing poison. Guess he literally did make people sick.

Who is…?

"Marty" said the demon behind me in a sarcastic voice. "I see the biggest of slime have crawled out of his rock"

"What are you doing here?" Marty asked, running his fingers through his hair showing his weary face.

"What am I? Ha! What are you lot doing here I lived with him for 8 years. I was there when he breathed his last breathe. I was the one who looked after him when he was ill. I live here!" Daniele roared, "This is my home, Get out the lot of you"

"Daniele, you need to calm down" Marty said trying to calm a furious Daniele. Daniele shook his head fiercely and knocked over one of the large urns. Everyone gasped and someone even screamed in horror.

"You look tired, it must be an exhausting job stabbing a man his back when he has been cremated" Daniele said spitefully.

"Well someone has to do it….you know be the backbone. Everyone is in pieces" Marty countered, Eliza placed a hand on his shoulder and leaned on him like a lemur. What is wrong with that girl, he needs support not the other way around; she should have been his leaning tree. It is a good thing I like her.

"When his ashes have been gathered and sorted, call for me and not a minute before," he growled. Then he stomped his way up the grand stairs of the cold fortress and slammed the door.

"That will have to be replaced" I heard a voice muttered.

Daniele, hmm it had a nice ring to it. It suited him it sounded fierce and arrogant. Just like the jackass, it belonged too. I swung around to face the scowling couple. Everyone resumed their crying and sleeping leaving me the centre of their attention.

"I am…so…so" I stuttered, Marty sighed and shook his head.

"I know it wasn't your fault. Daniele has had it hard, you know" He replied smiling. He can be such an angel. I smiled at him and nodded resuming my seat and propping fossil back on my shoulder. Marty and Eliza looked at me and walked off hand in hand. A knife straight to my chest. Nevertheless, I could deal if it made him happy. Though seriously did that Eliza have to cling onto him like that, she can be so clingy.

"Don't move like that again," The fossil, grumbled pulling her frail body of the ground. Wondered where she got.

"Sorry" I muttered

"That dumb Daniele always causing a scene, spiteful little boy. Poor Marty" She muttered and slumped against me. "Harold spoilt that nasty little brat"

"Yeah, who is he?" I asked turning to look at the wooden, which concealed the room where Daniele had run. I wanted, no needed to for some reason know who he was.

"Keep away from him, he maybe a beautiful boy but he is troublesome" She spat, I elbowed her and she groaned and muttered at me.

"Marty's younger brother"